Thursday, May 13, 2010

ticket to chide

Anyone remember that Herman Melville story Bartleby the Scrivener? I certainly didn't (mostly because modern society has lowered my literacy level to US magazine). But luckily, my erudite helper newt T-Bone did, and since he's helping me out by typing this (What up, bitches? T-Bone here all up in yer grillz!), I've OK'd him to use the book's catchphrase as a fitting retort to how I feel about paying ridiculous, unfounded, dare-I-say unconstitutional parking tickets:

No, really. Take your stupid paper slips of incomprehensible "law," roll them up, shove some of that newly legalized medical marijuana in there, take a few puffs, chillax the f*ck out and stop slapping my windshield with made-up violations!

Did you know you can get ticketed for not having DC plates even if you have a legal visitor's permit? While I contend that if a "visitor's" car is sitting in the same spot, unmoved for a month or something, perhaps this violation could be considered legitimate, I refuse to see how this violation can be doled out on a vehicle that's moved regularly, and every time outside of the District. Especially if that vehicle is mine!

I get it. If you live here, you're supposed to register your vehicle here. However, what if you don't live here? Hmm? However, I never signed a lease! So technically, I don't live here! I'm a goddamn visitor! Does DC have a law against how many times a visitor can visit? Or even how long he or she can stay? Sure it may be annoying when visitors overstay their welcome, but please, DC, show me the law that says being that homeless bitch crashing on your proverbial couch is illegal! GO AHEAD! CITE A STATUTE ABOUT BEING ANNOYING AND THEN WE'LL TALK!

But until then, when you lay a ticket on my car for ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS for PARKING LEGALLY as a VISITOR, I will continue to refuse to pay. Put simply, I would prefer not to.

Instead, I prefer to waste the traffic court's time and money. Indeed, you messed with the wrong visitor, DC. And the wrong erudite helper Newt, too! T-Bone's got my back! No, literally -- T-Bone's an excellent masseuse.


jheisel said...

so I read Bartleby in Mrs. Patterson's seventh grade English class.

And I disliked it greatly.

And pretty much for the nearly two decades since I have not thought much about it.

And now it has come up TWICE in one week. (I held a Kindle for the first time in my life, and my friend has this story on there because it was a free download).

Maybe I need to re-read it?

Sara said...

I want an assistant who gives me massages and types up my blog posts. Perhaps that would improve the quality of said recent posts? Anyway, I wish you luck with that ticket. I mean, wth? It sounds inefficient and dare I say Chilean? Hmmm....

Patty Duke said...

Meter maids or whatever work on quotas. Therefore whatever lame ticket they can give out they will.
The bright side to this is if you contest the ticket 99% of the time you don't have to pay it.

My husband has experienced the same problem with being given tickets for not registering his car in the District. He had every intention of registering his car, being that he had moved to DC, but damn,it had only been two weeks.

This wasn't because the parking attendants were stalking him, but some asshole neighbors reported him to 311 because they couldn't find a parking space near their house, which is across the street from us. After that, DC had a field day giving him parking tickets until he registered with DC. On that same note, our next door neighbors haven't registered thier car(s) and they have live there for eight! years. Yet no tickets. Go figure.