Wednesday, July 21, 2010

dc cupcakes: the signature show review

I tried to catch an episode of TLC's new "reality" show, DC Cupcakes, the other day, but as it turns out, I missed it. And I don't mean I tried to watch it and I missed it because I wasn't physically around a picture box while it was on. No, I mean I flipped through the channels, found it, watched it a bit, then realized IT WAS THE MOST BORING PROGRAM THAT HAS EVER SWINDLED ITS WAY ONTO THE AIRWAVES, so I voluntarily turned it off.

Seriously. It's so boring CSPAN looks like a suspenseful-action-thriller-drama-comedy compared to DC Cupcakes. Hell, watching the TV while it's off is more interesting than DC Cupcakes. Really, see for yourselves...



OH MY GREAT GOD! CUE DRAMATIC MUSIC AND CALL THE MARINES! THEY'RE OUT OF RED VELVET!

Cupcake bitch, please. Unless your clientele is going to daintily trade their Sex and the City 2 cosmos for Molotov cocktails, I don't think 20 minutes without red velvet will ruin your f*cking business. Calm down.

And that isn't even the clip I caught on television. (Do you see the lengths I go to for this blog?!) The clip I saw was 10 minutes of these two highstrung worrywarts freaking out about their "Signature Swirl," which after heard several hundred times with the owners' sssignature prissssy accentsss within the ssspan of one-sssixth of sssixty minutes, begins to sound like Sarah Palin's nails on Glenn Beck's chalkboard. Actually, I'd probably rather see those two together because at least that'd be a sh*tshow, rather than just a sh*tty show...

Anyway, besides not understanding how drunk a network exec must've been to agree to air DC Cupcakes, I really don't understand people like this. If running low on red velvet and not being able to perfect your "signature swirl," the signature of which just resembles a perfectly piled up dog turd, are your biggest problems, then congratulations. You're either the luckiest people alive or simply too boring to engage in real life from which you'd learn their are more important things to worry about than your non-problems.

Anyone remember when TLC used to air pseudo-documentaries like "Born Without a Face" and "I Eat 33,000 Calories a Day?" Remember when TLC stood for "The Learning Channel?" Yeah. I miss that era. Now, what do I do? Read a book? REALLY? REALLY?! SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE, TLC!? I'M FORCED TO GO READ A F*CKING BOOK! You did this to me, TV. You. Did. This.

26 comments:

Celia said...

I watched a clip online and was bored. I don't want to look at people thinking cupcakes are the most important thing in the world.

A half hour cooking show about cupcakes would be much more fun.

Anonymous said...

This show is a waste of time and I refuse to eat one of their pretentious ass cupcakes.

The duncan hines in a box is much better.

Anonymous said...

And yet Neighbors continues to go through the "roller coaster" that is television studios. This is an unjust world we live in.

-Anon brian

Debbi said...

Jesus, can you imagine working in that place?

Someone should have started singing "Blue Velvet," just for laughs.

Ben (The Tiger in Exile) said...

For the first ten seconds of that video, I thought, "my God, Marissa's gotten fat. And short."

Then I realized. And clicked away.

I say sing "Black Velvet". DC's a southern town...

FoggyDew said...

And here I was thinking "DC Cupcakes" was a show about a prostitution ring on the Hill. Damn. Well, at least you saved me from being disappointed.

What would be funny is if this show so turned DCians off to the store that it is forced to close.

cuttingkeyboard said...

...it just seems very fake to me. Not well done at all. Furthermore, I don't understand this cupcake craze. It's not like cupcakes were just invented. It's a grown up tea party, sans the stuffed animals, unless you consider the guy with the ear thingy and bandana to be a bear.
Haters gonna hate...LOL....

Marissa said...

Celia--

Agreed. This trend is played out...

Anonymous--

Yeah. I don't think I'd ever go out of my way to get one of their cupcakes, mostly because there's like 18 other cupcake shops in town, but I probably wouldn't refuse one if I see them at a party. Although I get the drift that I probably wouldn't be at a party that would tap these people to cater...

Anonymous B--

I would watch Neighbors religiously. I believe so would the world.

Debbi--

I hope the employees get a cut of the TLC money...

That non-drama is embarrassing...

Ben--

Well, I'll take that as an insult. I hope I don't look 10 years older than I am... Or like either of those two at all, actually. But wait, aren't you the guy who once commented I resemble Hilary Clinton? You have a record...two strikes.

Foggy--

HOLY. SH*T. Now THAT is a show worth watching!

Marissa said...

cutting--

After I wrote this, I googled this show and found that it was universally panned, mostly for being fake and boring. TV is going to implode.

Ben (The Tiger in Exile) said...

Bah, all you white people look alike, anyway...

Anonymous said...

this program is SO BAD. this is by far is on the top of my list as a show with the worst acting EVER. and yes I know that it is "reality" and there shouldn't be any acting... but you can tell that the two sisters have rehearsed what they were suppose to say... and then do horribly at it.

Marissa said...

ben--

Ping pong ping pong. Totally.

anonymous--

Well, considering you and I aren't alone in our views (a quick Google search showed that this show got universally panned), I'm pretty sure it will soon be off the air.

Anonymous said...

I agree; this show's beyond boring. The sisters are two of the most stupid, obnoxious, and childish women I have ever seen. And their fawning over "Mommy" and her ill-behaved dog every two minutes was just ridiculous. It really just grated on my nerves to hear two grown women constantly bellow "Mommy" as if it were cute or something. I can hardly believe that while I'm waiting until Aug. 3rd for 'One Big Happy Family' to come back to the Summer line-up, this bull$h*t is stinking up the airwaves.

Lisa said...

WOW. I could not possibly care any less about the stupid "Signature Swirl" or the dumb-a$$ who insists that it goes on every cupcake. Also, it's gross that while wearing gloves, they handle every dirty thing in the bakery, and then they touch the cupcakes with those nasty gloves. Hopefully, they'll use their profits for hair nets and food sanitation tips. Finally, around 58 seconds, the bear-looking guy says, "Just because you speak louder doesn't make you RIGHTER." Maybe not, but saying "righter" makes you an idiot.

Anonymous said...

EWWW, I hope they are cancelled from TLC. Its so fake, and scripted. The dog they made was terrible in that episode. Im sorry, I dont know why anyone would want to pay for a cup cake "sheep dog" that kept falling apart. They're not funny or charming at all. They need to start talking like grown ups because they sound like a bunch of babies. The way they said "Mommy" every few seconds drove me nuts. Come on TLC please cancel this show!

Anonymous said...

I have to admit, I have really liked watching TLC change into a fun reality driven network. I don't watch it to learn something rather, to be entertained. I like Cake Boss and Say Yes to the Dress and some of their other stuff but seriously, The Cupcakes, Cakes and Little People shows are so passe now. Isn't anyone doing anything else exciting? The DC cupcakes bored me to tears! Literally! The dynamics of the family and sisters is so boring and how exciting can their cupcakes be? Not that exciting! No Drama, no cuteness, no fun. BLAH! How about some great new shows on Candy, I know these girls in Hollywood who do all kinds of great stuff with Candy and I see them at parties. They are nuts but in a fun way and they create some really cook stuff. Now that would be a show. Or this boy genius I know who is always inventing things and selling his products and inventions. I'm just bored of being bored with TLC and I really want to Love it again.

Sincerely Yours,
Sad in Santa Monica

thelonelyradish.com said...

Thank god I am not the only one who hates this show and these women. I hope it's gone soon. Down with "mommy"!

Anonymous said...

While I agree that the show needs some spice - it really is boring - I think your criticism about the bakers' attention to detail is misplaced. Running a successful small business requires careful attention to your product and knowing what your customer wants. Red Velevet is the most popular flavor of cupcake, and yes, it's BAD if they are out of them, even for 20 minutes. Customers are fickle and might not come back after investing 30 minutes in a line only to find today's promised flavor was not available. Yes, the show's not produced well, but you can't say these women know how to run a business.

Anonymous said...

I caught it a bit today and it's horrible. They play it up for the cameras and try to act and are terrible at acting to boot. How many times can they say "mommy" in a show. So FAKE!

Anonymous said...

I like it... I think its interesting...

Anonymous said...

I hate this damn show. Sick of hearing grown women say "Mommmmmmeeeeeee" every 30 seconds. What happened to Four Weddings? At least it was fun to watch women be catty!

Anonymous said...

This show recently returned and it's worse than before! Either the 'emergencies' are ridiculously scripted or these bitches are totally inept. Can't believe TLC brought it back. It infuriates me that these two loons - and MOMMY - are getting rich off this show. It almost makes you wish that the health department would find some egregious violation and shut them down. Maybe they could, if they watch how many times they touch their hair and their faces while wearing the same gloves they use to touch the food. Idiots!

Sasha said...

And yet... here we are now... in June of 2012 and they've opened a store in SoHo and documented it on TLC with another one of their ridiculously fake, scripted specials. I don't even work in the food industry and I know you have to have some sort of "soft opening" to train your staff yet they would have us believe the paint on the walls was still drying as they pulled the first batch out of the oven.

And by the way, I did work in a grocery store bakery through college and they are making their frosting the same way - a boiled flour and sugar mixture that gets whipped - I recognize it in the cuts. They're passing it off as buttercream but its fucking glue. It's paste. They were having a meltdown because "WE'RE OUT OF FLOUR AND SUGAR AND WE HAVE TO MAKE THE FROSTING" ... and the camera cuts to them stirring over a boiling pot. Duh! BUSTED.

Why do they insist on creating those stupid sculptures that are too large to get through the door? Every fucking episode.

Honestly, I think they might be retarded.

denise fletcher said...

omg! i am watching the "signature swirl" episode right this minute and i wish i were their "mommy" so i could smack em too senseless to continue spewing their rehearsed drivel *gaaaaah*

Anonymous said...

I work at the SoHo shop, and there was no soft opening. It was a disaster. We had all these people who had never worked in a cupcake shop before and all these people who had never met the crazy sisters. It was terrible.

What's worse than the show though is how they treat their employees. One employee was told she wouldn't be there much longer because she told Katherine they were trained a different way in pulling espresso shots. Trust me, if anyone wants them to go under, it's the people who work for them.

Anonymous said...

They're unsanitary.