I tried to catch an episode of TLC's new "reality" show, DC Cupcakes, the other day, but as it turns out, I missed it. And I don't mean I tried to watch it and I missed it because I wasn't physically around a picture box while it was on. No, I mean I flipped through the channels, found it, watched it a bit, then realized IT WAS THE MOST BORING PROGRAM THAT HAS EVER SWINDLED ITS WAY ONTO THE AIRWAVES, so I voluntarily turned it off.
Seriously. It's so boring CSPAN looks like a suspenseful-action-thriller-drama-comedy compared to DC Cupcakes. Hell, watching the TV while it's off is more interesting than DC Cupcakes. Really, see for yourselves...
OH MY GREAT GOD! CUE DRAMATIC MUSIC AND CALL THE MARINES! THEY'RE OUT OF RED VELVET!
Cupcake bitch, please. Unless your clientele is going to daintily trade their Sex and the City 2 cosmos for Molotov cocktails, I don't think 20 minutes without red velvet will ruin your f*cking business. Calm down.
And that isn't even the clip I caught on television. (Do you see the lengths I go to for this blog?!) The clip I saw was 10 minutes of these two highstrung worrywarts freaking out about their "Signature Swirl," which after heard several hundred times with the owners' sssignature prissssy accentsss within the ssspan of one-sssixth of sssixty minutes, begins to sound like Sarah Palin's nails on Glenn Beck's chalkboard. Actually, I'd probably rather see those two together because at least that'd be a sh*tshow, rather than just a sh*tty show...
Anyway, besides not understanding how drunk a network exec must've been to agree to air DC Cupcakes, I really don't understand people like this. If running low on red velvet and not being able to perfect your "signature swirl," the signature of which just resembles a perfectly piled up dog turd, are your biggest problems, then congratulations. You're either the luckiest people alive or simply too boring to engage in real life from which you'd learn their are more important things to worry about than your non-problems.
Anyone remember when TLC used to air pseudo-documentaries like "Born Without a Face" and "I Eat 33,000 Calories a Day?" Remember when TLC stood for "The Learning Channel?" Yeah. I miss that era. Now, what do I do? Read a book? REALLY? REALLY?! SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE, TLC!? I'M FORCED TO GO READ A F*CKING BOOK! You did this to me, TV. You. Did. This.