Friday, August 1, 2008

shambles p.i.: the *gasp* nyc edition!

The world has gone bananas! Not only was the hottest man in the legislative branch, Rep. Norm Coleman (R-Minn.), erroneously and quite egregiously left off The Hill's Top 50 hotties on the Hill list (and by "hotties," I mean "toolishly dressed d-bags"), but hell's bells! I'll be damned if the island of Manhattan hasn't been skid-marked upon by the sh*t-stain of fashion known as madras. Seriously, NYC, WTF?!

If white pants make you want to dance, madras pants just make you want to look like an asshole.

According to the spy who Shambles P.I.'d this madras monster last week, the man pictured above not only went out in public looking like he just got named to The Hill's 50 Most Beautiful People on the Hill list (a.k.a. like a legally blind asshat), but he attended a cocktail reception in the Greek and Roman galleries at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. How the hell did this perfect example of DC dishabille get in?!

"The idea was to make rich gays want to give money to the museum -- to arouse their donor boners, if you will," said our spy, a self-proclaimed poor gay, who managed to sneak in. He added, "Since the majority of attendees were bankers or whatever there were lots of khakis and other staples of tool couture. But one guest really stood out of the crowd. Are you ready for this trifecta of dishabille?"

THE TRIFECTA?! SAY IT AIN'T SO! SAY IT AIN'T GODDAMN SO!

Oh, but it is so...so, so, SO gnarly, that is! As this NYC spy pointed out to me in his Shambles P.I. report, the tool pictured above is not only sporting madras slacks, but also a cell-phone holder on his belt and (dum-dum-duuuummmmm) CROCS! THE HUMANITY!

"The photo, taken on my cell phone, is not that great, so I would like to repeat that he was wearing not shorts, but trousers -- two full-length legs of pastel madras. And you'd think with these fruity pants and a lavender polo he'd pick a lighter shade of Crocs, maybe like the ones your Baltimore friend was wearing at the fair. But no. His were black." OH GOD! Although, honestly, it could have been worse:

This is not a creation of The Anti DC's greatest nightmares. This "shoe" is all too real, according to a local reader who rendered a Shambles P.I. for me in words. Ready? To go with his boat Crocs (?) the man, who was spotted on the metro, chose a pair of khaki manpris and a green'n'red checkered shorth-sleeved shirt. Said the Shambles P.I.'er, "I would have snapped a quick cellphone camera picture but I was worried that it might break the lens." Honestly, I'm surprised you're not blind, brave spy...

But wait! There's more! As if this NYC imposter wasn't annoying enough to look at for the whole of humanity, he adorned himself with one last accoutrement to make sure he especially alienated around 10 percent of the population. "He accessorized with a rainbow flag sticking out of his back pocket. It did not make me feel proud," said our destitute gay. "That is all."

Someone needs to slap some sense into this man!

Seriously! I can't help but hope that this man escaped for the night from Georgetown and is safely back at home now. NYC holds a special place in my heart, or at least it did, until one dishabille man managed to make me feel a little dead inside. For reals, this kind of sh*t barely belongs in DC; it certainly has no place in NYC. But alas, at least we are no longer suffering on our own. TASTE OUR PAIN, NYC! LAP IT UP, SUCKERS! What's your $3,000/month rent for a 300 square-foot studio with no windows getting you now?!?!? Madras in your face, that's what! Take it.

5 comments:

I-66 said...

On Saturday night I saw a guy coming out of the movie theater in Christmas color madras pants paired with a Easter pastel colored striped button down shirt, and flip flops. He was walking in front of me, and so I reached for my phone, called up the camera, and prepared to take a picture for you before my female companion stopped me: "Don't take a picture of him..." she said, as if the concept was ridiculous. I turned to argue that it was a necessity, and when I turned back stripesmadrasflops had turned the corner with his buddies and was gone.

DC Goodwill Fashionista said...

Ahahahahaha. Ah. Ha. Ahahaha... -the DCGF

DC Goodwill Fashionista said...

On a more constructive note, you could print out copies of this Newsweek article and pass them out to any passersby in said offending Crocs. -the DCGF

JON said...

Egad. I just got douchechills.

Marissa said...

i-66--

Don't let others hold back you Shambles P.I. skillz. That would have been an award contender.

goodwill--

OMG. That article is BRILLIANT! I am definitely going to be furtively handing that out.

jon--

Douchechills...nice! I'll be stealing that in the near future!