Friday, October 31, 2008

magic in the northeast quadrant

DC is a lot bigger than I think many of us realize, or at least I realize. If you venture outside of the jagbag-quadrilateral that is the Northwest section of DC, there are several locales in Washington that fly under the proverbial douche-dar. While some of these spots, including the Waterfront, H Street and even Anacostia are now getting more attention, there's still a vast amount of space that several thousand have probably never even thought to explore. And, rather shamefully, I was one of those several thousand until last Saturday when my good friend Juice asked if I wanted to head out to the flagship Goodwill store located at 2200 South Dakota Avenue, NE.

Where the f*ck is that, you ask? Only 2.3 miles from DC's only Denny's, located at 4445 Benning Road, NE! Yes, e-friends, since we had access to a motorized vehicle, we decided to make a day out of exploring the Northeast quadrant, including a rather, um, lovely brunch at Denny's, which is just a shade classier than Hardees. And so, Juice and I collected the usual suspects, including The Cap'n, Canada and The Law and we drove. And drove. And drove some more. And while the Denny's is only 2.6 miles from where we began our journey in Adams Morgan, thanks to my keen sense of direction and knowledge of DC's retardulous layout, we at least trebled that distance. I'd venture to guess that, guided by the navigation system in my mind, we probably could've gone to Hawaii (save for that silly little Pacific Ocean). Yaaayyy!

But finally, after much motorized ado, we arrived at Denny's maybe an hour later, stomach's growling. However, when I tried to order the Lumberjack Slam, the waitress gave me a warning. Looking at my spindly, quite sickly looking arms, she noted, "Um, that's a big breakfast..." She was right, so I ended up downsizing to a Choose-Your-Own-Slam, which still was pretty frickin' big with eggs, pancakes, bacon and hashbrowns. And because I'm just that excellent of a journalist, I don't really remember what everyone else ordered except for The Cap'n, who pleased everyone when he proclaimed his decision to get the Moons Over My-Hammy, which, apparently, is quite delicious. Of course, as it goes after every oversized meal one consumes at an American chain restaurant, we all felt queasy upon paying the check. Sweet. Yet not being a group to let a little bit of vomit stop us from partaking in a rainy-day Northeast Odyssey, we continued onward to the Goodwill, hoping to outfit ourselves in some hot vintage sh*t. Or at least some lukewarm vintage sh*t, which still would've been warmer than my breakfast. Sorry Denny's...

Anybarf, sadly, only two-fifths of us, including myself, were able to find some legitimate hot vintage sh*t at the Goodwill. While the Cap'n scooped up a shirt, I wrangled up the best deal of the day, which made up for three-fifths of our hungover stunningly good-looking crew leaving empty-handed. I found a vintage fur and leather long coat, priced-to-sell at $26. I repeat, TWENTY-SIX DOLLARS. Wait, let me just reiterate and emphasize here -- TWENTY SIX F*CKING DOLLARS! This wasn't just the deal of the day; this was the deal of a lifetime. Check it:

I'm more P-I-M-P than Mr. Peanut.

Any children I may ever have are going to fight over this in my will. No, but seriously. This sh*t is tight. The front is cool, but the back is even better. Please notice the pattern, which so appropriately points toward my ass:

Seriously, this coat beats a monocle and a top hat -- suck on that Mr. Peanut!

I admit, however, I wasn't the first one to spot this lovely concoction of leather and dead something-or-other. That was Juice. However, she ultimately decided against it and we knew it was perfect for me when I tried it on and The Law noted, "You look more and more homeless with each passing day." Sold! I mean, who doesn't love hobos? They're usually quirky and entertaining. And so I went to the register, doled out my (allow me to just repeat it one last time) TWENTY-SIX INCREASING WORTHLESS U.S. AMERICAN DOLLARS and walked out the door, still feeling quite vomitous from that Denny's, but with one "Donné Original" in hand. Now, if only the weather would drop 20 more degrees...

I love you, Donné.

Oh, and Happy Halloween and stuff.


John Foster said...

I seem to be getting too old for the Denny's experience as I get queasy with just the mention - a turning point seems to have been service from a waitress trying desperately to NOT cover her diseased arms, which seemed to be ready to flake skin on to everything within 3 feet or her at any moment. It's the only time I couldn't eat my Moons Over My Hammy - which has been my go to since 92 when it first popped up on the menu! I also had a waitress covered in tattoos before that was cool to do at a Denny's next to the West Virginia state pen give me my milkshake in just the glass. Where the fuck is my beat up metal tumbler with the other half of my dairy bellyache you ask? Well... I'm glad you asked because I sure didn't have the balls to do it. 5 minutes later I spun around the corner and there she was drinking it behind the counter. Right out of the tumbler! We locked eyes and she could see that I was just going to tuck my monocle back in my pocket and grab my top hat and go without any incident.

Such a Mr. Peanut.

Lemmonex said...

I have only been to a Denny's was in the middle of the night on a family road trip. I just remember feeling super sick. Could have been spending 12 hours in the backseat with my brother...or could have been the pancakes. I shall never know.

I-66 said...

You dropped your gun.

Arjewtino said...

I love thrift stores.

My favorite is Value Village in Maryland. So much cheap crap it'll boggle your mind.

luscious leo said...


As Leo's college roommate always said ... crap on sale is still crap.

That said, Le Donné Original is far from crap.

Marissa said...

mr. foster--

Damn, you have some strong feelings about Denny's. But my questions to you, can you please dissect the logo as part of a series on other chain diner logos? No, but seriously. That'd be awesome to compare and contrast, no?


Safe bet is to go with the pancakes. They're deadly.


No, that's just an extra. I like to keep them scattered about.


Never been to that one. I'll have to look it up and then blog gratuitously about it.


Le Donné Original = magic. It's no coincidence that if you remove the D, n, n, é, all we're left with is Leo.

John Foster said...

I am actually in the middle of my senior thesis on "Racist Restaurants and Their Tell Tale Color Palettes and Font Selections."

Marissa said...


Wait, what? Is Denny's racist?! Why is everything so racist?!?! I'll have you know this Denny's was fairly multi-cultural. And one woman came in wearing the best USA flag jacket I'd ever seen. It looked like she just swathed herself in Old Glory. It was beautiful.

John Foster said...

Old news but the chain had to settle a number of lawsuits based on not serving african americans. Easy google likely. But screw all that - tell me more about this jacket (but keep it PG - I am at work and don't want to get TOO excited.)

maryjanejeff said...

I've been to a Denny's my share of times.

Dear Breezewood, PA:

If you are going to make us get off the highway with out turning anywhere, please provide at at least a Del Taco. I swear, not only was Denny's the best option, but it was probably the healthiest too. The grand slam breakfast is killer though if you're going to hike or ski for 8-10 hours and need the calorie build up.

Did the Goodwill have any peacoats, or at least I think they're called that? I want another one to complement the one I bought on Dec 26 three years ago for $60 at Burlington Coat Factory.

Sam said...

Moons-Over-My-Hammy is the single best thing that Denny's offers, if, for no other reason than the fact that you get to say "Moons-Over-My-Hammy" when you order it.