Thursday, May 22, 2008

omfg. i'm old.

I've never really been scared to check my mail before. The Unabomber? Psshah. Anthrax? I could take it. But this?

AARP -- American Association of Retired Persons!

DC seriously hates me. (I'm only 28! I'm not retired!) Sure, it's true that I am getting my first permanent wrinkles around the eyes, but it's nothing a few quick injections of Botox can't fix! (I'm not ready for this! I don't like getting up when it's still dark! I don't even really like breakfast!) OK, I get it. I'm a bit of a curmudgeon already. And yes, I'll concede that I do sometimes have the fashion aesthetics of a Golden Girl. (But Blanche's sh*t was tight! They were young at heart!) And arguably, while I may be old (as hell) at heart, unlike that saucy bitch Sofia, I'm for all intents and purposes still physically young! (I swear!)

Ahh...but maybe aging isn't so bad. I mean, there's the early bird specials and discounted movie tickets. Also, it's pretty awesome that when you pass a certain age suddenly all of your offensive, off-color remarks become endearing or "full of wisdom." You can start mooching off your kids in retaliation. You can also start stealing silverware from restaurants (hi grandma!). Hmmm...maybe getting old isn't so bad after all, despite what all of American pop culture tells me. In fact, you know what? After several seconds of deep thought, I've decided that I'll take it. If I can start wearing a diaper and pee whenever I want, wherever I am, then all I have to say is, let's f*cking do this! Let's get old together DC!

But wait. What the hell is that? Who's Ms. LH Claude? Goddamnsonofabitch! Just when I began to get used to the idea of acting 85 at the age of 28, just when I decided to accept my fate, I learn that this sweet, informative AARP newsletter isn't even addressed to me. It's for Ms. Claude. Sweet, little, sassy Ms. Claude. Maybe we can hit up the Denny's sometime soon? God, I hope she's in the demographic that reads this blog.


Arjewtino said...

I know just how you feel.

Proustian said...

That post made me think....dude, are there even any denny's in DC? Which made me do some research...and there are. So thank you.

Shannon said...

I once got an AARP card with my name on it. At age 26. I think I still have it somewhere.

Marissa said...


Hilarious post, btw. I couldn't resist commenting several months later. I truly do heart a good buffet.


Seriously? Really? I will be damned. I just through that out there as an elder-Mecca. I'll have to make the trek one day as a newly crowned senior citizen.


Wow. I am both hurt and confused why AARP has not sent me stuff officially but only accidentally.


Yeah, that's called the "Old Ass Emoticon," which I just made up on the fly. Not e-bad at all.

Scotus said...

Whenever I visit my parents, I shudder when I see the ever-present AARP Magazine on their coffee table. I flipped through it once. Each article might as well have been titled, "Guess What? You're Going to Die Soon."

Also, the ads give them ideas about how to spend my inheritance on things like cruises and golf equipment, which I really don't appreciate.

Velvet said...

On a serious note, my stomach flipped over the headline on the front. Does that subtitle really say something about enforcement giving greater protections? What crap. We should protect the old and the young. Stupid D.C. You missed a prime opportunity to rag on the lazy bureaucrats!!! Nursing home stuff really pisses me off. How could anyone be mean to an old person? Even you! I'll be nice to you even if you are 86.

Read that article and report back!

BAD said...

When I was 17 I somehow got a free subscription to American Baby magazine - "for new and expecting parents." About eight months into it I get a phone call.
Operator: "May I speak to [bad]?"
Me: "Speaking."
Operator: "I'm calling from American Baby magazine. Did you receive your free issue?"
Me: "Yes. About eight free issues."
Operator: "Have you enjoyed them?"
Me: "Umm... No. I'm 17 years old."
Operator: "Oh! So... you don't feel the articles address your concerns?"
Me: "I don't have children."
Operator: "Oh. I see. I'll cancel your subscription. Sorry about the mistake."

I continued to receive American Baby for about three more months.

Marissa said...


Sadly, I have not gotten around to reading that article yet, alhthough I do have it tacked on my fridge right next to my coupons for the shooting range. True.


It is hard to picture you as a baby daddy at the tender age of 17. Unless, of course that baby was actually a bottle of booze. Love you!