p-a-r-t-y? 'cuz we got to!

Friday nights present perfect times to participate in several clichés, including letting one's hair down, kicking off one's heels, and of course, partying like a rock star. However, if you're in DC, Friday night allows you to do something slightly less debauched and a little more d-o-r-k-y. I'm typing about spelling!

Yay! Spelling! For those of you not as cool as me who didn't spend their Friday night watching two-plus hours of quality spelling on television, allow me to recap: A bunch of super-awkward junior-high kids traveled to DC to compete in the Scripps National Spelling Bee. These spelling phenoms asked for definitions; they asked for word origins; they asked for alternate pronunciations; they asked for words to be used in sentences; they asked for definitions again; and, ultimately, they spelled and spelled and spelled some more.

Thirteen-year-old wunderkind Sameer Mishra outspelled everyone, finally winning in Round 16 to take home the pimp cup trophy.

• s-u-d-a-t-i-o-n
• d-e-m-i-t-a-s-s-e
• q-u-a-d-r-a-t
• d-i-e-n-e-r
• h-y-s-s-o-p
• m-a-c-é-d-o-i-n-e
• b-a-s-e-n-j-i
• n-u-m-n-a-h
• c-h-o-r-i-o-n
• n-a-c-a-r-a-t
• s-i-n-i-c-i-z-e
• h-y-p-h-a-e-r-e-s-i-s
• t-a-l-e-g-g-i-o
• e-s-c-l-a-n-d-r-e
• g-u-e-r-d-o-n
  

Yowza! I'm a moron! I knew the definition and the correct spelling of just two of Mishra's words -- demitasse and basenji (and the only reason I knew that one is because, next to the Siberian Husky, it just so happens that the Basenji is my favorite breed of dog).

But alas, despite my lack of spelling-bee knowledge, I will demonstrate that I am still just as big of a nerd as Mishra and the other spelling bee kids by using every single one of Mishra's winning words in a short story. And so without further ado, allow me to present to you the following:

A diener, a basenji and a Taleggio villager walk into a bar. The diener ordered a demitasse and complained of the basenji’s heavy sudation, which began after he tried to smoke a macédoine of hyssop that he found on the quadrat they came from.

“That shit tasted like chorion that had been trapped under my numnah for six onths,” the basenji said, forgetting to pronounce the “m” in the last word.

“Whoa. Don’t you mean months? Hyphaeresis much?” joked the diener. “Seriously, can’t we go anywhere without you causing such an esclandre?”

“You better watch it, or your guerdon will be a nacarat ass!” the basenji snapped back.

Having had enough of the antics of his companions, the Taleggio visitor stood up and walked toward the exit. “Ah, f*ck all y’all," he said waving his arms. "I’m gonna go sinicize some sh*t. Peace.”

I know. I'm a regular Tolstoy. Yet while my sh*t is tight (clearly) and Mishra's sh*t is tight (no doubt), no one's sh*t is tighter than last year's winner, Evan "Bitch, say my name!" O'Dorney. Can you spell smack down? O'Dorney can!