Thursday, May 15, 2008

tsa does you

As you may or may not have noticed, The Anti DC was left conspicuously un-updated yesterday. There are several reasons for that. For one, I managed to defy logic and have simultaneously one of the most awesome and frustratingly horrible weekends of my life, from which my mind and body are still recovering. For one more, I'm currently on an extremely tight (and I mean that solely in the literal sense) deadline. And lastly, I managed to nearly continue the shambles that was last weekend by taking two red-eye flights (to Boston and back), zoning out during covering an intense conference for two days, meeting up (and drinking) with old friends for two more nights and, of course, continuing my 6-day streak of sleeping just 1.5-4 hours per night. And although I'm verifiably 75 percent circuitry and wires, the 25 percent of me that cannot crush you is only half-conscious, and unfortunately (or fortunately, I suppose if you hate me...and freedom), that 12.5 percent of me that officially shut down yesterday apparently happens to be the part of me responsible for typing my daily doses of e-retardedness online.

Well, my e-friends, I'm happy to report to you that at least half of that 12.5 percent is back to taking care of business, meaning here I am again! Of course, since I'm still not at full capacity (damn you work, age and insomnia!), don't expect this day's entry to be anything more than mind-blowingly awesome!*

So here it is. This weekend I discovered two things about myself -- airport security is mostly a massive joke and I am [un]surprisingly a natural at styling amateur gay porn photoshoots in Atlantic City high-roller hotel suites. Now, at first glance, those two self-discoveries don't seem to have much in common. However, if you're a regular reader of the Transportation Security Administration's blog (and you know I am!), then you may have guessed how I'm about to make this wacky connection between homeland security and porno -- millimeter wave technology!

What?! Yes. First off, let's just get this out into the open -- I am that much of a dork that I know about this stuff and have known about it for quite some time now. But moving on. If you're not as nerdy as I am, let me provide a quick analogy here: Millimeter wave technology is pretty much equivalent to my second favorite super power (the first is the ability to shoot lasers out of my eyes, natch), X-ray vision! If you've flown out of Phoenix, Baltimore, LAX or JFK, you might have even seen these new machines, which promise to virtually strip you of your clothes in an effort to stop the international crime of smuggling weed in your underwear.

Of course, being the prudish, "I-don't-want-my-sweet-ass-shown-just-anywhere" kind of society that is the United States of America, some Americans have gotten pretty upset over this. I, on the other hand, am contemplating how long it takes to train to become a TSA screener to put my newly discovered lewd photog skills to work. I swear to Larry Flynt that I would style the hell out of photos like these, the actual images produced by the machines, as posted on TSA's blog under the inadvertently kinky (no one at TSA is that clever, right?) title of You asked for it... You got it:

Clearly, whoever was in charge of this shoot is not familiar with the nuances of lurid camera shots. Neither one of them is smiling with their eyes ass.

So, long story short (I'm already down to just a fourth of the 25 percent of me that writes this blog), people are pissed, TSA doesn't care and chances are, despite TSA assurances that the dirrty pics will not be saved on a database, they are likely going to be saved on some 18-year-old employee's cell phone after which you'll find your sweet robotic ass pics on Facebook. Congratulations! Dreams really do come true!

*And by "awesome," I really meant mediocre....ahhh...I tried.


Peter said...

So, this will be a gay porn blog?
I am confused and afraid.

Marissa said...

I am also confused and afraid.

Peter said...

Finally I know I'm not alone. Ehug!

Marissa said...


E-hugs for all, as well as robotic junk!