Tuesday, January 20, 2009

because we may all need a break from inauguration madness...

Today I'm posting one of two pieces I wrote yesterday as part of a job application to work as a comedy writer for a well-known cable show/blog. I won't tell you exactly which one for fear of getting my hopes up (and we all know I'm anti-hope), but I will tell you that if I do get this job, I will be the happiest bitch on the planet. However, considering I missed the deadline to apply by a good week because I was too busy watching The Tyra Banks Show (that sh*t is tight), at this point the proverbial jury's still out on if the lovely and hilarious folk over at Viacom (hint!) will even glance at my rather stellar application. (Hot damn! There I go tooting my own horn blowing my own rape whistle again!)

Anyway, I invite you to take a short break from inaugurating new presidents by reading whatever e-drivel I e-spewed below. (And if you don't mind, keep your finger's crossed that the Viacom gods bless me with one of my best weeks ever (hmm...) and hire my ass!) Onward, ye!


Holy crap. We might not exist. Well, not true. We exist, but we might not exist as we know it. According to an article in this week’s New Scientist magazine, we might just be tiny specks of matter stuck on the edge of the universe. So, what does this mean? In the words of the great Gob Bluth, "It's an illusion, Michael!" OK, I lied again. Our world is not an illusion, per se, as much as just A GIANT HOLOGRAM!

Seriously, this is some freaky sh*t. Freaky science sh*t, which means it’s freaky like Beaker, Spock and Chewbacca getting together and having an alien Vulcan Muppet baby. So, like, Gonzo, and for those of us who fancy ourselves alien Vulcan Muppet baby scholars, Gonzo was pretty damn groundbreaking.

See, according to this so-called "science" I speak of, some crazy machine called the GEO6000 has detected something called "noise" coming from the edges of our universe, which, combined with our current knowledge of black hole rims (which I only wish was as dirty as it sounds), means that…uh…

Damn you, science! You've fooled me once again! I have no idea what it means in the grand scheme of things if this hologram hypothesis is true! (Clearly, I have no business trying to read New Scientist magazine.) I can only hope this new information finally makes it official to Jem that we are all, indeed, a part of her band, The Holograms.

Wait! I just figured out what it would mean if we really are living as holograms. It simply means that we're truly outrageous. Truly, truly, truly outrageous. Take that, science!


To peep my other sample post for what sounds like the best job ever, CLICK HERE!