shambles p.i. -- what am i in russia? edition

In the twisted logic that makes up the e-world that is The Anti DC, life is a game of heads or tails. However, in this game "heads" means I win and "tails" means you lose. What does this boil down to? Well, for one, it clearly indicates that I have the intellect of a clever grade school student. But more importantly, it means everyone but me is always a loser. At least when it comes to Shambles P.I.-ing what passes for fashion in this phenomenally fugly city of ours.

See, I usually take to posting photos of the unfabulously frumpy. Who could forget the stained sweatpants? The flip-flops and nylons? Or whatever the hell is going on here? You can try to wipe those ghastly images from your mind, but unless you're willing to undergo a lobotomy, chances are these fashion Pearl Harbors and 9/11's will never completely be erased from your mind. Like they say, never forget.

See? Heads, I win.

But like I said, this game of heads or tails is skewed in my favor, so when someone takes the opposite route when it comes to fashion and dresses to the nines, the proverbial "tails" of this story, they also lose. I mean, really?


I spotted this woman on my way to snatch up a $5 footlong sandwich from Subway (EAT FRESH!®), which apparently people are now asking the sandwich artists to chop into threes so they can eat it throughout the day. (Luckily, I'm only poor enough to have them chop it in two, which takes care of my lunch and dinner! Quick sidebar, though: Upside to the economic crisis -- we'll all slim down from malnutrition?)

Anystarvationdiet, what you're seeing here is a full-length fur coat of unknown origin with matching patent leather accessories. Now, I'm not one to shy away from patent leather (I own several pairs of patent leather shoes, after all), but when you combine patent leather, a stiletto heel, and a shiv-worthy pointed toe together on one boot, you look pretty much like a hooker. Or a Russian. Whichever.

The thing is, as I learned in the first half of this decade, hooker boots actually serve a purpose in the colder parts of the former Soviet Union, such as Moscow. The heel, much like an ice-pick, can be used to steady oneself on the unsalted streets, thus keeping you upright. So, in essence, in Moscow, those kind of boots are anti-hooker shoes as they prevented you from existing in a whore's natural horizontal state. But in DC? There's not enough ice to justify this kind of function over fashion, which renders these boots simply ugly.

Along the same lines, we must examine the coat. While much like a patent leather shoe, I can appreciate a fur coat, there is a time and place. Since scooping up my $25 version (or, as I now convert monetary amounts -- my five-$5-footlong version) at a Goodwill not long ago, I've actually never worn it. Why? Because DC just doesn't get that cold! In Russia, much like a pair of hooker boots (or anti-hooker boots, as it were), I would've worn my five-$5-footlong fur every day. But here? Sweat is not an attractive accessory.

But hey, in the end, despite that the woman pictured above is also a victim of Shambles P.I., I have to give her some credit for at least trying. Unlike the flip side of this shambley coin, her outfit didn't make me want to puke. However, when she side-stepped into the McDonalds a few seconds after this photo was taken, I did feel slightly nauseated. I mean, the Subway was just around the corner. For someone in such fresh threads, I was surprised she'd pass up eating fresh in favor of McGnarlys. But then again, if you're going to dress to sweat, you might as well ensure that your sweat smells less like standard B.O. and more like McNuggets, no?

See? Tails, you lose.

But outside of the world of Shambles P.I., we can all be winners, especially tonight and tomorrow.

For those of you lucky enough to live in Baltimore, you're probably aware of Aural States, a ridiculously awesome music blog. So successful is this young blog, that they're holding their first festival tonight starting at 7:30 p.m. (doors at 6:30 p.m.) at the Sonar/Talking Head Club. For a mere $10 (or two-$5-footlongs), you can catch Arbouretum, Wye Oak, Lo Moda, Pleasant Livers, HOLLYWOOD, Sri Aurobindo, Small Sur, Andy Abelow with Caleb Stine, Jamie Saltzman & Austin Stahl, Title Tracks (new John Davis ex Q and Not U, Georgie James), Imperial China, Caverns, and CANNOT BE STOPPED. Be there or be square (read: in DC).

If you are in DC this weekend though, you can also be a winner tomorrow because my favorite club act ever, Claire Hux, is finally coming to town! Performing with Lazerbitch (I like that name), they'll be at BeBar tomorrow around midnight. There's an $8 cover (or a 1.6-$5-footlong cover), but trust me when I say, for once paying a cover to gain access to a DC bar will be worth it because a Claire Hux performance is priceless. See you there!