Well, I've finally figured it out. What sucks most about DC isn't the squat architecture, the apparently blind drivers, the shambley fashion, the annoying people, the sh*tty public transportation or the high lead content in the water. Nope, what sucks most about DC is working here. Why? The typical DC job is boring. It's dull to do and even duller to hear about (which is, unfortunately, the topic of 90 percent of conversations here). In fact, entertain this idea, if you will: Fulltime employees in DC allow for every other problem in this city to flourish. Think about it:
FACT: DC's squat architecture is directly related to the prevalence of the federal government, from which myriad boring jobs are born.
FACT: When you get up angry in the morning because you have to go to work and get into a two-ton killing machine, it's only logical that drivers here have road rage.
FACT: Boring jobs lead to boring (often fugly) fashion sense due to unfortunate dress codes.
FACT: Being stuck in a boring job for too long will turn even the best of us homos (as in homo sapiens, mind you -- I am reclaiming the word) into drab, annoying personalities.
FACT: People who are miserable while stuck in an office they hate 40-plus hours a week ensure public transportation remains sh*tty because, compared to the job that makes them want to cut themselves just to feel human again, waiting three hours for a DC bus seems like heaven.
FACT: People who devote the majority of their time to a boring job like -- perhaps even demand -- lead in their water. Um, or something.
But whether the above "facts" are "facts" in the Merriam-Webster sense or whether they're "facts" in the sense that these are simply conclusions I've come to in my mind with the help of the imaginary rainbow-regurgitating unicorns I live with who tell me it's all going to be OK, is not what's important here. What's important is that when you (or at least I) remove the sh*tty job from your (read: my) schedule, DC becomes infinitely cooler -- enjoyable even -- because being a tourist in DC rules. You get to sleep in, you don't have a schedule to keep to, and who knew? There's tons of daytime sh*t to do here! And lots of it is free!
And I'm not just talking about watching the Tyra Banks Show (although that is pretty awesome). Nope. Since I've been fired, I've peppered my daytime television and beans-for-every-meal schedules with doing touristy activities around the city, such as going to museums, biking randomly around town and, most recently, loitering on the Mall in the snow. And while I can go on and on about this kind of good old-fashioned fun using my extreme e-verbosity, I'd rather let my subpar photog skills speak (or at least mumble) for themselves. Enjoy!