Monday, June 7, 2010

did helen thomas just coot herself?

Since I like to make it a policy to never break any news on this blog, I will surely not be the first one to tell you that Helen Thomas announced today that she'd be retiring from her job as a White House reporter for Hearst. In short, she cooted herself. That is, she went beyond rogue and, instead, ventured into coot territory. And if she's not careful, she'll probably end up in a good ol' fashioned Coot Off, such as this one, aired many years ago on The Daily Show.

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Can't you just picture Helen T. all up in your face saying things she'll later have to apologize for through a spittle of saliva spackled with a salmony shade of lipstick?

You sure can now! And while I'm sure different people with different viewpoints could debate for hours about what she said, I think the larger story here is the technological one. YouTube just ruined this old coot's career. Of course, after decades upon decades upon decades (we can go on here), perhaps this is a hidden godsend for Thomas, who at age 89, should probably start enjoying her twilight years before they're sucked away by the cold, clammy, wrinkly hands that come with being a coot.

Had Ms. Helen uttered those words 50 years ago, surely her career wouldn't have been so ferkakdeh. In fact, Thomas probably did utter those words 50 years ago and probably a whole bunch of other cooty sh*t too because 1) she's been alive since the beginning of time and 2) that's what people do. They have opinions. The problem here, though, is that this human being has been masqueraded under the guise of being a "reporter," which means it's part of your job to show no bias, at least in the public eye. And now that we've entered an era in which everything is public (How many assholes did you see tweet about what they had for lunch today?), some random guy's camcorder counts.

Reporters pretty much can't say anything that isn't a known fact in public anymore, lest they risk their jobs. Hell, my blogging a few fart jokes got me canned. But, really, that's all pretty ironic given that the highest rated media outlets in today's America are because of pre-coots, like Rick Sanchez, Glenn Beck and other people who say coot things without having the age or Alzheimer's needed to officially be considered a coot. Instead, they're just nutjobs with Nazi Tourette's who don't know what the f*ck they are ever talking about.

Now, because my fart joke snafu has taught me better, I won't comment on my personal views about Palestine and Israel, but I will note that I'm morose about the way Helen Thomas went out. That bitch was one tough cookie in the White House pressroom, and when it came to her job, she did it well. And in a less technologically advanced world, I'm sure she would've gone out at a different time under more positive circumstances, like having an illicit affair with Rahm Emanuel or something. But alas, like fiber and the average American diet (at least according all those lunch tweets) coot and technology just don't mix and now we are left with only the butt imprint of one of the greatest beat reporters in American history.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go eat lunch. I'm having a bean and avocado quesadilla with mango-peach salsa. Blogger's different than Twitter, right?


Ben (The Tiger in Exile) said...

Wasn't a camcorder -- it was a Flip camera.

I'd've kept her on -- I mean, who else can you have the White House press secretary thank for giving the Hezbollah point of view, as the late Tony Snow did back in 2006?

That was comedy gold.

Anonymous said...

Wasn't I wearing a hat?

Marissa said...


Ah well. I hope she takes a retirement vacation. Just not to Israel...