that's not good stuff...

So, you probably heard the Kremlin has a Twitter account now. I don't know about you, but I'm incredibly relieved. I've been waiting with bated [read: vodka] breath forever to receive 140-character updates about the state of both dill and mayonnaise in the Motherland* and now my prayers have finally been answered! Hooray!

And what an opportune time for the Kremlin to set up a Twitter account -- the day before President Obama continued the tradition of bringing important heads of state to fastfood restaurants. Indeed, following his attempt to further ruin French-American relations by bringing President Sarkozy to that slop house known as Ben's Chili Bowl in March, yesterday Obama brought Russian President Putin Medvedev to Ray's Hell Burger. And, in what I now believe to be a silent protest, Medvedev uncharacteristically held the mayo.

Seriously, what is Obama trying to prove with this habit? Sure, the burgers at Ray's might be what we can scientifically categorize as "f*cking delicious," but still! Ray's wouldn't be my first choice of place to bring a Russian head of state to. I mean, it's a HAMBURGER. And furthermore, I DON'T SEE ANY DILL OR MAYONNAISE ON THAT F*CKING TABLE!


Not to mention, Barack, but didn't your wife declare war on childhood obesity not long ago?

I say take Medvedev to Sweetgreen! They totes have a really good hun-cal fro-yo there and, dammit, EVERY GUY SHOULD HAVE A KNOWLEDGE OF IT!

Then again, Medvedev, whose lifeblood depends on the consumption of cured fat and sour cream, probably considered the burger a healthy change of pace...

Meh, whatever. Healthy role models are for pansies anyway. (I, for one, look up to Lindsay Lohan's liver.)

Health-shmealth aside, though, what really bugs me about this jaunt out to Ray's is that it's located in Virginia. Honestly, that truly gets my goat. (Seriously, my pet goat is super pissed over here.) Look Read, we already get screwed in DC by having taxation without representation, so the least the President of the United States could do is make sure to reinvest as much as he can -- even the cost of a cheap meal -- into the town where he now resides. I mean, if Obama and Medvedev truly had their minds set on hamburgers, why not just go to Good Stuff Eatery? Those burgers are equally as unhealthy and, ergo, just as f*cking delicious, scientifically speaking, of course.

Or hell, I have a grill! Call me up next time, Barry! I have enough mayonnaise in my fridge to keep even the most Yakov Smirnoff-iest of Russians happy. I'll even get commie with it and throw in some extra dill for free. I look forward to hearing from you, comrade.

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*Why are references to dill and mayonnaise funny? Because Russians love dill and mayonnaise. I've seen them use both to top a pizza and fill a sushi roll. Indeed, my ancestors were a sick people.

[Photo credits: The Kremlin]