Friday, June 25, 2010

that's not good stuff...

So, you probably heard the Kremlin has a Twitter account now. I don't know about you, but I'm incredibly relieved. I've been waiting with bated [read: vodka] breath forever to receive 140-character updates about the state of both dill and mayonnaise in the Motherland* and now my prayers have finally been answered! Hooray!

And what an opportune time for the Kremlin to set up a Twitter account -- the day before President Obama continued the tradition of bringing important heads of state to fastfood restaurants. Indeed, following his attempt to further ruin French-American relations by bringing President Sarkozy to that slop house known as Ben's Chili Bowl in March, yesterday Obama brought Russian President Putin Medvedev to Ray's Hell Burger. And, in what I now believe to be a silent protest, Medvedev uncharacteristically held the mayo.

Seriously, what is Obama trying to prove with this habit? Sure, the burgers at Ray's might be what we can scientifically categorize as "f*cking delicious," but still! Ray's wouldn't be my first choice of place to bring a Russian head of state to. I mean, it's a HAMBURGER. And furthermore, I DON'T SEE ANY DILL OR MAYONNAISE ON THAT F*CKING TABLE!

Not to mention, Barack, but didn't your wife declare war on childhood obesity not long ago?

I say take Medvedev to Sweetgreen! They totes have a really good hun-cal fro-yo there and, dammit, EVERY GUY SHOULD HAVE A KNOWLEDGE OF IT!

Then again, Medvedev, whose lifeblood depends on the consumption of cured fat and sour cream, probably considered the burger a healthy change of pace...

Meh, whatever. Healthy role models are for pansies anyway. (I, for one, look up to Lindsay Lohan's liver.)

Health-shmealth aside, though, what really bugs me about this jaunt out to Ray's is that it's located in Virginia. Honestly, that truly gets my goat. (Seriously, my pet goat is super pissed over here.) Look Read, we already get screwed in DC by having taxation without representation, so the least the President of the United States could do is make sure to reinvest as much as he can -- even the cost of a cheap meal -- into the town where he now resides. I mean, if Obama and Medvedev truly had their minds set on hamburgers, why not just go to Good Stuff Eatery? Those burgers are equally as unhealthy and, ergo, just as f*cking delicious, scientifically speaking, of course.

Or hell, I have a grill! Call me up next time, Barry! I have enough mayonnaise in my fridge to keep even the most Yakov Smirnoff-iest of Russians happy. I'll even get commie with it and throw in some extra dill for free. I look forward to hearing from you, comrade.


*Why are references to dill and mayonnaise funny? Because Russians love dill and mayonnaise. I've seen them use both to top a pizza and fill a sushi roll. Indeed, my ancestors were a sick people.

[Photo credits: The Kremlin]


luscious leo said...

Leo wants to know how it feels to be so wrong, TADC ... any VA allegiance aside, Ray's burgers are way more crazy delicious than Good Stuff

Marissa said...

Regretfully, I must agree. It feels tasty to be wrong.

Patty Duke said...

Yea for the mayo. I luvs the stuff.

Anonymous said...

Idiot, Obama took him there because he wanted the Russian President to experience a traditional American lunch (like when Obama goes overseas and has to eat borsch or some other God-awful local fare). Perhaps Anti-DC could pick something more American than hamburgers.

Marissa said...


You're a secret Russian!


Indeed, The Anti DC can pick something maybe not more American than hamburgers but at least as American. Top Chef is in DC this season for a reason. We have a lot of decent American chefs who make "American" cuisine (whatever that even means) in this city.

This is a big country with a lot of menu options. To limit that menu to a broiled/grilled beef patty is about as cliché as limiting Russian cuisine to borshch or, worse, mayo and dill. (See, I do these things on purpose.)

Thanks for your comment.

Debbi said...

Well, once again I ran across good old Awesome DC (they posted this on LinkedIn) and simply must point out the contrast.

ALEX said...

Do visiting American heads of state get treated to this kind of casual dining experience when they go overseas? I don't think so -- it's hard to imagine Medvedev taking Obama to a sidewalk coal-fired shaslik stand, which is kind of the equivalent. I think it's a uniquely American ritual to force heads of state, our own and guests, to pretend they like rubbing elbows with the rif-raff.

Anyway, as far as Obama taking visitors to Virginia... given they went against their usual worst instincts and voted blue in '08, I am willing to concede this to them.

Marissa said...


Ray's isn't even IN DC! Geez...


Ha! That's what I told a friend. I said, I hope Medvedev takes Obama to Stop-Top, a really popular hot-dog stand in Moscow.

Of course, I joke. Ray's is a lot better than Stop-Top. But here's the thing. I'm not against going someplace cheaper than 5-Star, I just think the ol' burger jig is played out. American cuisine is more than that. And it exists in DC proper. Blue state, red state, I pay no mind. Staying in the District proper is the LEAST the federal government can do.

*ahem* want voting rights *ahem*...

Anonymous said...

Have you been to Ray's?

I ask because you compare RHB with Good Stuff. I have never eaten at Good Stuff, but I don't think I've heard of anyone who has eaten at both say that the burgers are equally delicious, although I have heard good things about Good Stuff's fries and shakes.

However, I don't think I will ever try them, as Spike seems like a huge jerk, and I would prefer not to give his business my money.

Marissa said...


Yeah. I love Ray's! And think it is better than Spike's, I guess. But not *that* much better. I's still a hamburger. Perhaps, I simply don't have the taste buds required to appreciate the subtle nuances between the two. I guess it's more about the principle here. Stay in DC, Obama! Give us SOMETHING back for our tax money!

maryjanejeff said...

What about Z burger? And doesn't Ben's have burgers? Not that I would know since I gave up red meat in March.