Tuesday, June 29, 2010

tweeting accidents deliberately

Anyone out there use Twitter? (I'm looking at you, Dmitry Medvedev.)

Me too. I mean, we're not animals. We can communicate in more ways than simple barking.

We can tweet.

"You mean like a bird, Marissa?"

OK, so maybe we are animals. And not even cool ones like barking seals, but little scrawny ones like that group of annoying warblers outside your window that won't shut up when you're trying to sleep...tweet...TWEET...TWEEEEEET!

OK, so Twitter can get a bit stupid sometimes, maybe even a little irritating, but it's also what elevates us from the rest of the animal kingdom (except maybe for seals -- seals are awesome). I mean, think about it, we're the only animals who can use the qwerty keyboard, and I'll be damned if we can't turn that useful invention into something superfluous, such as a conduit on which to exchange ironic procrastination links. But I mean, what is this? The Industrial Revolution? F*ck that. Long live Twitter and long live on-the-job unproductivity!

"But Marissa, some people use Twitter because of work!"

That's a myth, I say!

"Is it, Marissa? If it's a myth then how do you explain why fellow DC blogger LivitLuvit (@livitluvit) is about to snag a job from MTV via Twitter or...or...or why @dcfireems exists? Really, Marissa, pull your head out of your incredibly firm, bicycling ass and get a clue..."

I do have a clue, you meanie! (Although, thanks for the butt compliment. *smiles*) LivitLuvit is going to get that gig because MTV knows she's the only one who can save the network now that Justin Bobby cut his hair! And...and...wait, what was that second thing you mentioned? AND DON'T ROLL YOUR EYES AT ME!

"*rolling eyes* I said @dcfireems, Marissa. It's the Twitter handle of DC Fire and EMS. Can't you read? Nevermind. Just go look at it."

Well, I'll be damned. I'm so glad the Internet argues with me from time to time, as seen above. I mean, if not for the Internet's ability to pistol-whip me with information over and over again against my lesser judgment, I'd still be the monkey feeling up the big metal slab wondering what it is, rather than just f*cking Googling it. Thank you, technology.

And honestly, thank you Twitter. The existence of
@dcfireems is, I think, the first time that Twitter (a.k.a. technology's 'tard-revealer) has proven useful for something other than keeping tabs on Iranian revolutions. (I call it "technology's 'tard-revealer" because I'm pretty sure you can tell how smart someone is by how stupid his or her tweets are; see: @ricksanchezcnn, whose tweets make him sound less like a CNN news anchor and more like an illiterate 12-year-old girl.)

But returning to the phenomenon that is @dcfireems, how awesome (albeit macabre) is it that in between receiving "party tips" from @AndrewWK, we can receive real-time alerts about how big of a-holes DC drivers are? (Really, pedestrians and cyclists are getting hit WAY too much in this city for it to be purely accidental...) Not only that, but I wonder if, over time, the log produced by the
@dcfireems Twitter account could somehow be further aggregated to produce for us a map of the most dangerous intersections or streets in DC. I, for one, would love to pull up a grid on my phone that could alert me to the street dangers of the city, or even better, use it as part of a route planner.

Of course, then we'd lose the element of surprise. And I suppose, when it comes to bodily harm, there's nary a worse feeling than realizing impending doom is about to befall you.

Speaking of...I'm going for a bike ride.

Also, read this and if you haven't been tested, get tested.

And lastly:


LiLu said...

You are my hero. For reals.

But don't think I'm sharing Justin Bobby after I snag him.

suicide_blond said...

im always surprised by how many pedestrians are struck in dc its like EVERY day...its sooo common the "news" has stopped reporting it! of course everyone in my office is surprised at how obsessed i am with how many pedestrians are struck...casue i chime it out whenever dcfirems announces it and am i the ONLY one who consistently mistakes it as DC firearms ?

Anonymous said...


Just sayin'. I mean, if it's good enough for the Gray Lady, it's good enough for the Anti-DC, right?

-Anon Bri

Marissa said...


Oh, I fear I'm too old for Justin Bobby anyway. I just want you to persuade him to grow his hair back.


YES! I am so glad someone else has noticed this Twitter account and how awesome it is. It's amazing. But sad. And scary. But amazing.

anon bri--

And that's why traditional news media is going down the drain. Gotta keep up with the times, Times!

Anonymous said...

Dude! Don't diss twitter. It's been my lifeline lately. Perhaps that gets annoying for my followers, but thats their problem. I love it.

ALEX said...

Crap, I just checked out @dcfireems and saw two separate "cyclist struck" tweets. :(