Tuesday, July 13, 2010

so many wrongs do not make a right, but they will make me wonder

I don't hate to do two posts in a row on Tommy Wiseau, the wizard behind the sh*t-curtain that is "The Room," but I certainly don't love it. I wish I could blab on instead about old people screaming on the Metro or a bunch of snobs discriminating against two-wheeled access to their hoity-toity club or even how DC has managed to make helping homeless people a puke-worthy event. (Thankfully, though, regarding that last one, someone else already made fun of that for me. Phew.)

But alas, I have a duty to do over here at The Anti DC and that duty is Shambles P.I. That is, when I or a reader, our collective Shambles P.I., spots a shambles extraordinaire, I can't not publicize it here at The Anti DC. And Wiseau's fug is too bold to hide. I mean, look at this sh*t:

Indeed, what you're seeing is a grown man dressed like a business clown. Really, this outfit is suited less for purporting yourself as a director of movies and more for screaming "I'm a fan of The Matrix! If it were made in 1992..."

Honestly, Tommy looks like a confused teen, one of those creepy Twilight-obsessed teenwolves, but also colorblind. Whatever is going on, like so many plot points in Wiseau's movies, we'll probably never know. (Why is Johnny seemingly cool with strangers breaking into his house and having sex on his couch? Why is Tommy wearing so many belts at one time? How is it that Mark is Johnny's "best friend," yet he doesn't know how he and Lisa met? Why is Wiseau wearing sunglasses in the basement of a movie theater? What is in Lisa's neck? A neon yellow tie, really Tommy?)

Indeed, Tommy's fashion choices join the ranks of the world's greatest mysteries along with the pyramids, crop circles and the question, who farted? We might never know.

And speaking of unanswerable questions, on a totally different shambles, since when is it OK to where water-shoes on dry land, and more specifically, in a city? After listening to the Diane Rehm show yesterday, I now know I'm not the only one who's been noticing the following fugliness fitted on the feet of a few fools as of late.


Goddammit. I never thought I'd have to say this but, "Vibram Fivefingers," supposedly a running shoe, are the new Crocs. And surprise! People love this ugly sh*t in DC. In the last week alone, I've seen pairs at the DMV and Whole Foods. I've seen pairs walking dogs and commuting to work. I've even seen a pair on a Segway. (As if that person needed any more reason to look like an asshole...)

However, just as I never saw anyone gardening in Crocs (their only halfway suitable scene), I've yet to see someone jogging in Vibram Fivefingers. And, really, why would you? THIS IS CLEARLY A WATER SHOE. So, unless you're planning on wading into the Potomac (ew), this trend is not OK. Please stop it before it stops you...from ever looking cool again. Don't Wiseau yourself. Good day.

3 comments:

Ben (The Tiger in Exile) said...

Social science says that four wrongs make a right.

Just sayin'.

Daniel said...

I am actually planning on buying a pair of the Vibram shoes. I do however in fact plan on running in them (since running gear is not a fashion show (though I do appreciate women trying to make it so... makes the run go by faster)).

Marissa said...

Ben--

Tommy's outfit is far more than four wrongs...

Daniel--

I asked my running friend about them. This is what she said: "They're absolutely not okay. I believe they were created with the intention of mimicking the anatomically correct human gait (sans shoe). It's like the for the ultimate outdoorsperson who wants to be one with nature while not getting splinters in their pampered/civilized feet."

I hope your feet feel good, though! I'd actually be interested to hear how they feel running so let me know if you can please, ok? OK.