Thursday, July 29, 2010

thank you, fate

I woke up this morning with two gifts. The first was knowing I made it another year in this world and the second was a link to The Hill's annual list of the 50 Best Looking People on the Hill.

And seriously, there's no better birthday gift than knowing you've made it another year just in time to make fun of 50 unsuspecting douches, one of whom will now forever be known as "Cheese Nips lover," thanks to The Hill's creative nickname editorial board.

Poor Hillary Caron, not only is she now going to be gifted Cheese Nips from now until the end of time, but she's also going to have to live with the following sentences attached to her name:

"Hillary Caron finds social life after work on the Hill to be a lot like her days as a Tri-Delt at Duke University. 'You go to a party, and it’s Udall people and McCaskill people and people from the Ag Committee,' she says of Congress’s cliquish nature. 'We're 10 years older and know how to hold our liquor, but otherwise, it's similar.'"

And that, my friends, is why people hate DC. Thanks for your contribution to the toolestry, Hillary.

Yet Ms. Caron is not the only reason people hate DC. Oh no, there are at least 49 more! However, for the purposes of our sanity (and not to mention I have a lunch scheduled at 1 p.m.), we'll only look at a few more of these 50 hotties.

Like these dogs!

Seriously, those are some fine canines.

Yet unlike those beautiful beasts, some weren't so lucky with their photos, like Anu Vakkalanka of (and I am not making this up), whose awkward pose makes her look like she's having a "fat guy in a little coat" moment.

Suck it in, girl!

Then, of course, we have Allison Sadoian, who claims she's mistaken for Katie Holmes, Anne Hathaway and Brittany Murphy (post-mortem?) on a daily basis.

"I'm told at least once a day that I remind [people] of someone famous," Sadoian told The Hill. Uh, maybe in Conan O'Brien's old "If They Mated" machine...

Then there's Jon Ward, whose most interesting characteristic is apparently the fact that he wears glasses.

Indeed, those are some fine spectacles.

There's also Hudson Hollister. He's (surprise!) "Transparent."

Then we have Blair Mixon, who like "Cheese Nips lover" will forever be associated with a foodstuff. In her case, it's grits, y'all!

"All of my northern friends thought that grits were terrible," Mixon says. "So I started telling everybody how to eat them the right way, not the plain way they thought you were supposed to."

Consider those tax dollars well-spent, Americans. Yee-haw.


Dr. Bunsen Honeydew said...

I consider it a handy guide of people to avoid if I ever run into them.

Jeff Sonderman said...

I nominate this for one of the 50 Most Beautiful Blog Posts of the year.

Debbi said...

How totally funny/sad. And so very DC.

Anyhow, congrats on making it through yet another year. And may you enjoy many more!

patrick b said...

happy bday good going on not dying.

Patty Duke said...

Happy Birthday!

Ms Mixon,
May I remind you that you are nowon the Hill . We eat polenta, not grits.

Edwina Toolston III

Freewheel said...

Happy birthday!

Fine collection of future members of Congress.

Anonymous said...

Patty Duke,
Ms. Mixon is quite the diplomat isn't she, taking her grits to Washington and sharing the culinary gospel of the South with all her friends? I found her article quite refreshing, and humorous-- as I did many of the articles. I think that was the spirit in which these things were intended to be taken.
And if you had read the article about Blair Mixon, you'd have noticed that not only is Ms. Mixon very well educated, she could also talk to you about grits, polenta, or cream of wheat, in French or English.

Marissa honey, don't be so bitter. I'm sure you're on, well, somebody's list...

Hatin' on the haters said...

^^ Blair Mixon's minions can post comments AND make lists.

patrick b said...

I'd like to see a dj/rap/or any other kind of battle btw Grits and Slassy.

Maybe a zoolander style walk off?

maryjanejeff said...

Hillary Caron is hot. I could overcome the "Hill Status" thing.....I hope.

Patty Duke said...

Hey Anon 2:29 lighten up. It's only a joke.

Anonymous said...

Yeah yeah yeah Patty, I got ya... I just thought it was a little snide of you to be a polenta elitist. Ms. Grits is no dummy. I’m sure she would gladly share a good dinner of polenta and beans with you anytime.
Minions, Hatin?? Seriously?
I wonder what it must be like to go from a lowly congressional staffer one day, to being a wildly influential woman commanding minions to do her bidding? Lord let's pray the power doesn't go to her head before the remainder of her 15 minutes are up.

Anonymous said...

power to the head!

power to the head!





Ben (The Tiger in Exile) said...

Of the two Republican women, the first one looks rather mannish... unfortunate, that.

The second-- the grits-lover -- I think that's a decent food to be associated with. "True grit", don't you know.

Marissa said...

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew--

Except for Scott Brown. He's the one true looker on this list. Me-ow.


Ahh shucks. Thanks. Can my nickname be "Parentheses lover?"


Thanks and yes, Hollywood is laughing its ass off right now.

Patrick B--

Thx. I say, buckwheat.

Patty Duke--

Oh my! May I be the first to welcome your alter ego, Edwina Toolston III, to my humble e-home!


I know it's easy to think someone is just bitter if they mock something pathetic that you weirdly enjoy but actually know is pathetic, so I'll let that slide.

May I extend the same welcome to you as I did to Ms. Toolston III. I hope you enjoy your stay here and come back again. :)

Marissa said...

Hatin' on the haters--

You know what they say, haters gonna hate on the haters who gonna hate. But really, I do think it's a stretch to think Blair Mixon would have actual minions. But if she does, I'm jealous. I've been hoping to get a minion for years!

patrick b--

The full name now is officially Slassy Buckwheat. Honestly, between Grits and I, it might be a pretty sad rap battle. #twowhitegirlsdonotmakeafreestyleright


Well, she's single!


Is this the same anonymous from before? I'm glad you made friends with Edwina Toolston III. I knew you guys would be compatible!

power to the head--

Power to the head!


I guess if I had to choose between Cheese Nips and grits, I'd rather have grits. At least they're not chemically dyed orange.

Anonymous said...

Yes yes, the same…
I don’t really know what’s so “pathetic” about it— that it arouses so much ire in you is what gives me cause to suspect some sort of issue on your part…
Either way, do these people really deserve personal attacks because they took part in something you wouldn’t (or say you wouldn’t) take part in yourself?
Is it just an elitist asshole thing? What’s the deal?
Why do you care?
As I said, dear Marissa, I’m sure you’re on somebody’s list, somewhere…