all this over a bike rack...

I'm not sure which genius first proclaimed, "Haters gonna hate" (Confucius? Plato? Rollerblading Batman?), but I do know that whoever said it was probably, most definitely talking about Georgetown's hatred of bike racks.

Seriously, as if I really needed another reason to complain about Georgetown...

But on to the latest story to apprecihate: I went to the new Apple Store in Georgetown today to wait 45 minutes to get my computer repaired. The official diagnosis? "Um, actually, everything seems to be working fine." Well, that's fabulous...

No really, that's actually definitional of fabulous because it means I don't have to pay any money to repair anything. (The nice people at Mac will press Ctrl+Alt+Del for free.)

No, the Apple Store isn't the problem. In fact, I quite like that an Apple Store exists in DC now. I just wish it didn't exist in Georgetown, the proverbial grand wizard of hatery when it comes to neighborhood bike racks. Even the street-sign posts there are too fat to fit a medium-sized U-lock around! In fact, the only sturdy apparatus near the intersection of Wisconsin and M that could even compare to an actual bike rack is the garbage can! And what does that tell us? It tells us that Georgetown hates freedom, that's what!

Stay with me here...

Riding a bike frees the streets from congestion. It frees the air from pollution. It frees our bodies from morbid obesity. Indeed, besides growing an Abraham Lincoln beard or singing the National Anthem whilst wrapped in an American flag (I've got that activity scheduled in for 4 p.m. today), there's nary an activity that shows the world you love Amurrica more than cycling over to an overpriced store in an overpriced neighborhood to fix your overpriced technology that isn't even broken in the first place, which you would probably know if you didn't go to an American public high school that devalued learning so much that they employed a teacher who taught us about the Holocaust via REENACTMENT. USA! USA! USA!

And I'll have you know, Georgetown, I'm not the first one to complain about this! I know this because when I told one of the nice Apple employees, he said, "You're not the first one to complain about this!" SO SUCK IT! Or, actually, maybe instead of sucking it, install some dang bike racks!

M Street and Wisconsin Ave. are a couple of constant clusterf*cks because of cars. Wouldn't it be to the neighborhood's advantage to welcome bikes and, thus, de-clutter the streets and make it more pedestrian friendly? I mean, I'm not a businesswoman (unless, of course, we count "giving people the business" as a business), but it seems to me that local retail shops, such as the Apple Store, would welcome a less clusterf*cky street, where people could more easily access their storefronts, because it would drive business up. I mean, who wouldn't enjoy a friendlier looking façade that didn't smell like an exhaust pipe?

I'll tell you who -- Osama bin Laden! That's who! Whose side are you on Georgetown?! Ours or the terrorists?!

And while you're contemplating that question, Georgetown, think about this one: Which city are you located in? While it seems you'd rather exist in Arlington, Va., state and District lines say you exist in DC, which means you don't have as much room for parking lots to accommodate the kind of motorized traffic to which you seem to cater. Because right now, Georgetown, you have all the generic charm of a shopping mall without the necessary convenience...

Now, I'm not saying Georgetown should completely uproot its entire aesthetic (after all, I said just paragraphs ago how nice it is to have a Mac Repair Shop in DC), but there are ways to make the area a lot more friendly to people who aren't commuting in via any bridges or highways, you know, THE PEOPLE WHO LIVE HERE. Bike racks are just a start...

And you better get used to it because, if my schmientific calculations are correct, you're on track to soon become the new H Street. So, look forward to this...