this article just made dc uglier

Just when you start thinking, "Oh, I'm off to the beach today, so I don't think I have time to write a proper essay for The Anti DC," this happens -- a blog called Awesome DC does the impossible and makes DC sound even lamer than it actually is.

No seriously. Even an article I should be flattered by makes me want to go all kung-fu Midget Mac on the world. Elias Shams of Awesome DC writes:

"Having lived and worked in many countries and cities, I’ve always found the Washingtonian women the most attractive ones. I just found out the reason: They are mostly in their late 20’s and low 30’s. According to a new research I just read on telegraph, women in their late 20s and early 30s are considered more attractive than fresh-faced eighteen and nineteen year olds. The findings, from a survey of the opinions of over 2,000 men and women, found that beauty was as much rooted in personality as appearance. Beauty was defined as being confident by 70 per cent of respondents, having good looks by 67 per cent and being stylish by 47 per cent."

Ignoring all the grammatical and style errors (Shams is originally from Iran), this whole premise barely even makes sense. Where in this "telegraph study" (I'm assuming he means England's Telegraph newspaper), is age even mentioned? Also, where in this study does it indicate that any of those things considered to be attractive qualities -- looks, confidence, style -- are exclusive to each other? From what I can tell from this chopped up data, 70 percent of respondents said having a nice personality was an attractive quality. Almost the same amount, 67 percent, said good looks was also an attractive quality. Perhaps what makes a person attractive is some combination of the two? Logic.

Also, although Mr. Shams's words seem complimentary to women between the ages of 28 and 35, the ages he defines as late twenties and early thirties, they're actually pretty hideously offensive. It seems like he's saying we (I'm 30) are automatically uglier than women in their early 20s, that women have a "peak" range, after which it's all just a big, ugly, physical decline until we die shriveled up little trolls.

And actually, it's pretty offensive to younger women, as well. While you're all "fresh-faced" and pretty, you also apparently have the confidence of a tater-tot. Grow up you babbling babies!

Jesus. And just when you think it couldn't get worse...

"Being surrounded by such a large number women in D.C. between the age of 28 and 35, all smoking hot and mostly with great personality, we, men certainly having a tough time to pick one. I mean think about it – how can we choose? If you still don’t know the hell I am talking about, here is a closest example I can think of from the woman’s side. Imagine you go shopping for dress, or shoe or bag. Your choices are Oscar de la renta, CHANEL, and Versace . How can you decide? Don’t you wish you could have them all? Even if you end up buying Versace, you still wish you could have had the other two as well. Not to mention you will buy them in a month or so later anyway."

Oh, tee f*cking hee. What a great f*cking analogy. Because 1) women are too stupid to understand the basic concept that having several good options can make decisions tougher to make without relating it to shoes, and 2) women are just like products to be bought and discarded for a new model later! Fantastic!

"It is very tough to be a man living in D.C. A lot of hard choices Sometimes, I wish I was gay so I didn’t have to go through such hard choices . Then again, even if I was gay, we, Washingtonian men are also hot compare to men living in other part of the country, even compare to the men from other countries. Yes, we are mostly a*hole, but that’s a given. We can’t help it. By default, we are born that way "

Keep in mind that paragraph immediately precedes this picture:


Every gay man on Earth just recoiled. Indeed, judging from Elias's own evidence, the only sentence in that last paragraph that I could ever think was even half true is the last...

On the brightside, at least I have an inkling as to how Nick Nolte ended up being named the sexiest man alive by People magazine that one time... Shams clearly must have been on the editorial board.

Not OK.

Hat tip: @debbimack