Wednesday, July 7, 2010

strut. that. ass.

Well, even though that gentleman seems to have confused the words "run" with "drive," which seems to be the least of his problems, he's got one thing right: If you walk 15 or 20 miles, it'll be pretty hard to engage in any struttin' of thine ass these days. And not because it's hot, but because it's HAWT.

So, this weather blows. It blows like a hair dryer on the highest setting. And it blows so hard that I suggest we not discuss it anymore. Instead, let's draw up some ice baths, sit in the dark and spend some Q.T. struttin' our asses with an electrical device near water. Indeed, I'm talking about making sweet, metaphorical, possibly deadly love to the Internet this afternoon.

Hey, did I ever tell you how hard it is to be taken seriously as a female comedy writer? Well, it f*cking is. The world of comedy is inherently sexist -- despite what the female Daily Show staff would have you think -- because it's so embedded in the system that no one knows what's going on...not even Jon Stewart, says Washington City Paper's Amanda Hess, who I agree with entirely.

In less depressing news, it might soon be getting a lot easier to get out of here aboard a rigid air ship. While I thought the West-bound flight restrictions out of National were some post-9/11 rule in place to limit the amount of fuel aboard any given flying machine at any given time (I imagine it takes a lot more gas to get from DCA to SFO than DCA to JFK), it turns out the main reason more flights have been restricted out of DCA is noise pollution and complaints from local residents. Um, what? So, these people who chose to live near National didn't realize that the big building with the planes around it was a freaking airport when they bought their condos? "Them's funny shaped cars in that there parking lot!" Jesus Christ. Stop trying to restrict progress because of your mistake, you hawing donkey.

Speaking of restricting progress and hawing donkeys -- DC local politics. The choices are far from stellar for mayor this year (let's be honest -- I'm not running), but Vince Gray's eyebrows tried to bridge the gap between totally inept and status quo earlier this week when he met with local bloggers. Where? At Ben's Chili Bowl. Even if I was invited, I wouldn't have attended because of that. But some other people did, including former Why I Hate DC writer Dave Stroup, who actually doesn't hate DC as much as I think he just feels sorry for it like an ugly baby or a puppy with broken legs. He just wants to help.

And I also want to help, believe it or not, which is why I'm planning a new video feature called "Get to Know..." here on The Anti DC. I'm going to cobble together vlogs that introduce then summarize local issues/events in an effort to not only make them relevant to our lives, but maybe even interesting and worth caring about. Of course, I don't plan to lose my retardulous edge. Entertainment will always win over lots of boring information here. (Facts can go f*ck themselves.) Anyway, I'm working on the first one right now, but am always open for suggestions, so if you have something in mind you'd like me to touch awkwardly and possibly uncomfortably with my schmrilliance (which, indeed, is much more highly prized characteristic over here than brilliance), let me know either via a comment, an email, or Twitter. Please? Thanks.


Adam said...

I think I counted five awkward segues in just one post. Nicely done.

Marissa said...

Five...that seems a little on the low side. I'll work on it!

Dex Morgan said...

You're vulgar and profane. But the moment one of your 'readers' compliments your appearance and suggests a rendezvous; you retort with references to 'class' and 'taste.'

So, sexuality is off limits. But vulgarity and profanity are standard fare.

Typical American. Typical DC resident. (That's you!)

Patty Duke said...

I gone get right on it. Idea wise

Debbi said...

Beans + flatulence = great content

Patrick B said...

Very Excited about the forthcoming vlogs. Perhaps an investigative journalism piece into the proliferation of over-priced bike shops in DC? I mean there are 4 bike shops within like 500 feet of each other in G-Money-Town.
Is that a local issue or maybe I just have issues?

Marissa said...


Nice knowing fictional serial killers are amongst my readership...although apparently not my regular readership. See, yes, it's nice to joke about sex, sexuality, all of it. I do it ALL THE TIME. What's not OK with me is to tell me that I "look sexually open." Perhaps you don't have a lot of experience with girls, but THAT IS NOT A COMPLIMENT. You basically just unironically told me I look like a hooker. Show me a woman from another culture who would take that as a compliment. I think even the Russians wouldn't be amused.


Indeed, I'm counting on you as a life-long DC resident. Something definitely on the proverbial plate is voting rights.


Really, it's the formula of success.

patrick b--

Well, first of all, everyone has issues. (See "Dex Morgan" above.) Yeah, I've always been confused about DC's bike shop layout. There are so many in Georgetown yet nary a bike rack! Conspiracy.

Patty Duke said...

I'm leaning more towards statehood.
It's harder for Congress to rape us with representation both in the house and the senate. Besides, there are no constitutinal issues.