Thursday, July 8, 2010

meanies and TVs

I have two things to complain about today -- the DMV and Spike Mendelsohn.

First, let's get the DMV out of the way. F*ck that place. I realize the Department of Motor Vehicles isn't in the customer service business considering there's no competition there, but seriously -- suck it. It's like they're looking for reasons to yell at you.

Por ejemplo: I went to the Georgetown location yesterday to register a vehicle that had I known would cost me a whopping $462 to do, I would probably have just sold the damn thing and bought a nicer bike. But alas, when I finally got to the front of the line and asked politely how much the whole thing would cost I was told, "I dunno," through the scowl of a surly woman. Now, at this point, I probably should have known better than to think I could possibly get any useful information out of this DMV dickette, but I decided to press a little further anyway: "So, like, around $50 maybe?" This is when things got ugly.

"Look," she said, drawing out the word long enough to remove her glasses in that way that people do when they want to affect a sense of smug superiority. "I told you: I. DON'T. KNOW!"

"Really? There's not some sort of standard fee for these things?"

Instead of answering that sensible question, she decided to yell at me about the my documents, which I had filed and then paper-clipped in order.

"Where is the insurance information?!"

"In your hand."

"I also don't see the original title here!"

"It's signed and stapled to the lien information." I paused then added, "In your hand."

She looked at me and grimaced then shoved a clipboard and a number in my hand and screamed, "Take a seat! NEXT!"

"Do I bring this form back to you or...?"


At that point, I walked away and vowed to come back with a hidden camera. That woman seriously has no business being in any profession that has her talking to people all day. In fact, I wouldn't even trust her to clean up after animals in the zoo. Or take care of plants. Basically, she shouldn't be allowed to deal with anything living. Or maybe even dead. I can just imagine her in a morgue using the bodies as punching bags to take out her aggressions from having such a sh*tty life.

I pity that fool.

And I'm not the only one. While I was waiting for my number to be called, I witnessed another woman get into a screaming match with this bitch. Apparently, the woman, a foreign national, was told to come over to the Georgetown location while at some other location because, although it's nowhere to be found on the DMV's website, the only locale that has the wherewithal to deal with green carders is the Georgetown facility. Welcome to America?

Jeez, what a sh*tshow.

I guess the moral of this story is don't drive in DC. Ever. EVER! Ride a bike instead. Or walk. Or take the Metro. Ride the bus. ANYTHING! Just save yourself...

In other complaints, what the hell is up with this Spike Mendelsohn character? I watched Top Chef DC last night and saw him for the first time as a guest judge. I didn't watch the season he was on but has he always come off as a gigantic overrated assface? (Albeit a good-looking assface.)

I mean, he owns a BURGER shop and a PIZZA place. I'm not sure what makes him qualified to look down his rather lovely structured nose at this new batch of contestants, especially when he didn't even win his season (thank you, Wikipedia). And if he really is such a superior chef, why is he wasting his talents on burgers and pizza? No burger place will ever make a better hamburger than most people can make on their own backyard grills and no pizza place will ever beat what you can get for $2 on the streets of Brooklyn. Am I right? No really, am I? If there's better pizza than New York pizza, please tell me where to get it and don't give me that bullsh*t about Chicago deep dish because to the rest of us that's called a casserole.

Of course, the irony here is that I'm judging the choice of judges on a cooking show when my idea of cooking surmounts to cracking open a can of beans and roasting them over an open trash-can fire...

But hey, unlike the surcharges at the DMV, at least you know the price of visiting The Anti DC. That'll be 462 brain cells, thank you.


FoggyDew said...

Your DMV experience reminds me of the last time I had the pleasure. It wasn't until after I'd sat patiently for the better part of three hours before getting to the front of the line I learned I'd totally wasted my time.

When I got there, the woman behind the counter went through my papers and then demanded I provide proof I was an American citizen. Apparently my Texas drivers license and federal ID weren't enough, the commonwealth required my original birth certificate. Did I mention, she did all of this in english so heavily accented I basically needed a translator to discover I'd just wasted three hours.

Anonymous said...

Now I think you might understand my comments about Good Stuff Eatery vs. Ray's Hell Burger.

Marissa said...


WHAT?! VA requires an ORIGINAL birth certificate? What if you were born outside the States then naturalized? Something seems totally un-right about that...


Not sure I get how my distrust of Spike Mendelsohn as a suitable judge on Top Chef is really relevant to whether his burgers are lesser than the burgers at Ray's. A burger is a burger is a burger to me. On the wide range of what's great and what's not, burgers are all in the good category, however, no burger will ever be truly great to me. Just like no burger will ever be bad. It just is.

Anonymous said...

I wasn't even commenting on how his burgers compare with Ray's. My point was more along the lines of not giving business to a restaurant owned, by, as you put it, a "gigantic overrated assface."

And that apparently can come out in how the restaurant is run (see

Malnurtured Snay said...

I ate at Spike's burger place a few weeks ago, and while the burger was actually pretty goddammed good, it was like a ten minute wait to place the order, and a twenty minute wait to actually get it. I mean, either open a classy restaurant, or open a fast food place, but don't try to combine the two, because I certainly won't be going back for an overpriced tiny (yet delicious) cheeseburger.

Alex said...

I know you're never gonna believe this, but the DMV is not usually that bad these days. That lady sounds seriously old skool -- that's what any interaction with the DC government during the Barry years used to be like.

laloca said...

@FoggyDew - the information you had is incorrect. the virginia DMV accepts unexpired drivers licenses from other states as proof of identity. birth certificate is only one of more than 20 forms of ID verification they accept.

the requirements are available online -

Marissa said...


Ahh, got it. Sometimes it takes my brain a while to process things. I guess if it's a choice between Federal government money going to a nice guy in VA or an assface in DC, I'd still pick assface.


Yeah. I agree. I think the concept of "fancy burger joint" is really last decade. If you're such a dynamic chef, think of something new to bring into our lives!


What I like is that you can do a lot online. This, however, was not one of those situations. And yes, the woman was a bit older so maybe she was from the Barry days...

Sonya said...

Ok I just have to use the word dickette in the future. Love it.

Patty Duke said...

As I read the first para. of this post. I was thinking wouldn't it be nice if these people were video taped. I guarantee you will get better customer service. Knowing that you are being recorded visually or orally while performing your job makes you think before saying or doig something inappropriate, I would think. Hmmm. Imagine admitting on camera to not knowing the job that you are being paid to do and being
nasty at that. Performance reviews anyone?