death threats! hooray!

There comes a point in the e-life of every blogger when you know you've e-made it. It comes in the form of two words you've dreamed of hearing since you were a kid learning home-row on a Mac IIe. Book deal? Indeed!

Indeed, a book deal would have been a nice announcement, but that's not what I'm referring to (at least not yet). I'm referring to that other magical two-word phrase that usually affects just those who matter in real life, like rich people. But for some reason this two-word phrase has crept up on me. I'm talking about receiving a death threat.

Yes, e-friends, I've received a death threat! Hooray! Well, OK, I might be exaggerating just a tad. I didn't receive a death threat, per se, in the classic sense (i.e., a note composed of clipped magazine letters reading, "I'm going to kill you, bitch!"); it was more of a passive-aggressive sentiment of death, which, if you think about it, is the only kind of death threat I can imagine really happening in DC. After all, this is a town that depends on the passive voice when it comes to important sh*t like life and war -- "Mistakes were made." By whom? Eh, not important. Riiiight...

Strangely, the veiled threat and clear wish for my ultimate demise came as a comment to what I thought was a relatively benign post about a driver nearly hitting me while I was riding my bike the other day. In fact, in my opinion, the major revelation in the post was that I look like an asshole in tight-rolled jeans. If anyone should be pissed, it should be me! But it's interesting that this post would irk someone so much. Then again, the Internet seems to have a way of bringing the inner harassers out of people like real life rarely does. Why is that?

Potentially book-worthy philosophical discussions about human nature aside, let's take a look at my e-nemesis' e-scribblings, shall we? We shall; that is, if you choose to keep reading beyond this paragraph -- a point I will return to shortly.

I wish [the kidnapper van's driver] hit you. Just what we need in the world, more stuck up bitches who think they're smarter and better than everyone around them. Maybe if he hit you, the dumb doctors and nurses at the hospital would ask you how they should treat you since they are probably part of the 95% of people dumber than you right? Bikes have the same laws as cars, I wish you real [SIC] ended him so it would've been your fault for thinking you own the road. Have nice fucking day ma'am.

Oh boy! This guy (or gal) is the Francis Buxton to my Pee-Wee! If only this death wish came from someone who wasn't clearly so functionally retarded. Then it'd probably really be something to post about, or rather, call 911 about.

But, you know, I almost feel bad for poking fun at this ass, mainly because I pity him (or her.) I mean, if someone is that stupid not to be able to pick up on second-grade-level sarcasm, then really, is it fair of a much superior mind to keep taking such easy digs at this idiot?

Oh, fairness -- schmairness. I've already taken to dissecting this jagbag's comment this far, I might as well keep it going. Plus, it's been a slow week.

For anyone with an IQ greater than a spoke nipple (huzzah!) who read my post, you'd know that my entire point was that I was following the law (for a change). I realize cyclists are obliged to follow the same rules of the road as motor vehicles, which is why I -- and anyone else on a bicycle -- am entitled to a full lane of traffic. That means every car who pulls out in front of me thinking I'll just swerve off to the side, every asshole who swerves around me thinking I'll be able to ride in the gutter and every dumbass who tailgates me too closely is the one in violation of the law.

Now, I break the law, too, sometimes JUST LIKE DRIVERS. I run red lights occasionally, or creep between cars. The difference is that when I do those things, I'm not putting anyone but myself in harm's way. I also have less barriers between me and my surroundings, making my conscious decision to run a red light or sneak out ahead of traffic a better option for everyone, including drivers. Think about it: The further I get away from a speeding motorized vehicle, the less I have to worry about getting hit and the less drivers have to be annoyed that I'm unable to break the speed limit with them when they accelerate. For a better justification of scofflaw cycling, read this seminal post by DC-based bike blog, WashBikes.

With all that in mind, I've come to the conclusion that my anonymous death wisher is a complete moron. I've already replied directly to him (or her) in the comments section of the post in question, so I won't address him (or her) directly now, but I just thought I'd share this great milestone that The Anti DC has achieved today -- my first passive-aggressive death threat. *sigh*

Now, allow me to return to a quick point I started to make above. Despite the supernatural magnetism that draws people here each and every day (some call it magic), it is ultimately each individual's choice to read what is written here. If someone sees no inherent value in my postings, then why stick around? Unless, of course, this anonymous e-foe secretly loves me. That's it, isn't it! Anonymous death wisher loves me, he (or she) really, really loves me! His (or her) passive-aggressive death wish is truly a lovely sweet nothing. Thanks. In fact, that anonymous dumb bitch will be the first to get an autographed copy of my book, which will come out, um, in the future.