Friday, October 3, 2008

death threats! hooray!

There comes a point in the e-life of every blogger when you know you've e-made it. It comes in the form of two words you've dreamed of hearing since you were a kid learning home-row on a Mac IIe. Book deal? Indeed!

Indeed, a book deal would have been a nice announcement, but that's not what I'm referring to (at least not yet). I'm referring to that other magical two-word phrase that usually affects just those who matter in real life, like rich people. But for some reason this two-word phrase has crept up on me. I'm talking about receiving a death threat.

Yes, e-friends, I've received a death threat! Hooray! Well, OK, I might be exaggerating just a tad. I didn't receive a death threat, per se, in the classic sense (i.e., a note composed of clipped magazine letters reading, "I'm going to kill you, bitch!"); it was more of a passive-aggressive sentiment of death, which, if you think about it, is the only kind of death threat I can imagine really happening in DC. After all, this is a town that depends on the passive voice when it comes to important sh*t like life and war -- "Mistakes were made." By whom? Eh, not important. Riiiight...

Strangely, the veiled threat and clear wish for my ultimate demise came as a comment to what I thought was a relatively benign post about a driver nearly hitting me while I was riding my bike the other day. In fact, in my opinion, the major revelation in the post was that I look like an asshole in tight-rolled jeans. If anyone should be pissed, it should be me! But it's interesting that this post would irk someone so much. Then again, the Internet seems to have a way of bringing the inner harassers out of people like real life rarely does. Why is that?

Potentially book-worthy philosophical discussions about human nature aside, let's take a look at my e-nemesis' e-scribblings, shall we? We shall; that is, if you choose to keep reading beyond this paragraph -- a point I will return to shortly.

I wish [the kidnapper van's driver] hit you. Just what we need in the world, more stuck up bitches who think they're smarter and better than everyone around them. Maybe if he hit you, the dumb doctors and nurses at the hospital would ask you how they should treat you since they are probably part of the 95% of people dumber than you right? Bikes have the same laws as cars, I wish you real [SIC] ended him so it would've been your fault for thinking you own the road. Have nice fucking day ma'am.

Oh boy! This guy (or gal) is the Francis Buxton to my Pee-Wee! If only this death wish came from someone who wasn't clearly so functionally retarded. Then it'd probably really be something to post about, or rather, call 911 about.

But, you know, I almost feel bad for poking fun at this ass, mainly because I pity him (or her.) I mean, if someone is that stupid not to be able to pick up on second-grade-level sarcasm, then really, is it fair of a much superior mind to keep taking such easy digs at this idiot?

Oh, fairness -- schmairness. I've already taken to dissecting this jagbag's comment this far, I might as well keep it going. Plus, it's been a slow week.

For anyone with an IQ greater than a spoke nipple (huzzah!) who read my post, you'd know that my entire point was that I was following the law (for a change). I realize cyclists are obliged to follow the same rules of the road as motor vehicles, which is why I -- and anyone else on a bicycle -- am entitled to a full lane of traffic. That means every car who pulls out in front of me thinking I'll just swerve off to the side, every asshole who swerves around me thinking I'll be able to ride in the gutter and every dumbass who tailgates me too closely is the one in violation of the law.

Now, I break the law, too, sometimes JUST LIKE DRIVERS. I run red lights occasionally, or creep between cars. The difference is that when I do those things, I'm not putting anyone but myself in harm's way. I also have less barriers between me and my surroundings, making my conscious decision to run a red light or sneak out ahead of traffic a better option for everyone, including drivers. Think about it: The further I get away from a speeding motorized vehicle, the less I have to worry about getting hit and the less drivers have to be annoyed that I'm unable to break the speed limit with them when they accelerate. For a better justification of scofflaw cycling, read this seminal post by DC-based bike blog, WashBikes.

With all that in mind, I've come to the conclusion that my anonymous death wisher is a complete moron. I've already replied directly to him (or her) in the comments section of the post in question, so I won't address him (or her) directly now, but I just thought I'd share this great milestone that The Anti DC has achieved today -- my first passive-aggressive death threat. *sigh*

Now, allow me to return to a quick point I started to make above. Despite the supernatural magnetism that draws people here each and every day (some call it magic), it is ultimately each individual's choice to read what is written here. If someone sees no inherent value in my postings, then why stick around? Unless, of course, this anonymous e-foe secretly loves me. That's it, isn't it! Anonymous death wisher loves me, he (or she) really, really loves me! His (or her) passive-aggressive death wish is truly a lovely sweet nothing. Thanks. In fact, that anonymous dumb bitch will be the first to get an autographed copy of my book, which will come out, um, in the future.


maryjanejeff said...

I "jaywalk" at least four times a day. Maybe someone will send me a death threat from the safety of their computer and a masked IP address too. Some people are just clueless schmucks.

I'll always jaywalk so it's a matter of time before someone wants to kill me. I'm from Massachusetts, we don't pay attention to crosswalk signals, we just walk if it's safe, it's ingrained in us since we were ten.

Is your bike still fixed? I haven't ridden mine all year since I've been running all the time.

De in D.C. said...

I think the closing sentiment of 'Have a nice fucking day ma'am' is the best part of the entire diatribe. It's almost as if he (or she!) was able to mock your over-politeness to asshat drivers. Yet, somehow I don't think the commenter could quite pick up on something as subtle as your polite sarcasm.

Arjewtino said...

What a phony.

And he totally forgot a comma in one of his sentences.

You know you've made it when the haters come out.

Adam said...

Excellent Pee Wee refrence. Well done.

Lu said...

me, too, thinks that that person must be in love with you... :) but even though you're response to him was pretty nice and witty, maybe that person is already punished enough by its dumbness and any more effort from your side to make him see will just cause more.. you know.. dumbness in some way or the other. but i must admit that the boundless immorality
of the internet do #be# enticing in terms of just letting it go and rethorically kicking some stupid ass...

Lemmonex said...

You have arrived!!!

Now I am jealous. I have never gotten a death threat and I DO think I am better than most people.

Skywalker said...

I may disagree with you from time to time but I would not e threat you. For shame - no civility? What happen to days of the Lincoln Douglas Debates? William Jennings Bryant?

Three oratories and lemonade. Bring it back. I'm not sure this is something to celebrate though.

nate said...

Does it have to be on paper to count? Lord knows I've inspired more than a few "I'm going to f-ing kill you!" moments in my life.

Horace T said...

Forgive the several month hiatus, but I'm truly befuddled... e-threats?! I'd TP the hoopdie ride over that nonsense!... just saying -- your aforementioned e-threating saggy nuts is just trying to flirt.

Keep flaunting what that shallow gene pool gave you!

Peter said...

Not bad for you first time - you inspired a good level of antipathy and you seem to have really hit the right buttons (your mystery commenter's obvious inferiority complex - he got pretty defensive about you POSSIBLY thinking you might be smarter than other people) and the post was grammatically... well not so much incorrect (though there was that) as lazy. All in all, I give it 4 out of 5 but I can't dance to it. If it had been angrier and in all caps with a YOUR mistaken for YOU'RE or maybe even a mean internet abbreviation (STFU, GTFO), then you would have hit hater gold. Keep rubbin' 'em the wrong way, internet tuff guys will abound.

Marissa said...


Yeah, I'd watch your back. Apparently, anonymous death wishes, or, bodily harm wishes rather are all the rage these days.


I agree. That line made me LOL, however, I would've preferred a much more cleverly written complaint. In fact, I'd probably get some sort of sick joy knowing that I pissed someone off legitimately and not just because he (or she!!!) was too dumb to understand what I wrote. Ahh well, there's still time (until I get hit by that car...).


Commas are the least of this poster's problem I'm guessing. But yes, I do feel like I must be doing something right to bring out a bit of e-angst. Engst?


Thanks! I really need to reference Pee Wee more.


The World Wide Web is, indeed, a sick and quite twisted place. Yet I love it, bodily harm threats and all. I guess that means I'm pretty sick and twisted myself. I do draw a line though. If I wouldn't say it to a person's face, I don't feel that great about saying it anonymously on the Web. To each his own, I suppose!


Bitch, I'm gonna kill you. JUST KIDDING! But I hope that brightened your day! Wow. Yeah. This just got awkward.


I 100 percent agree with you! I love civil debate and lemonade!, not so much.


Ahh, you're right. My view of death threats is clearly too narrow. Legit verbal threats, or even the old finger across the neck move, totally count. You must be important!

horace t--

Good gods, I'm glad to see you've returned. Especially if it involves you TP-ing the hoopdie ride. I think I might know what that means, but it's probably something better than I can even conjure. Welcome back!


This comment was definitely not hater gold, like you said. But, ya gotta start somewhere. Here's to hoping for true incoherence next time!