Thursday, October 30, 2008

shambles p.i. -- the hickburger edition

I don't know quite how it turned into hamburger week here at The Anti DC, but I guess when it rains, it pours, or more appropriately, when it grills, it chars, which explains why, on the heels of the delicious shazzambles at Z Burger yesterday, my very own mother sent me this snapshot of some small-town burger shambles this morning.

Mmm...delicious "new little hickburgers."

I'm trusting the hickburgers at this Hayes, Va., Hardees are even tastier than their thickburgers. I bet they're covered with Velveeta, bean dip and Hidden Valley Ranch. If that sounds gnarly to you, then you only have your functional tastebuds to blame. If that sounds tasty to you, then I feel bad for you.

But vomit-inducing meaty treats aside, it's important to recognize where this sign was born. Hayes is a tiny speck of a town near Norfolk that features a movie theater, a 7-11 and, for some reason, several hundred tattoo parlors. Clearly, it's a classy place. But it's made even classier after recognizing that the hottest spot in town is definitely this Hardees, which also happens to be the fanciest restaurant within a 20 mile radius. But then again, how could it not be the best when it serves up cheese-product smothered hickburgers?

However, as much as I'd like to pretend there is such a thing as a "hickburger," I fear much like the chimerical "Shazam!" of Z Burger, this is just the work of the high school senior who manages this Hardees. While some may call him a simple prankster, I like to think of this mythical manager as a visionary. He's goin' places! At least on this blog.

Or maybe it was the wind. Eh.

P.S. -- Veering away from hamburgers, but sticking to stuff that deserves the label "Shazam," does anyone know where one can obtain a Captain's yacht hat by tomorrow at 3 p.m.? Um, if so, please send me an E-mail. Thanks!


I-66 said...

That's nothing compared to the "PENIS POT PIE" and "BAD BUTT FEAST" signs that may or may not have been in some way created by me and or people I know.

nate said...

Ya know, considering the town, it very well could actually be right. Nothing like the wit of "real Virginia".

Anonymous said...

Look around in children's clothing sections at big dept. stores, assuming your skull would fit a kiddie sized hat. Kids sections always carry captain hats. (pete)

Marissa said...


And, of course, I LOL'd at that. Genius.


My mom wants to call the Hardees headquarters. She thinks it reflects poorly on the town's residents.


I'm both concerned and delighted that you know this. Actually, though, the same thought actually crossed my mind already and I've had no luck. I may be changing my costume to Michael Jackson circa Dangerous, since I, probably unsurprisingly to most, own that entire get-up anyway. Tight black pants -- check, fedora -- check, white V-neck T-shirt -- check, flowing oversized white shirt -- check, one fingerless glove -- check, white socks -- check. The only thing I'll have to improvise on are the black patent oxfords and the one knee pad...but I'll come through.