Monday, October 20, 2008

heyyy führer !

Halloween has never been one of my favorite holidays. I mean I like candy and all, but I'd rather have a day off (I'm looking forward to you, Veteran's Day!). And the dressing up like an asshole bit? While I can invent the hell out of an outfit, creating a costume has always inexplicably been a bit tougher for me. See, I can conjure up an idea without a problem, but the execution is where the difficulties begin.

There was that time when I decided to be a soldier, but as I pieced together the costume I ended up becoming Gay Hitler. Heyyy! (Actually, on second thought, that costume was pretty tight.) Or last year when some friends and I decided to dress up like robots. The liquor store was kind enough to donate some boxes to the cause and we procured a few thousand feet of aluminum foil to adorn ourselves with. Then we added a couple of Hershey's Kisses robot nipples for the girls and a cod piece or two (don't ask) for the boys and we thought we were ready to roll. Turns out we didn't so much look like robots as we did Special Needs Kids Dressing Up Like Robots. (Come to think of it, that costume was also pretty tight.)

OK, so maybe I do have expert complex costume-making skills (although completely inadvertent), which is why I feel competent throwing out my Top 5 ideas for costumes to sport around DC this Halloween. And Sarah Palin is not on my list. Sorry, every-other-person.

FIVE -- DC Councilmember Jim Graham (D-Ward 1)

With his evergreen bow-tie, the sweet spectacles and his dutifully finger-waved hair, a Graham costume would be instantly recognizable in the DC metro area, without being unoriginal (see: Sarah Palin.) Plus, he knows how to party. And lift boxes.

FOUR -- Harriette Walter, DC government employee embezzler extraordinaire!

Walter's ill-fitting suit and equally ill-fitting weave are probably more infamous than the millions of dollars she embezzled from the city. Sure, her claim to fame is a little dated, but her recognizable look is literally burned into our collective retinas for 25 to life, making Walter's image a fine choice this Halloween.

THREE -- Robert Novak in a black Corvette.

This one's a bit more complicated than sporting a bow-tie or a horrendous wig. It may even require molding plastic to your ass in the shape of a vehicle bought to compensate for one's lack of masculinity and general decrepit state. But all that work has a pay-off as there is an acting element involved here -- hitting people. It's a trick and a treat! For you, not anyone else.

TWO -- Derek McGinty, WUSA9 Anchorman

McGinty may seem underwhelming as far as costume choices go, but have a closer look. That big bald head so perfectly caked with stage makeup is All Hallow's Eve perfection! Even more, however, McGinty isn't just hairless -- he's a genius! For proof, one need look no further than his blog, "What the Heck Was That?!" which McGinty describes as a "slightly snide tribute to a certain sports anchor from another network who uttered a very unfortunate word when she (mistakenly) thought the microphones were off. The word in question wasn't 'heck' but it did end with a 'c' and 'k.' I will use this platform to reveal the dark underbelly of what really happens on our newscasts when we really hope nobody can hear, and of course offer my own comments when the news gets too bizarre to ignore." Wow. I seriously couldn't make this sh*t up. Also, that above-posted pic is from his blog. I know! I think I might be in love with him, too!

ONE -- Mr. Peanut!

While Mr. Peanut may have nothing to do directly with the Capital of the Free World, his visage has much to do with freedom. Save for dressing up like Gay Hitler or A Special Needs Kid Dressing Up Like a Robot, nothing says "I ♥ Freedom" more than fashioning oneself after a classic character of Americana created solely to advance capitalism. Or, as an old college friend of mine recently noted, like an "anthropomorphic, foppish legume." Plus, you get to wear a monocle, a top hat and spats simultaneously. F*ck Halloween, I'm dressing up like Mr. Peanut tomorrow right now.

6 comments:

suicide_blond said...

i was sure i wanted to be a hobo...but you are making mr peanut look verrrry sexy...xoxo

Anonymous said...

I've been repping Mr. Peanut for years. Finally someone gets the understated elegance of monocles.

BAD said...

uhhh... what are you doing for halloween? I'm thinking I should come down to DC and we'll dress up like retard clowns and go to rock'n'roll hotel.

DC Goodwill Fashionista said...

"Give it up for Feathers, oooh Cadillac. And Tom Cruise. Ooohhhohohhohhooohoh. Planet Unicorn. Heyyy." Is there no more perfect expression of YouTube greatness than this?

What? You said something about costumes? Sorry, honey. I was visiting Planet Unicorn... -the DCGF

Peter said...

Cherish your freedom kids - no halloween for me here in the NIS/CIS/Former USSR... sigh...

Marissa said...

blonde--

Anything with a tophat is sexy. Abe Lincoln -- meow! Um...anyway...

anon--

I feel a close bond with you. I like it.

bad--

Uhhh...hanging out with you! RAZZYS!

dcfg--

I do not blame you for getting sidetracked by Planet Unicorn. It sidetracks me on a daily basis.

peter--

However, I'm trusting lack of a proper holiday will not stop you of all people from popping off those pants and sporting just a top hat and monocle. A Mr. Peanut impersonator will surely solve Ukraine's political crisis.