Monday, October 6, 2008

i'm a giant tool, says newspaper

Last week was a rough one on The Anti DC comment boards. Not only did I receive a hilariously retarded veiled death threat threat of bodily harm, but another commenter -- my "buddy," as this person noted -- also chastised me for daring to blog about politics. And despite (or perhaps because of) all the underhanded yet well-played insults my "buddy" included in his (sigh, or her) comments, I actually agree with him (or her -- dang, I really wish anonymous commenters would give me a hint as to their gender to eliminate this wordy awkwardness, or maybe awkward wordiness, whatever).

Talking about politics too much is one of DC's main problems. Don't get me wrong, I like a good, serious discussion every now and again, but discussing such topics in my free time every - single - day can get a bit tiresome. Besides that, writing about politics on this blog is slightly hypocritical; it's extremely DC of me, which goes against the very purpose of this hot mess.

And as karma would have it, my brief e-brush with douchedom not only has been immortalized in the ether, but in newsprint, as well; that is, Friday's Express, quoted my Thursday post about the bazillion-dollar bailout and $1.5 billion Metro bill in its Blog Log section, which would all be peaches and cream tight pants and sweatervests, except it makes me sound like a Grade A jagbag. Check it:

"'I don't think D.C. [area] residents should be the bearers of the cost of maintaining local transportation. Tourists should [contribute].' is happy to see the Senate pass a bill that would provide $1.5 billion in federal funds to Metro over the next 10 years."

My first thoughts: "Damn! That blog sounds boring! Sh*t. It's mine. Oh snap..."

That post, as with 99 percent of the other content on this exercise in retardulousness, was supposed to be humorous. While I do support that particular piece of legislation, I wouldn't say Express summed up what the extent of this blog is really about -- sarcastic jackassery -- with that tiny write-up. Not only does the Express blurb make it sound like The Anti DC is strictly full of jagbag information, but it makes it sound just plain dull and, most of all, not-at-all amusing. Not only that, but Express' snippet skips everything I wrote about the government's attempt to make the dollar worthless bailout, which was probably more interesting (but still equally douchey.)

And while that post wasn't as exciting as watching gay unicorns model, it was (hopefully) hardly as boring as Express framed it. In fact, that post was pure, albeit jagbagtastic, gold. I don't mean to toot my own proverbial horn (toot), but there are much better quotes in that precious metal 'chebaggy post to choose from, including:

"If my tax dollars have to pay for them to keep overconsuming and spoiling [tourists'] kids with expensive sh*t they don't need or bail them out of their ill-advised subprime debt, then they better be ready to pay for my pleasant experience on the DC metro..."

Now, I still sound like a massive tool, but I sound like a jackass, too, which at least sheds some light on the tone of this terrifyingly ridiculous corner of the Web. And while I still can't say I'd be too tempted to check out my blog after reading just that quote either (since I still sound like a giant douche), I at least wouldn't roll my eyes at myself. Well, I might still roll my eyes, but I wouldn't feel as tempted to kick myself in the teeth. Wait, no, I would. OK, so maybe that quote was a bad example...

But what about this one? This is a quote bestowed unto me directly from the blog heavens:

"[A]n improved DC metro would hopefully entice more suburban jagbags to ride into the city on the train, which would hopefully leave the roads freer for me to ride my bike on without worrying about getting hit by a speeding vehicle."

Hmm...I guess by "blog heavens," I meant some magical place that was neither a state nor a commonwealth, but was still being taxed without being properly represented in the blog heavens' legislative body. Crap. That also does nothing for my not-being-a-wonky-dipsh*t cred.

All right, here's a good one:

"As Project Runway Season 3 contestant Santino Rice once lamented, 'You can't shine a turd.' And this $700 billion bailout is the most expensive turd polish America's ever seen."

Oh yes! That is good! It has the word "turd" in it! Instant laughs, right? Right! The usage of the word "turd" would entice me to check out any blog. Well, maybe not any blog, as I'm sure there are probably several (thousand) blogs that probably talk a little too literally about said excremental subject, but that's neither here nor there. Good gods that's definitely not here. At least not yet, but with a post as sh*tty (not literally, I assure you) as the one you're currently reading, I'm sure it's only a matter of time before I do go there...

But speaking of (still metaphorical) poo, I'm a bit disappointed that Express chose such a (proverbially) scatological post of mine to give press to. While my attention whorishness and complete obscurity allows me to operate under the "all press is good press" rule, I really wish Express would notice my less (definitely still totally rhetorical) fecal-sprinkled work. Then again, we are in DC, so bitches are interested in that kind of wonky (not actual, for serious) sh*t, so in an abstract way, this choice really says more about Express than me.

Yeah, that's it. I'm not the douche here -- Express is for choosing to highlight a seemingly Grade A jagbag who wrote about politics in a blog. Wait. What? That logic didn't work out as I planned it. I'm confused now.

Or maybe they chose it just so they could publish a picture of some retarded tourists (see right).

Ah, f*ck it. Thanks for quoting me Express, even if it was my bottom-of-the-barrel material. Well, mid-barrel material. This existential nonsense is clearly the bottom.

But I can only go up from here, right? RIGHT!? RIGHT.

Coming up this week:
  • Why shopping in DC sucks for men!
  • I bought new glasses!
  • An unsolicited opinion on Open City, Tryst and The Diner!
  • Some other sh*t glorious topics yet to be determined that hopefully don't reveal my secret (er, not-so-secret) spiral into insanity!
  • And most importantly, topics that hide my apparent toolish tendencies...hopefully.


Boomhauer said...

Why the Post doesn't turn its Sauron-like gaze upon important topics of the day, like butt paste, I just don't know. They must be in the tank for the orifice-paste industry.

kid said...

Scatalogical or astrological? For my money, the only thing wrong with your writing is your reluctance to say shit. I mean, *n sp*te of the stars, you're st*ll say*ng *t, r*ght? Who dem as'trisks meant to protect anyway? Just my counterfeit plastic 2 cents.

Marissa said...


I had to Google Sauron, but now that I know what you mean -- well played.

Seriously, that post about Butt Paste was a classic. I can picture it now:

"I want to go to a bar armed with Butt Paste and give it to boys and note their reactions. Would the majority burst into tears? Punch me in the face? Put me on a terrorist watch list?" wonders if the gift of Butt Paste would win hearts and minds in DC.

I'd totally read that blog.


Definitely scatological. And if a couple of asterisks are the only problem you find in my e-scribblings, then that I can live with. I insert the star in the words not safe for television because it adds an extra layer of consequence, like, it's beyond shit, it's unmentionable sh*t.

maryjanejeff said...

Why does DC shopping suck for us men? Filenes Basement here is expensive, it's not the FB I used to know in New England where you could get tons of good stuff for cheap. The one near Farragut North Metro is one of the regular price department stores. I think that's why shopping sucks.

maryjanejeff said...

I forgot something, I have two blogs and have never made it into Express' Blog Roll. In a twisted way, I kind of want to get my blog in there. Should I start being a wise ass or start continually bitching about one subject non stop?

Elle Gee said...

Oh stop it, you know you're delighted by the coverage (ok, I'd be, so maybe I'm envious). Plus, the name of your blog I think does well enough to convey your overflowing snark and maybe even entice a couple nonjagbags to check you out.

However, I agree with boom in that Wash Post and its subsidiaries are CLEARLY turning their heads away from important news stories. Say, does anyone know anything about the shooting in the middle Adams Morgan Saturday at 1 a.m.? There's no coverage... anywhere. [real reason for my commentary here]

Elle Gee said...

PS... Express obvi has got its beady little eyes on you; didn't they quote you before? On something less douchey?

(I met an Express editor once, and he had majorly beady eyes, so that's what I think of for the people who work there.)

Marissa said...


Having a theme will probably help, especially if it's political it seems. Or not. I honestly have no idea how it works or who's in charge. It all seems very random to me.

elle gee--

Of course I'm delighted, although I don't think getting quoted in the Express does anything for increasing readership, at least by any substantial amount, which makes sense if you think about it. I mean, people read the Express on the Metro and then discard it before even exiting the station. By the time they get to the office, who'd remember? Unless of course, they covered something as curious as, say, a Butt Paste-oriented post. You'd remember that.

Yeah, re: the shooting. I only heard about it via DCBlogs this morning and some stuff they linked to. I forwarded it to my friend, who then told me, "Yeah, I was on my patio and thought I heard gunfire." Shoot-outs are becoming pretty standard Adams Morgan fare these days, it seems. In other news, my Wachovia branch got robbed on Friday morning! Armed robbery in broad daylight! Gutsy!

Stevious said...

You've sold out now. I liked it when you weren't all over all these newspapers I've never heard of.

I do like the asterisks though. It's like when they beep out all the rudies on an eminem song on the radio - it makes him sound even more sweary.

Matt said...


I don't think you sound like 'tool'... I think you sound like 'loot'. (See how amazing it can be if you just look at things through a backwards lens?)
But, and it sickens me a bit to reference that one 'money, baby' Vince Vaughen flick, yu ARE Money, yo.
You and your cuffed pants. You and your gramma shoes. You and all's then crepuscular ways you deal yourself out from that crap-factory city you breath in...

Heavy-duty respect-icles e-typing outta MN... (Though, I have NO idea how you can think Coleman is a good guy... Unless you are just hung up on his hunky good, East-Coast looks...) Because the dude has NOTHING, nada, zilch, in his plans positive for regular MN folk... But perhaps that a comment for another post...

But, anyhum, Marlina~
I guess I can't think of anything else to tip-tap about ( I'm not some culture-whore, like most of your critics, so... I'll try work up some vitrol next time, I guess. Though I've no reason to need that here.)

<<---Jesus hell!... did all them malt liquor cans get emptied tonight? Oh, worries...

Erm... pre- and preventative apologies... And 'furthermore... etc., et., etc."

Marissa said...


I know...I can barely go out in public anymore without being not recognized. It's tough.