shambles p.i.: the federal gov't edition

It's so silly that we here in Washington, DC, don't have voting rights and not just because, at this point, it's become unconstitutional. No, it's because the f*cking Capitol and all the Congressional buildings are on our turf. It's like having an awesome moonbounce on your property but only allowing guests to use it. The occupants of the place just have to sit there and watch. Oh, and pay for it, too. We deserve to use our f*cking moonbounce, dammit! We also deserve to wear a goddamn pair of shorts if the heat index calls for dying if you don't. However, some of us here in the District can't even control that thanks to the feds, at least according to this Washington Post article, which says when it comes to National Park rangers, federal code for DC dictates that they must where wool PANTS regardless of what time of year it is: "Individual park superintendents decide whether rangers wear long wool pants or shorts, depending on geography, the time of year and the location. In the District, park rangers on the Mall must wear long wool pants at all times, regardless of the climate." Of course, thanks to the Washington Post's shoddy reporting, we never find out who exactly the park superintendent is who made this decision, but I'm sure he probably lives in Virginia and is also against us getting in the moonbounce. The Post does, however, provide a quote from the National Park Service press person, David Barna, who basically sums up all the reasons I hate DC in one tiny sentence: "This is the nation’s capital, it's a solemn place. We like to convey that very professional look here in the District of Columbia." Even if that so-called "professional look" results in an increased chance of heatstroke and death. Wow. Solemn to the max! But seriously, has Mr. Barna ever even been to DC in the summer? Commuting in from your air-conditioned condo in McLean in your air-conditioned Range Rover into an air-conditioned parking lot to your air-conditioned office doesn't count. But I don't know. Maybe it's not like that. Unlike Jared Cohen and Alec Ross, I couldn't find Barna's Facebook page. For all I know, he does live in DC, runs to work each day and gets his jollies from letting his junk sweat in his wool pants at the FDR memorial. Yeah. I'm sure it's the latter. But really, this moronic misconception in DC that says one must look like a sweaty dork to look professional is what makes this city so easy to unleash Shambles P.I. in. Unless we're talking about Daisy Duke jorts, shorts not only can look just as professional as pants, but in DC when 98 is considered a cool summer day, shorts make you look, well, not dumb.

Law Enforcement Cheetah = So Necessary

Of course, I joke. Not because I don't think Lt. Dangle looks professional, but because I just don't think short-shorts are flattering on the average American now that footlong cheeseburgers can be bought and sold in the open... The point is, I understand the benefits of having a dress code for any sort of law enforcement figure. It makes them easy to spot, it gives them an air of authority and, yes, it looks professional. What I don't understand, though, is this outdated notion the DC superintendent seems to have that says to look respectable you have to be uncomfortable.

Whomp, whomp...

In closing, I'd like to recite a poem using the eloquent lyrics of Lil' John, ahem:

3,6,9 damn she fine Hopin' she can sock it to me one mo' time Get low, Get low Get low, Get low To the window, to the wall To the sweat drop down my balls My balls.