the douchebags of our lives

Washington, DC, is known for many things, not least of which is its extremely high douchebag population. Yay!

Per capita, I'm pretty sure there are more douchebags in the District than there are in the entire state of California. And New York. Combined. Hell, I bet there are more douches in DC than there are probably in the entire continental United States. Wait, no, f*ck it. I'll even throw in Hawaii, Alaska, Puerto Rico, Guam and, let's just do it -- Canada. That says something.

And like anyone else who finds themselves either living in or visiting this douchebag-infested Capital of the Free World, chances are you either 1) are a douchebag yourself (in which case, get the hell outta here!), or 2) you've had at least one...hundred run-ins with said douchebags. I, for instance, run into douchebags so often that it's hardly a big deal anymore, and certainly not always blogworthy. (Although once in a while it still is.)

But if this high concentration of DC-area douchebags barely registers anymore on The Anti DC "Let Me Be A Smug Jackass and Mock You" scale, these douches certainly don't register on The Anti DC "Fine, I'll Let You Buy Me Dinner and, OK, Other Gifts, Too" scale, which is a damn shame because apparently 48.5 percent of DC's douchebags are single, according to CNN Money:

Our nation's capital is packed with singles, from business-minded urban professionals douchebags, government employees douchebags and future politicians douchebags to students douchebags at area universities including Georgetown, American University, Howard and George Washington University. And Washington, D.C., is known for bringing together young people douchebags eager for opportunity -- at work as well as within its vibrant social douchebag scene which includes numerous clubs, restaurants, bars, and other entertainment douchebag venues.

Yes, I took the liberty to edit that slightly, as I think CNN Money's research team failed to reach to the heart of the matter. Anyway, before we all I burst into tears, put Elliott Smith on loop and cry by myself in a cold bathroom stall while I continue to age, let's take a look at the other cities on the Top 10 list that might help put our my sh*t back into perspective.

• 1. Hoboken, NJ -- 57.7 percent single, but 100 percent in Hoboken, NJ.

• 2. Cambridge, Mass. -- 52.4 percent single, but, as someone who used to live there, let me tell you it is not unknown to see a microeconomics book on a bar counter. Now, had it been macro...I could work with that. (Eh, not really. I'm dumb.)

• 3. Somerville, Mass. -- 51.4 percent. I've been to some fun parties in Somerville, so miraculously I don't have much ridiculous sh*t to say about this one. RAZZY'S!

• 4. Berkeley, Calif. -- 51.2 percent single...hippies.

• 5. Boston, Mass. -- 50.3 percent single. Um, OK. We got it. Boston has a lot of college students. Great.

• 6. Burlington, Vt. -- 50 percent single, but, um, it's cold there!

• 8. Boulder, Colo. -- 48.2 percent single, but, um, it's cold there! (Yeah, I got nothin'.)

• 9. North Druid Hills, Ga. -- 47.6 percent single, but, um, it's hot there! (Yeah, I still got nothin'.)

• 10. Hermosa Beach, Calif. -- 47.2 percent single, but listen to this and I dare you to tell me you don't find it completely unappealing: "Hard bodies head to Hermosa Beach, known by some as the beach volleyball capital of the world. Free summer sunset concerts, the Annual Aloha Days Surf Festival and shops and boutiques are all within walking distance from its sandy shore." Gross. A bunch of good-looking, fit people enjoying the beach, the nice weather and various free concerts and festivals?! Heinous, I say! The horror is simply unimaginable! *UPDATE! THIS JUST IN! The best pick up line ever in Hermosa Beach?*

Until the next douching hour,

♥T.A.D.C.