shambles p.i. -- the two-for-one edition

I debated what to entitle this edition of Shambles P.I. for a long time this morning. During this roughly five seconds of strenuous thought, I wondered whether instead of "The Two-for-One Edition" I should have opted for "The Deuce Edition" because of the double entendre involved. I mean, not only did one intrepid local spy, Adam, capture a duo -- or deuce, if you will (and you will!) -- of dishabille delinquents standing together in one fugly metro car last week, but never in my life have I wanted so badly a dog to magically appear and just drop a deuce on someone's foot to force them to swap footwear. I mean, honestly, what the mother-effing eff is going on here?

Only a steaming pile of dog doo-doo could right this wrong.

Listen, I'm the type that usually errs on the side of reason and logic, which is why the sh*t that you see above confounds me. There is no rhyme or reason here. There is no argument to be made. Nothing is logical about this shoe! Even Adam, who saw this in person and miraculously still has his eyesight, couldn't explain. He wrote, "What the f*ck is this? A sandal? A Croc? A rubberized toe-protected flip-flop? And then to wear it with khakis? Just perfect." Truth. It is a near-perfect storm of what-the-f*ckness.

And because this is a two-for-one special Shambles P.I., Adam snapped a photo of this "shoe's" "fashionably autistic" friend standing nearby. She was wearing...well, I'll let Adam explain:

"You know what? Go ahead and wear a giant white leather belt with crazy silver (Navajo? S&M-inspired?) buttons all over it. And why not get crazy and pair it with your favorite blue tablecloth top. Why the f*ck not? At least it’s not boring and plain. Oh, but wait. What’s that attached to your giant studded belt? No it couldn’t possibly be a F*CKING BLACKBERRY HOLDER!!! Oh God, why?"

Mein eyes! They're self-immolating! O, the humanity!

Indeed, I plead not just with God, but with Allah, Buddha, Zeus, Thor, Putin, whomever! Why?! WHY?! That sh*t just ain't right...

I mean, the gingham is excusable. If done right, gingham can look damn fine. But listen, gingham's loud; it's in your face. In other words, if you're going to accessorize, then do it with caution, keeping in mind that a bedazzled, pleather (I'm guessing) belt is not the way to go. But, hey, let's say you completely lose your mind and you do go there, then for the love of homo sapiens everywhere, do not bring more shame upon yourself by accessorizing your accessory with a goddamn BlackBerry holster. For real. Please, spare us from your bad decisions.

Contrary to popular opinion, though, just because you live in DC, doesn't mean you have to look like it. She proves it. She proves it. Some people who don't blog prove it. And, I'll be damned if I'm not trying my hardest to prove it, too. In other words, if I ever dare to wear my BlackBerry on my person, I fully expect someone to take that BlackBerry so prominently displayed on my hip and pistol-whip me with it. Multiple times. Because, clearly, what better way to help someone who's lost her mind than to violently smack some sense into her with her own, visible douchey technology? (That's rhetorical.)