@#&*ǽ!β#ж?ڟ8ڣ∆%$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

While watching hours and hours of the Olympic games in the office, my eyes were assaulted with a certain television advertisement from a company that shall remain nameless.



May I just say, @#&*ǽ!β#ж?ڟ8ڣ∆%$≠*^⅝™∞~{^")%#*@(!%&*#@~!:S£#®@=#©¦&~p@#^")%#*@(!%ϧă!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not sure how to pronouce that expletive, but you can bet it's worse than the standard, "What the f*ckety flippin' mothereffing f*ck is with that advertisement?! I mean, the forced dialogue, the Crocs emphasizing videography, and did this poor child call that sh*t she packs into her footwear jibbits?! (OMG. She did. And, apparently, it's spelled "Jibbitz." The apocolypse is nigh.) That's not a f*cking word.

But if that's not bad enough, let me reiterate the script:

"And the colors feel like magic so people can see you even if you go to outerspace and float around." Um...

"They don't smell and get lots of germs." Um...

"If you don't buy Crocs, I will turn you into a spider." Um...

IS THAT A THREAT?! This is out of control.

Seriously, besides the egregious "footwear" being peddled by a child, it ends this with a threat of forced metamorphosis? Some robot-princess "kid" is going to come turn me into a spider? Honestly, if it's a choice between becoming an arachnid or actually wearing Crocs, I think we know what anyone in his or her right mind would choose. Let me tell you, the the term "World Wide Web" would gain a whole new meaning.

But putting aside all the disturbing qualities of this advertisement with its unveiled threats of reverse hemimetaboly on humans capable of making proper footwear choices, I want to draw attention to the company's catch phrase: "What a Croc!" Honestly, I couldn't have summarized that commercial better myself, save for adding the suffix "of sh*t" at the end.

And speaking of sh*t, while doing the requisite Google search to find the above-posted ad, I found a couple of others, including:

The "Don King, Is This What Your Career Has Degenerated Into?" Edition:


The "We're So Clever We're Going to Use the Cliche of Reverse Psychology But, Really, All These Adds Do Is Prove That Crocs Are, Indeed, F*cking Gnarly" Series:

I'm guessing her favorite jeans look like these.


Yet the company still provides no answer to this man's sensible inquiry...

And the, "I've Given Up on Life, So You Should, Too" Edition:

Yep, he still look like a tool.

The lines have been drawn. It's on, you jibbitz-wearing assholes. It. Is. On.