a speedo-y segue

What better way to segue back into NYC Week than by taking a virtual trip to Brooklyn's Brighton Beach. Well, you get to take a virtual trip. I had to take the actual trip...which I'd do again in a hot second! I love Brighton Beach, New York City's answer to some sh*tty street in Russia. It's got several stores selling bootleg CD's and DVDs, all kinds of Russian herbal medicines, a whole slew of Russian grocers selling delicious, delicious pastries and Borjomi -- the best soda water on the planet. [Sidebar: Russia's tanks better not f*ck up those springs...]. Oh, and dollar stores selling hats embroidered with bald eagles wrapped in Old Glories, an image that holds a special place in my tin heart. [Sidebar: And who says U.S.-Russian relations are frigid?! My new hat begs to differ!]

But the crown jewel of Brighton Beach is, well, the beach! It's dirty; it's scummy; it's easy to cut your foot on the broken chunks of beer bottle that are sprinkled ever-so-carelessly atop the cigarette butts sand; but mostly, it's the plethora of old men in Speedos that makes Brighton Beach shine. Check it! (Um, NSFW?)

Banana hammock! Or, po-russki, gamok banany!

You can't see, but the word "fun" is printed all over that suit. Not joking!

But let's say elder dudes in Speedos aren't your thing (by the way, who are you?!), there are still plenty of fascinating sites in good ol' Brighton Beach soak in, just like a wet diaper (which would will probably see washed up on the shore). The highlights:

RASCAL SCOOTERS!

WAYWARD BEACH UMBRELLAS!



AND COUPLES HAVING SEX IN BROAD DAYLIGHT NEXT TO YOU!

[REDACTED.]

So, there you have it. Those are the most fantastic, enticing things I can picture and/or describe to suggest you take a little trip to NYC's Russian enclave. As the ancient aphorism goes, come for the old men in Speedos, stay for the...um...old men in Speedos. Words to live by.

By the way, pictured above is Russian President Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, Michael Phelps, Ricky Martin, Will Ferrell and M.C. Hammer (in his "Pumps in a Bump" phase a.k.a. his best phase ever).