Monday, August 4, 2008

sorry, i didn't mean to call you and leave a 15-minute message about that sh*tty movie with morgan freeman and angelina jolie

I am queen of the accidental dial. No, not the drunk dial -- I suck at that. I'm talking about the 100 percent, stone-cold sober, Sunday afternoon, waiting-to-see-The Dark Knight (which effing rules, by the way) dial.

What happens is you shove your phone haphazardly in your bag, forgetting to lock the keypad and, at some point, hit some sort of magic dialing key that leads to you leaving inadvertently long voicemail messages.

Now, most of the time, the voicemails will simply consist of the muffled sounds of your plastic street knife bumping against your plastic street dice in your bag for 15 minutes, but on rare occasions, you'll leave a clear, crisp message on such riveting topics as the new MGM Grand at Foxwoods and/or a complete recap of what sounds like the sh*ttiest movie of all time, Wanted, starring Morgan Freeman and Angelina Jolie. (Seriously, a magic weaving loom produces your hit list? Come on! If you're going to have an ancient machine produce a hit list, at least make sure it's something cool like Heron's "inexhaustible goblet," which strangely enough does not have a Wikipedia page.)

Pre-modern toilets aside, however, it's the aftermath of the accidental dial that can be worrisome. In a best case scenario, you will never know. Someone will start listening to the voicemail, hear the stormy, muffled sounds of the inside of your bag and simply assume you didn't mean to call. In a worst case scenario, you will accidentally rekindle something that should be more dead to you than Wikipedia is to me right now. (Seriously, how in hell does the inexhaustible goblet not have its own goddamn Wikipedia page?!). However, in an amusing case scenario, you will likely learn of your unintentional, oft-retarded phone faux pas as I did this morning, via electronic mail:
"So I come into work today, and I have a voicemail from you. In this voicemail, it starts off talking about Foxwoods/the new MGM Grand. Then this guy starts going off on Morgan Freeman and an elite group of magical assassins. I assume this is some movie, and not The Bucket List."
Luckily, that E-mail didn't come from a government public affairs person or my boss (although, on second thought, that would have been kind of awesome), but instead from one Socrates Johnson of the renowned India Poop Blog. Now, I hope Mr. Johnson reads this because, indeed, the discussion was not about The Bucket List, although perhaps it should've been. (That plot looks much, much better. Although can it get worse than a rogue magic loom? I'm telling you, a rogue inexhaustible goblet would've catapulted that film to the next level.) I'd also like to take the time out to say you're welcome, Mr. Johnson. (The subject of Mr. Johnson's E-mail was, after all, "Best Accidental Dial Ever.")

But, you know, while some of you may fault me for apparently not putting my phone's keypad on lockdown, I fault my technology, and Washington, DC, in particular, for issuing me said technology. The device at fault: my douchey old BlackBerry, of course.

Seriously, I'm tempted to erase every number out of my BlackBerry's memory. This isn't the first time this phone has accidentally dialed. Nope, this stupid phone has accidentally dialed coworkers, strangers and, best of all, dudes whose numbers I should've erased months ago. Awkward! Fun!

In fact, this evil slice of technology has come close to ruining my life on several occasions. Besides the accidental dialings, its failed GPS has gotten me lost in the Soviet-seeming architecture of L'Enfant Plaza; its unfailing connection to my work E-mail has f*cked up a leisurely night or two; and its overall aesthetic just generally makes me look like a giant douche.

Yet despite its plethora of faults, I continue to have this piece of sh*t on my person pretty much at all times. It's not because I'm trying to be a douchebag (does one really need to try in DC?), but it's because my other phone -- my real phone with the sweet retractable antenna (not joking) -- has this lovely habit of shutting itself off and not turning back on at some very inopportune moments. In the words of 50 Cent: Ayo, I'm tired of using technology/ Why don't you sit down on top of me? Wait, uh, scratch that last line.

But speaking of sitting! You know where you can sit? (Man, this is an excellent segue...) In one of the plush seats of the Cleveland Park's Uptown movie theater! Those seats are comfy! In fact, I think I'm going to only see movies at the Uptown from now on. If you haven't been there, you should give it a whirl. It's one of those old-school bi-level theaters with a humongous screen, a nice soundsystem and excellent temperature control. The only aspect of the theater that put a damper on the experience was the other clientele, and one in particular, who sat directly in front of us. Suffice it to say, every time he got up to let someone by, we were confronted with some serious old man ham (read: butt crack) in our faces. Picture that!

(Good morning!)


I-66 said...

Yeah I recently accidentally left a 3 minute message on one of my teammates voicemails. My keylock goes on automatically, but you have to wait a moment before it does. Consequently I often put my phone back in my pocket after hanging it up without the lock going on, and that's when the fun starts.

Zipcode said...

I torture people when I drink with text messages....

My nextel accidently hits people up frequently, kind of funny - one time someone got a flushing toilet in their ear.

Almost have your hat by the way ;-)

Cyndy said...

I'm constantly taking phone pictures of the inside of my pocket.

I saw Dark Knight yesterday too. I wish I'd thought to see it at the Uptown. But it was also excellent out in Silver Spring.

Anonymous said...

Many years ago my phone accidentally dailed a woman with whom I had a first date on Saturday night while I was on a first date with a different woman on Friday night. It had slipped from my pocket into the spot between the gear shift and my car seat. She heard about ten minutes of first date conversation on her home voice mail - remember those. It was not my best moment.

On another note, agreed - the Uptown is the only way to watch epic movies in DC.

Victor9000 said...

I used to have a phone that activated Voice Calling by the depression of a button on its side. So it would be triggered in my pocket by such commands as sitting down or turning slightly left. It was hypersensitive to "a" sounds, so the Matts and Hannahs of my life were frequently, nonconsensually updated. My favorite part of this feature was that there was no way to disable it, though I took it to about six different stores.
Your pain is felt.

Victor9000 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Victor9000 said...

Oh and [snob disclaimer] I did see The Dark Knight at both the Uptown and the IMAX theater at Dulles, and um, you should see it in IMAX.
About 15% of the movie is full on IMAXy, and while the obvious action sequences make the cut, I was thrilled that they filmed the Joker-leaning-out-the-cop-car scene in large format. I could have watched that for seven minutes.

Marissa said...


"...and when the fun starts."

Fun is relative, isn't it? Although, whose back pocket isn't full of lulz?


Wait, what hat? I have a hat? Forgive my mild retardation, but I have no idea what you're talking about...


Oh! The pics are the worst because it wastes battery life. Although, once in a while you'll get an artsy shot.


Wait, not your best moment? That sounds like a moment of all moments!


What the hell kind of g.d. phone was that? Sometimes I miss the days of simple technology, like rotary phones. Or smoke signals.

And, you know, I've had plans to see The Dark Knight in the IMAX, but getting out to Dulles sucks. There must be an IMAX in the city. Now I must turn to the Google machine.

But before I do that, I must agree with you re: Heath Ledger's performance. It was honestly nothing short of brilliant.

Zipcode said...

your capitol police hat

Marissa said...

Oh man! If only I had a Capitol police hat. The good I could do with that is immeasurable. You are a lucky woman.