Tuesday, March 18, 2008

they're just pants, why not give 'em a chance?!

Once upon a time there was a girl. She wore pants. But not just any pants. These were magical, mirthful pants made of the exotic matierals of, um, cotton (oooh!) and spandex (ahhh!).


And when she wore them, they caused quite the stir amongst the townsfolk. The masses couldn't wrap their minds around how such lovely pants came to be! Most just watched in awe (or horror). Others decided to inquire about them with the pants' owner ("Are those leggings? What are those?!"). And some even tried to become one with the pants to understand them better.

"Um, can I help you?" asked the owner of the pants.

"Oh. Sorry, I didn't meant to grab your ankle. I was just trying to touch
your pants," said the woman to her right.


"I just wanted to touch your pants."

Creepy? Yes. Understandable? Also yes. I mean, they are pretty sharp pants, after all. However, unlike the above-quoted creeper, not everyone appreciated this girl's lower half. In fact, some attempted to sass her and her lovely pants.

"Excuse me, I didn't mean to trip over you or your New York-style pants," snapped the boy in the Bad Brains T-shirt.

"Actually, I bought these in DC, believe it or not," said the girl.

"Yeah, but they're fancy New York-style pants. Not the kind of
pants we see around here."

"Well, son, consider this a gift then."

But he didn't. He continued to go about his business in his dull-colored, baggy-ankled, droopy khakis. So did the rest of the crowd. And then the girl left the frat party...in Virginia. The End.


This story was based on true events. During the course of one night at a house-party featuring the sophisticated activities of Beer Pong, Quarters and something called "Spin the Fan," my pants got singled out for comment three times, felt-up once and outright sassed once. To make the story even more absurd, I will reveal that the pants in question (pictured above) were nothing but totally un-exotic. I purchased them at Urban Outfitters in Georgetown not more than three weeks ago. (Can you even get more un-"New York" than that?) Oh Virginia, open your minds to my pants! What did my pants ever do to you? I mean, besides being so deadly awesome that they quite possible gave you an arrythmia. But other than that, what? WHAT?!


HomeImprovementNinja said...

what the hell were you doing at a frat party? Did you take a shower afterwards to wash the douchebagginess offa' you?

Marissa said...


It wasn't a *real* frat party. I'm way too old for that. But there were a lot of former frat boys and girls there as well as the beer pong, as I mentioned. I was invited by a coworker.

I did in fact shower afterwards, but not to cleanse myself of douchebaginess (come on, we're in DC -- that'd be like washing a pig in a mudpit). I bathed instead to cleanse myself of the green beer that was spilled on me. Yeah. There was green beer there. Green Miller Lite. Christ, why was I there?!

ListenToLeon said...

I tried my best to avoid green beverages last night, but inevitably, some got consumed...and inevitably, I ended up late for work, hung over like a sonofabitch!

Sorry they gave your pants such a hard time. I have come to realize that in DC, anytime you wear a color that isn't dark or muted, people comment on it.

Shannon said...

I don't think I could wear electric blue skinny jeans. I'd look like a corpse. Or a midget. Or a midget corpse.

So, hats off to you, Marissa, for being able to pull off the impossible.

Marissa said...


Or sass you for it! I can't wait to wear the bright yellow pants I plan on buying for the spring. I hope they make the news.


Midget corpses wear electric blue pants? Get out! I suggest you jump on the bright pants bandwagon before more crazy ideas get stuck in your head!

Capitol Hill 20210 said...

The Anti-DC and the Traveling Pants coming to a theater near you.......

When I started reading this I thought of the sisterhood of the traveling pants.........lol sorry home sick today and a bit out of it.

Anonymous said...

I've been called out for wearing skinny (blue) jeans before in places (ok, ugh ... mad hatter) where every other lady was workin' her gap bootcuts. But I got compliments. Still, the fact that skinny jeans were in any way noteworthy just confirms the sorry state of fashion in the District.

Peter said...

what is truly depressing is that I went to an urban outfitters IN NEW YORK and I couldn't find anything that cool. i should take you with me every time I shop. please move to ukraine now.

ListenToLeon said...

I wore this bright green Calron Banks t-shirt the other day, and people either LOVED it, or stared at me like I was crazy. You can see it on my myspace page:


N said...

Nice Pants. Thanks to my Manhattan-residing sister, I was wearing skinny jeans before the trend caught on in DC, or one year after the trend started in NYC. Therefore, I rule.

Marissa said...

OH MY GOD, that Carlton Banks shirt is TIGHT! I need one of those. Like, really need.

And to Peter: I will charge a 1 million hrivna fee for my personal shopping skillz.

Peter said...

Can we wait until the khokhol economy collapses and 1 mill UAH is like... 15 cents? This should be pretty soon.

Righteous (re)Style said...

Ha. I was just in NYC visiting a friend that I haven't seen since High School. I was telling her about what it was like living in DC. That, for example, wearing skinny jeans is really THE edge of cool in DC (and VA, of course). Which is so, um, ridiculous.

Marissa said...

A friend of mine once had someone approach her and call her avant garde for having tucked her pants into her boots. DC is definitely ridiculous.