Wednesday, March 26, 2008

spring is here! dc sheds its pants! ew.

Ah yes, spring is in the air! The cherry blossoms will soon bloom (so says everyone's favorite semi-literate weatherman Topper Shutt) and I can finally drop trou and start wearing my sweet, spandex, mid-calf leggings! Yay! Oh wait, I know how to dress myself, so I take that back...

Yes, e-friends, while the dawning of warmer weather may seem like a blessing, it actually is just the beginning of a new season of dishabille DC fashion. That is, along with the 60-plus-degree days, leggings will soon begin to fill DC's streets. It'll be like 1,000 Lindsay Lohans prancing around except in place or her sharp accessorizing will be the additions of Hoya sweatshirts and Uggs.

I can see your cellulite and that is not tight. (Literally! LOL!)

Why?! Why don't people realize that leggings are unflattering on 99 percent of the population?! Even pictured above on Ms. Lohan, who is pretty fit, the leggings make her look a little chubby. They're also slightly see-through, making it look like the bitch just forgot to put the lower half of her ensemble on.

But at least Drinky McNicotinePatch opts for full-length leggings, which (in certain situations on the right person model) can look very chic (see designers Rag & Bone, Alexander McQueen and Amanda Wakeley). Ankle-length leggings aside, the real problem here is the prevelance of capri-length leggings:


Barf. I should not be posting this just after lunch...

Honestly, it doesn't get much worse than what I so graciously posted above for you. And I wouldn't be shocked to see an ugly-patterned, probably baby-doll top, a pair of lace-embellished short leggings and some hideous platform strappy silver sandals on the streets of DC. This city cannot dress itself. I don't care what anybody tries to say otherwise. I believe what I see and what I see is unnecessarily ugly people.

So, please, for the love of all things full-length, please, please do not step out of your apartment in leggings, unless, of course, you're an ectomorphic underweight model, then not only can you get away with wearing the simulacrum of pants, but hell, you could probably get away with wearing no pants at all. But for the other 99 percent of the population, I don't care if you're just "on your way to the gym," "going to the grocery store," or "off to play a quick game of street dice," DO NOT REPLACE YOUR PANTS WITH LEGGINGS. THEY ARE NOT THE SAME!

Sure, go ahead and replace your tights with leggings in the warmer months. Fine. I'll give you that. But for all other purposes, just, um, KEEP YOUR PANTS ON. Thx :)

PS -- Someone at The Express loves me. I'm in their Blog Log again!

15 comments:

I-66 said...

So Lohan's stool is not loose in this case, but just her legs? I don't get it.

Marissa said...

Oh, you got it!

Capitol Hill 20210 said...

Congrats on getting in the Express once again.......its because your blog is fun to read!

N said...

Don't forget the flip flops. Flips flops are a sure harbinger of Spring around here. I had my first sighting this morning, god help me.

the law said...

but what if they are seer sucker leggings?

SickGirl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
SickGirl said...

and here i thought i was one of the few who felt that people who think dc is fashionable were certifiably insane. thank you for showing me that i am not alone. simply layering billowy garments with keffiyehs does not qualify as anything close to fashion forward. thank you for saying what we all really feel.

Marissa said...

caphill--

Thanks!

n--

Duly noted.

the law--

You and I need to go into business together. I sense a cash cow!

sickgirl--

Don't ever doubt your instincts. Although I must say I'd take seeing a lot more keffiyehs if it meant less college sweatshirts. What is this? Boston?! (j/k, Boston has redeemed itself.)

Shannon said...

How could you? I proudly put on my very favorite 1991 lace-trimmed leggings and platform sandals, and you post it on the Internet.

Marissa said...

Sorry Shannon. Blog friends don't let blog friends dress retardulously.

Also, to all: I just discovered an egregious spelling error in my post (yes, sometimes I reread my own posts...megalomania!). I corrected it for those of you who might have noticed (although no one said anything). Question: Is having an obviously misspelled word or a typo in a blog entry and not saying something similar to having food stuck in your teeth?

I-66 said...

You know, I didn't realize the dual meaning to me saying that Lohan's legs were loose. In retrospect, I am more awesome than I once believed.

And no, it is not like having food stuck in your teeth because that always gets noticed, but spelling errors don't always because some people can't spell (ahem). It's more like having your zipper down, I think.

Shannon said...

I really did own that outfit. But it was 1990 at the time, I was 14, and it was the ugliest year of my fugly adolescence. I topped off the look with a SPIRAL PERM.

Marissa said...

i-66--

It's a true sign of genius when you inadvertently make double entendres. Kudos!

shannon--

I would've been so jealous of you in 1990. I begged my mom to let me wear leggings, but she told me they were too slutty for 5th grade. I also begged her for a spiral perm, but she warned that it would ruin my hair. Damn my mom for being correct! Or wait, I love my mom for being correct...

Missy said...

I'm with you on leggings, Marissa, but I was in NYC a couple of weeks ago and we hardly offend compared to them. See also: when I was in LA in February.

Marissa said...

missy--

LA is notorious, I'll give you that. But NYC? I feel like unless you're dealing with NYU undergrads, the kids there keep their leggings mainly as a tights replacement rather than a pants replacement. But then again, I haven't been there since November so, I'm not totally keen to what's happening up in those glorious environs.