Tuesday, March 18, 2008

oh...my...god...not the deadly knitting grannies!

Thank goodness for the Department of Homeland Security! I mean, these clowns save us on planes every day by making us take off our shoes and only carry four ounces or less of shampoo and conditioner. They save us by building crappy expensive fences to keep out those wily Mexicans who keep stealing our jobs that we refuse to take! And, of course, I'd be remiss not to point out how they're saving us from ourselves each and every day by pushing through with the shambles that is the REAL ID program, a project that pretty much does nothing but raise our taxes, oh, and sets up the perfect storm for mass identity theft. (But who needs tax money to fund such piddly things such as our international intelligence services that may actually *help* defend against "the terrorists." Oh wait, to do that they'd have to actually gather correct information. Eh.)

And today, my e-friends, Big Brother the government has taken yet another glorious step to save us from the biggest threat of all. Al-Queda? No. North Korea? Not it. Iranian nuclear ambitions? Of course not. No, my fellow comrades citizens, they're saving us from the "Granny Peace Brigade Knit-in!"

According to a DHS press release circulated today, these so-called "Grannies" (read: Terrorists) are planning a (*gasp*) sit-in tomorrow at noon outside the Veterans Affairs office at 810 Vermont Ave., NW. And although 80-year-old ladies armed with yarn and a couple of knitting needles certainly leads me to assume a bit of Clockwork Orange-style ultra violence will ensue, DHS wants you all to breath slightly easier: "Violence is not likely and there should be minimal disruptions to routine activities." Violence is not likely my ass!

Interestingly, of the other nine terrorist organizations protest groups slated to do their thing tomorrow, which happens to be the 5-Year Anniversary of the start of the Iraq War [*cue streamers and balloons!*], DHS attached the word "violence" to only one other group -- "Disrupt the War Profiteers," a student group that rallies against large corporations like ExxonMobil, Halliburton, and Lockheed Martin.

My money's on the Grannies for throwing the first punch. Take 'em down! And, if it's not too much trouble, I could use another pair of fingerless gloves. Thx!

11 comments:

Capitol Hill 20210 said...

Hilarious - why aren't you writing for the Post?

I will keep a look out for those dangerous grannies.

I think its code pink that will most likely be pissing me off when I try to go home tommorow evening...........

Liz said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
the law said...

You're not writing for the Post because you need to work on citing your sources. Give the VA credit where credit is due.

Peter said...

Also the post is a bag of poo.

N said...

Saw the grannies today. They looked menacing. Those knitting needles could be used as deadly weapons.

Marissa said...

Yes, I would LOVE to work at the Post, which is NOT a "bag of poo." [Peter, you're too used to Eastern Bloc media...]

And yes, knitting needles are the new WMD.

And a special note to The Law -- That's rich.

lacochran said...

The problem is all the terrorists keep stealing our best ideas from our movies. Any body see Foul Play back in '78? You knew it was just a matter of time...

Nice post!

John said...

see, journalism wasn't a dead end education after all!

Granny Peace Brigade said...

Dear Marissa
Please don't be afraid of us knitting grannies. We got through the Knit-In in DC and one in NYC without poking anyone, not even once. We'll ask around to see if anyone can knit you up a lovely pair of fingerless gloves - what color?
xxx
Granny Peace Brigade

Marissa said...

grannies!

Oh I am not afraid! I love most anyone who knits! And knitting with a purpose? Well, all the better. I love electric blue!

Next time your group is in town, I would love to do a whole feature. :)

Best,
Marissa

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