Wednesday, March 5, 2008

stop ruining our gentrification process, tv news!

As those of you who live in DC probably already know, the Target store opened today in Columbia Heights' new mini-mall. Yay! After a few months of delays, the gentrification process is finally back on track! Well, that is, it was back on track until every local television newscaster began their quest earlier today to keep sh*tting on all of our parades. I swear, every teaser for the 11 p.m. newscast is warning that, along with those new mod accent lamps and that Isaac Mizrahi for Target blouse you bought, Target customers will also get at least one free mugging.


Now I'm no criminal (well, at least I don't break laws that affect other people), but if I were to mug someone, I'd prefer to jack handfuls of cash rather than well-priced yuppie paraphernalia. I mean, I don't think there's that large of a shadow economy for chenille throw pillows. Is there?

Anyway, I want to address the remainder of this post to Maureen Bunyan, Leon Harris, Todd McDermott, Doreen Gentzler and all the other fear-mongers masquerading as serious journalists: SHUT THE F*CK UP!


The Anti DC

(Call me if you're hiring!)


ms. spinach said...

i shamelessly admit to being one of the masses that hit up the store today for cute, cheap items that i probably didn't need but wanted desperately.

but, at the risk of defending the fear-mongering, a woman i recently spoke with told me that her friend was just mugged on the Columbia Heights metro escalator last month. so we can no longer get to the metro station and breathe that sigh of relief.

i don't suppose any of the news reporters mentioned whether or not target sells mace? now *that's* a news hook.

I-66 said...

I dunno Olive Oil, but I'm pretty sure you can buy a designer candlestick and beat the mugger with it. Sure, it doesn't burn as much as mace, but it does the trick.

Arjewtino said...

I worked at Target for one day when I was much younger. They out me in domestics.

I quit the next day but still went back for my $22 check.

College Park dweller said...

As usual, D.C. proper is late to the game. Who needs the Columbia Heights Target for muggings? The Beltway Plaza location has been providing the same fun and excitement for years. And there's a Popeye's in the parking lot!

Marissa said...

ms. spinach--

Do not be ashamed! I am ashamed I missed the opening because I was planning to blog about all the frenzy...damn day job.


I think you're thinking of Clue. It was Professor Plum, in the ballroom with the candlestick.


$22 for one day. Magnificent. I hope you spent it on something nice, like a meal of food.

college park--

Actually, more like, who needs Target for muggings, no? Damn, I could go for some friend chicken right now...

Righteous (re)Style said...

Oh. Crap. And I thought I was safely in Target remission. I have two words to share: Jovovich-Hawk. (Or is it considered one word because of the hyphen? Whatever.) Just 2 metro stops away from shopping sobriety . .. ugh.

Marissa said...

I have yet to see the Jovovich-Hawk for Target stuff. Perhaps, I'll have to make a weekend jaunt, as well.