silent party busted for being too loud

The police in DC take a lot of slack. Sure, there's the occasional drug or sex scandal (who doesn't have a few of those every now and again?!), but most of the time -- save for a little megaphone scold for jaywalking in Adam's Morgan once -- they leave me, Miss Whitey McPaleface, the hell alone. Now maybe that's because DC's men and women in blue are attempting to solve at least a few of the centillions of crimes here; maybe it's because I never break the law; or, well, maybe it's because I'm, um, Whitey McPaleface...

But gross social injustices aside, I'm glad DC cops have at least had the courtesy to keep their needless Soviet-style harassment here to a minimum and instead spend most of their time dining on Krispy Kremes or crabcakes or whatever the hell cops should stereotypically eat around here.

In other U.S. locales, however, needless Soviet-style harassment runs rampant. One such place is Boston. Now, maybe it's because most Dunkin Donuts outlets close late at night or maybe it's because that city's lucky enough not to boast as high a murder per capita statistic as we unfortunately do, but Boston-area cops tend to piss me off more often than their other U.S. counterparts.

And while their harassment has never taken a violent form with me, they have ruined a few potentially excellent evenings, including one just a few nights ago on Leap Day when the Somerville Police Department busted up what might just have been the best party to have happened to the Boston area in the last four years:

The invitation is even the coolest I've seen Boston churn out.

"But Marissa, the partygoers were probably just too rowdy!" some nerds might say. Or, "But Marissa, the party was probably just too loud and the neighbors couldn't go to sleep ridiculously early on a weekend in what is largely known as America's most college-y of college towns!" some freedom-hating terrorists might say. Well, I have news for nerds and terrorists, alike: Your theories are idiotic.

Now, I'm not sure if you can read the text on the above-pictured lovely invite, but the crux of this party rested in its very quiet gimmick -- "Silent Disco." For those of you who don't know (and I admit I didn't know until a friend filled me in), Silent Disco means that all party attendees wishing to dance are handed wireless headphones through which they hear the music spun by whichever DJ is manning the tables. That is, if someone isn't wearing headphones, they just see a crowd of people dancing to the same beat in complete silence. It's effing brilliant! Well, at least to me, my friends and the plethora of like-minded attendees. The concept is apparently not-so-brilliant to the Somerville PD, however.

But having only consumed one libation (um, a Bud Light, to be specific), I know for a fact that the party was not "wild" in the sense that frat parties usually are. There wasn't any spillover of party guests in the yard, there wasn't any Blink 182 blaring out the windows and there definitely wasn't a large contingent of underagers in attendance (if any at all). In short, there was no reason the cops should have been called in at midnight to break up this historic event.

With those facts (yes, facts) in mind, the only reason I can think of why three police cruisers rolled up was because the Somerville force must be filled with nerds and haters of freedom. Again, I'm not sure if you can read the text on the attractive invite, but it notes "Dress like you mean it," and in a rare Boston moment, the kids peeled off their Northface and Patagonia fleeces, kicked off their Dansko's and Tevas and instead donned jumpsuits, moonboots and sparkly accessories. The crowd was tight. But what does innovative outfit inventing have to do with cops not letting the kids P-A-R-T-Y? 'cuz they got to, you ask? Everything.

And in the spirit of the newly procured hard copy of my graduate diploma (which will shortly be framed and hanging over my toilet) that I picked up during this weekend jaunt, let's turn to academia for the answer. Specifically, let's call upon famed sociologist Emile Durkheim's theory of social deviance for an answer, which I will explain using academic doublespeak, including heavy doses of redundant adjectives, passive voice and needless clauses! Ahem, here goes (disclaimer: this might get ugly):

Social deviance was defined by Durkheim, who noted that when a single individual and/or a non-majority minority group infringes upon one or more established social norms, mores and/or laws that were originally presented and upheld by the behemoth that is the general population, over which several individuals or persons have elevated powers to punish those single individual and/or the non-majority minority group, the single individual and/or non-majority minority group is seen as "deviant;" that is, this non-majority minority group has been perceived by the powers that be as going against the societal, majority-established accepted norms, mores and/or laws. To combat said social deviance, as defined my the elevated power or powers and upheld by the majority of the general population, over which the power or powers have established rule, those perceived to be of the socially deviant frame of mind are punished for violating and disobeying the set norm, more and/or law, which the overseeing powers and majority-at-large deemed the perceived deviant individual or non-majority minority group as breaking.

Phew! (Ahh yes, that Master's degree soon-to-be over my toilet was well-deserved, don't you think?) But considering the above two sentences (that's right, e-friends, that was just two sentences...) probably either caused a few brain aneurysms or just made you want to never read this blog again, I'll quickly wrap this post up: The near-total dearth of typical Boston attire (fleece and Danskos) caused the powers-that-be (in this case, the Somerville police) to freak out and use their rudeness and flashlights to punish the perceived social deviants (the partygoers) by making them disperse. Even more to-the-point: The Somerville cops hate fun. I'll see them in hell.

Anyway, on a more upbeat note, while leaving Boston's best party in the last four years, we ran into a lovely bit of irony. One of the cop cars had a traffic ticket on the windshield, undoubtedly placed there by one of the kicked-out party attendees. (I told you the kids in attendance at this party were awesome!)


PS -- Sorry for the sh*teous quality of the photos above. We were working solely with a cellphone cam in the dark.