Wednesday, March 19, 2008

topper shutt's blog...written by a 5-year-old?

I'm hoping everyone that lives in or around Washington, DC, knows exactly who Topper Shutt is. Besides boasting the waspiest of waspy names, ol' Topper is DC's favorite weatherman. Wait...what? Topper Effing Shutt is DC's favorite weatherman? Favorite weathercreeper maybe, but legitimate weatherman? I don't buy it.

OK, so I don't have a problem necessarily with his weathercast. In fact, he's correctly told me on several occasions whether I'll need to rock one of my Dorothy Zbornak-style "homeless chic" cardigans or whether I'd be more comfortable with a little Blanche Deveraux "slutty chic" T-shirt couture. But informing me which Golden Girl I should dress like on any given day is still no excuse for the shenanigans of one Topper Shutt. No sir! Not when Topper Shutt has access to the Internetz!

Yes, I dislike Topper Shutt because of his blog.

Actually, it's not even his blog, which has some interesting information stuck in it, that I hate. It's his writing style. It sucks. Honestly, not to toot my own horn (f*ck it, toot toot!), but I think I wrote more complex sentences when I was in second grade than Topper Shutt does at the ripe old age of 45 (that age is a complete guess by the way -- Google can't do it all). But regardless of Topper Shutt's exact age, the fact that he presumably passed through elementary school should allow him to form more interesting sentences than, well, these:

The Vernal Equinox occurs tonight at 1:48 in the morning. This marks the beginning of astronomical spring. The sun is directly over the equator making it equal day and night for each hemisphere. We go into spring while the southern hemisphere heads into fall.
Seriously, is it too much to ask that Topper Shutt, who is in the news profession for Christ's sake, be a more interesting writer? Or at least use the correct verb tense? I mean, it's not that hard! Topper Shutt, if you're out there, just take a look at what I did here:

The Vernal Equinox, which marks the beginning of astronomical spring, will occur tonight at 1:48 in the morning. At this time, the sun will be directly over the equator and will cast equal amounts of day and night on each hemisphere. However, while we'll head into spring, the southern hemisphere will head into fall.
Did you see what I did there, Topper Shutt? Did you? I took your writing skill from a first-grade level to a solid sixth-grade level. Live and learn, Shutt, live and learn. See you tonight at 11!

8 comments:

I-66 said...

Do you want to edit my resume?

Peter said...

Just based on the small sample on your site, I would like to hail Topper as a modern day naturalist, perhaps worthy of a seat at the table with Joyce for his sparse yet vital prose.

AM said...

Eh, he's probably got some high school intern writing the blog for him.

Marissa said...

i-66--

Are you serious? Because I would. I get bored easily.

peter--

Interesting comparison. I was thinking more Dr. Seuss, but without, you know, the creative thought process.

am--

I think you might've just uncovered the secret.

Maddie K. said...

First of all....topper shutt is an amazing weather man...he is professional and entertaining at the same time...furthermore, get off his back about his writing style...i go to college with his daughter and she could write circles around you...so stop being a shutt family hater

Marissa said...

maddie k --

LOL!

gallywas said...

I thought I was the only one....who over used "..."

I am glad I'm not alone Maddie K!

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