Monday, April 28, 2008

he's bringing HairyBack

Gosh, life is good when you can retool Justin Timberlake's SexyBack to mean exactly the opposite of the song's original meaning as well as utilize its obvious homonym to make a post title that's not just ironically clever, but grammatically clever, as well. Score!

And if you're functionally retarded and the above descriptive wasn't enough for you to figure out where I'm going with this, allow me to present to you a visual:

Goldilocks ain't havin' this.

Yep. Today's subject is the hairy back. And today's lesson is that hairy backs are not tight. In fact, dudes having hairy backs is equivalent to ladies having mustaches; in both cases, those gnarly tufts of hair make you unnecessarily ugly. But eureeka! In both cases there is an easy way to avoid disgusting others -- WAX THAT SH*T. Please.

And while this is a general Public Service Announcement for the world, I must hone in on how this affected my life in DC this weekend. There we were, The Law and I just walking down the street, minding our own business taking care of business, when we saw him. Like a couple of big game hunters, we immediately hunkered down and got our ammo ready. We realized this was a job for Shambles P.I. so we aimed and shot.

Unfortunately, the shot is not as clear as we had hoped and so you'll have to take my word for it: This man's back was hairy. Damn hairy. This man should not have had his shirt off. I don't care how hot or humid it is outside. How's about if you want to cool off, you shave off the layer of wool growing out of your back? Seriously. Unflattering. And yes, I think he's also scratching his butt in this pic. Seriously. Classy. And lastly, you know those are khakis. Seriously. Pleated.

Godspeed, e-friends. And good luck.


A couple of friends and I were chatting this weekend and one of them came up with what is nothing short of a brilliant idea -- to turn Shambles P.I. into a more participatory Gawker Stalker-esque feature. That is, if you come across some exceptionally messed up sh*t you think DC needs to know about, send your photo to the royal us over here at The Anti DC and the royal we will compile it and publish it for you either publicly or anonymously. For instance, while The Law and I were hunting down Nasty McFurback this weekend, another friend of mine conducted a little investigation of her own:

Yes, you are witnessing knee-length WHITE LEGGINGS paired with FLIP-FLOPS on a MIDDLE-AGED woman. That sh*t just ain't right. Not only is it horribly age inappropriate, but it's f*cking see-through. No one wants to see the outline of your drawers. (And if you think I'm a bit harsher than usual today, blame it on the small case of SARS I'm currently undertaking germ warfare with at work.)

Anyway, send your undercover Shambles P.I. work to and I'll be sure to not pay you. Awesome deal, I know, so I'll be expecting my inbox to be full by 5 pm.


I-66 said...

And he's either reaching for/putting away his wallet, or he's scratching his ass. I'm leaning towards the latter.

How is The Law's arm, by the way?

N said...

Drats! I wish I knew about this on Saturday afternoon when I scoped out some truly heinous outfits while standing outside the metro center H&M. Here's just one example: floral print dress, animal print cardigan, shoes of a different animal print and a giant bow in hair.

Marissa said...

WHOA. N, was that all on one singular person? That's grosser than a hairy back.

Shannon said...

I saw a giant hairbow myself today! I had the cameraphone out, was ready to go...and then I just couldn't do it.

Man, I am way too nice.

the law said...

Bitch please. The Cap'n and I will Shambles PI for you from Hawaii. We are attending an event where guests are required to wear "Aloha crisp." I don't know what the hell the means, but I will Shambles PI that for you.

Marissa said...

the law--

I'm counting on you and the Cap'n, although I must say I kind of love the sound of "Aloha crisp." I'm sensing lots of captain's hats, anchor accessories and white shoes. Please make the Cap'n wear all of the above. I'll blog the hell out of that.