Tuesday, April 1, 2008

meet horace t.

Hard as it is to believe, The Anti DC has somehow managed to gain and maintain an actual audience...of people. Once in a while, some of these people even take a few moments of their time to write me to let me know they've enjoyed a post or two. And while I'm always happy to get such e-letters (as I am an attention whore), not until this weekend when a brilliantly worded missive from one Mr. Horace T arrived in my inbox did a single E-mail get re-read in full to my trusty BFF, The Law, via telephone.

And as much as I would've loved a paragraph full of complimentary words about my brilliance (let's just forget about the fact that I'm a simple idiot in disguise), alas, the reason for the telephone recitation of these bits of text was because Horace T. might be even more adept than I am at describing why DC sucks so much. So hilarious, in fact, are Horace's deep thoughts about, um, kickball, that I begged him to let me post the E-mail online. Luckily, Horace T. is a brilliant man, so he agreed. So, let 'er rip, Horace!*

I adore your blog...[Ed. I *had* to keep that bit in.] I identify with your resentment towards this Los Angeles for Ugly People. I relocated to this degenerate place at the end of 2005 after lifeguarding on the beach all summer cause I had some friends here: dreadful mistake. The area's full of pretentious, narcissistic insecure strokejobs scared to express themselves so they have to find dates on e-Harmony, but anyway...

I had a blog idea you: Ever notice the dynamic of the kickball culture? It's basically a club for dopey, uncoordinated cubicle jockeys to meet together outside of the bar & prey on young women... clumsily at that. But strangely enough, a number of the women who signup for kickball are fresh faces to DC just looking to meet some nice, athletic guys outside of the bar culture...they just so happened to receive Bush Administration quality intel. These sloppy losers don't know how to interact with the opposite sex so they flirt by pegging the socially adjusted transient women in the head to demonstrate their faux dominance. And these fawns who are wounded and vulnerable then get guilt-tripped to "drink off that headache" at the "TEAM BAR" for "TEAM FLIPCUP" where -- after a couple of rounds of flipcup and listening to these unlovable losers talk about the time at the office when they pranked their buddy Rick by putting a post-it on his optical mouse -- it sets in that the fawns have pranced into a bear trap. Slowly the cute girls start dwindling from the roster until "Uncle Ned's Parakeets" either start to a) forfeit b) recruit desperate chubby high school girls or c) start going tranny so they can fill the 4 girl league minimum.

Ha... so that's my 2 cent observation about Beltway Kickball. Thanks for keeping my cynical ass laughing with your blog.

No, no, Horace T., thank you for keeping my cynical ass laughing. That line about Rick and the optical mouse literally had me on the floor. Poor Rick. And Horace, feel free to become a regular. For serious.

*Oh, and in an attempt to avoid angry DC-based kickball players from unleashing their Horace T.-accused douchey anger on me, let me restate that the views expressed in the above-indented paragraphs are strictly Horace's. As a matter of fact, while I haven't played kickball since I was 12 and don't know anyone who partakes in this activity in DC, I do know people who play kickball in Boston as well as New York and it doesn't seem to be as douchetastic there. But, then again, I've been to bars in both Boston and New York that also aren't so heavily douche-infested. So, basically, I'll just put it out there that almost everything in DC is slightly incredibly more douchey than the rest of America. The kickball scene (is there a scene there?) is probably no exception. Just a little inductive logic to start your day...

6 comments:

Shannon said...

Dude, kickball went out of style. Even here in DC. I think the cool kids are playing bocce now.

A few months back, some friends and I went out for a drink and stumbled onto a flipcup tournament. That made me really sad - like, these Gen Y kids are so hyper-programmed and competitive they can't even binge drink in peace.

I-66 said...

Pft. All the cool kids are playing soccer.

Or at least I am.

Leo Duffy said...

Happy April Fool's Day!

Marissa said...

Funny. I thought the cool kids sat at home blogging...dang.

OH LEO! Please do say hi to Norm Coleman when you see him. Love your hair, btw. That shit is tight.

Leo Duffy said...

Have you seen my Ho's yet? They're so tight.

Marissa said...

Leo--

You're so tight.