Thursday, April 3, 2008

get off the internet thursday: disaffected scanner jockey

When I initiated Get Off the Internet Thursday way back, um, last week, I never imagined the response I'd get. That is, I never imagined how dismal it would be. Only four people expressed interest, meaning that I will have to do a better job at e-stalking some of you kids until you all comply with my wishes. Luckily, however, the four expressions of interest I did receive were solid, including this week's honorary guest Anti DC blogger -- Shannon of Disaffected Scanner Jockey.


This bitch is verbose. Perhaps even more verbose than I am. But luckily she can write! She can also come up with brilliant arbitrary themes and I respect that. So, without further praise and glory, allow Shannon to recommend for you the best and least-dank basement haunts in DC:
Many people ask me the same question: So, do you really have a boyfriend or did you make him up to scare off the Internet stalkers? [Ed. Wait, you have Internet stalkers to scare off? I'm jealous.]

But today, I’m going to answer that other common question: How did I manage to fall in love with DC, when so many people dislike it so profoundly? Easy. Grow up in a crappy outer suburb and move into the city as an adult, so you'll learn to appreciate our neoclassical tourist-driven hicktown. (Every morning, I wake up to a chorus of little birdies and woodland creatures frolicking and singing a tune called, "You're Not in Woodbridge!") [Ed. What's Woodbridge?]

But there’s another answer. The answer is to become an authentic sort of Washingtonian. And how does one do that? [Ed. By becoming a douche?] By living in an unregulated illegal English basement studio apartment, of course!

Not willing to live as a basement troll? Well, you can still get your fill of cave-dwelling with the following "Basement Tour of Washington." Here are my suggestions for spending an entire day underground:

Start on the National Mall. See that big doughnut-shaped art museum on the Mall at 7th Street? [Ed. Mmmm...doughnuts...] Unlike the myriad National Museums of Screaming Toddlers, the Hirshhorn caters to people who actually want to look at stuff. Head straight to the basement for the temporary exhibits. These range from a squiggly arty video reinterpretation of Rambo: First Blood to…really, Rambo at a fancy art museum. What else do you need? [Ed. Doughnuts?]

You can also do your shopping underground. Try the Filene's Basement at 14th and F (the dress selection is excellent, although the suits are fair-to-middling [Ed. And by "fair-to-middling," I'm going to assume Shannon really means "sh*tty-to-sh*ttier." Just a guess...]). Or, if you’re feeling the urge to redo your high-rent Bastille in mid-century modern, try Millennium Decorative Arts on U Street. There's also an awesome (basement!) gay porn store a few doors down, if you're so inclined [Ed. Git 'er done!].

Hungry? D.C. has a wide range of basement dinner options. Malaysia Kopitiam is on M Street, sprinkled in among the nudie bars and frat-boy lounges. Good old MK has cheap food, a menu with disturbingly pornographic [Ed. Again, with the porn, Shannon? I'm sensing a guest blog Part Deux here...] representations of their entrees, and the sort of servers that look at you like you're crazy if you ask any questions.

Or, if it's payday, you can have your meal at The Little Fountain Café in Adams Morgan. It's an oasis in a desert of suburbanite popped collars and annoying drunk chicks, complete with so-cute-you-could-die little tables, good food, and a romantic atmosphere (but let's ignore the fact that the last guy who took me there dumped me a week later). [Ed. Hey, a free meal's a free meal.]

Do you have room for dessert? [Ed. Always!] Try Larry’s Ice Cream on Connecticut Avenue in Dupont! It’s in a basement, sure, but this place does more than fit my arbitrary theme. It's also non-chain, tasty, and quirky. Larry's is run by the sort of people you wish ran Metro: quick, efficient, and impatient with slow-moving idiots who can't make up their minds.

If you'd like to get your dive bar on [Ed. Finally, to the important stuff -- booze.], there are multiple basement options for that. I like Polly's Café at 14th and U. You can also visit Atomic in Cleveland Park, or swing by Karaoke Night at Recessions. Recessions is advanced-level basement trolling. Look for Mackey's, then look for a hotel next to it, then go down the stairs, through the hall, past the sales and catering office, and through a double door. You're at Recessions! Cheap beer, cheap mozzarella sticks, and blissfully awful karaoke every Friday. Best of all, cell reception is spotty at best, so you're free to ignore your Blackberry. But, then again, if you're the sort of person who has a Blackberry, you're not the sort who will swoon at the idea of discount Miller Lites served in jumbo steins [Ed. Um, or *are* you?]. In that case, head to the basement of Saint-Ex to rub elbows with the rest of the cool kids. You're beyond my help.
Wow. And with that last line, my first Get Off The Internet Thursday guest blogger basically called me a giant douche. (If you'll recall, Saint-Ex is one of my Top 5 favorite spots in DC.) Yeah, this guest blogging feature was a magnificent idea...just effing magnificent. Anyway, do you too want to inadvertently (um, or quite deliberately) call me a douche? Wait, let me rephrase that. Do you want to write your very own installment of Get Off The Internet Thursday? Yes? Great! Drop me a line and we'll become e-friends or, um, e-frenemies. Whichever!

21 comments:

Shannon said...

In response to your questions:

1. No e-stalkers, but occasionally guys try to ask me out via my blog.
2. Woodbridge, aka, Hoodbridge or The WB, is the crappy outer suburb I grew up in. I sold shoes at Potomac Mills Mall.
3.Filene's - I'm a secretary and can only be so hip. So, if I have to buy boring suits, I'll do so for a discount.
4. Porn? Easy. I had all male friends in college, so I'm an expert at Smears, Gross Pointe Spank and other classics.
5. I mock Saint-Ex. Its mother was a hamster and its father smelled of elderberries!

I-66 said...

I've had e-stalkers. Oh have I ever. You should be glad you don't, Riss.

And Shannon, even though I'm a suburban guy, I don't fault you at all for getting out of Hoodbridge. Could be worse though. Could've been Stafford.

BAD said...

haha! the highway called you Riss.

legallyheidi.com said...

thats awesome.

i freakin' love recessions. Thats pathetic isn't it??

I-66 said...

I did, didn't I? Huh. I didn't even think about it. I used to know a Marissa that we called Riss. It's second nature by now.

Marissa said...

Don't worry BAD, the Highway and I are old e-buddies by now. As long as he doesn't call me a "flair-leg pants lover" I'm cool.

I-66 said...

What about "boot cut pants lover?"

No? Okay.

Shannon said...

I-66, I say we have an Anti-DC fan club karaoke night at Recessions. We can sing "Livin' on a Prayer," drink tubs of Bud Light, then Marissa can critique our pants.

Marissa said...

Oh Shannon, I'll have to critique your song and drink choices too! (JK...sort of...)

:)

Shannon said...

I-66 and I, being Virginian burban escapees, will be performing Bon Jovi NON-IRONICALLY. Then we'll talk about chain restaurants and outlet shopping. Ha!

I-66 said...

Ahem.

mi mi miiiiiii

An angel's smile is what you sell /
You promised me heaven and put me through hell / Chains of love got a hold on me / When passion's a prison you can't break free...

imperialme said...

Let us not forget the fabulous 70's porn decor of Recessions. Easily it's best feature. Nothing says class like red velure and fake stone on the walls. Also, how do you leave out Bohemian Cavern? I'm disappointed in you.

the law said...

but the burning question is, marissa...do you like pina coladas?

Marissa said...

imperialme--

You may have just sold me on Recessions for the decor alone. I'd say it would remind me of this place in Moscow I went to once, but I'm doubting there's face control or 500 rubles mojitos.

the law--

And getting caught in the rain!

Seriously, can we hit up some karaoke just for Rupert Holmes along?

Shannon said...

ImperialMe, my apologies. I'll make it up to you by someday returning your extra PS2 controller.

And now I have karaoke cravings.

imperialme said...

All this talk of recessions has me thinking happy hour....

Shannon said...

It is ON. Marissa, i-66, etc, imperialme and I are going to Recessions after work if you're in. Contact me offline for details.

N said...

The Recessions website is truly impressive. They still have their new year's eve information listed on there.

Shannon said...

That's why the beer is so cheap, they don't waste their money on piddly website design!

Search Engine Optimization said...

Aside from the complex physical connections that make up its infrastructure, the Internet is facilitated by bi- or multi-lateral commercial contracts (e.g., peering agreements), and by technical specifications or protocols that describe how to exchange data over the network. Indeed, the Internet is essentially defined by its interconnections and routing policies.

As of December 30, 2007, 1.319 billion people use the Internet according to Internet World Stats. Writing in the Harvard International Review, philosopher N.J. Slabbert, a writer on policy issues for the Washington, D.C.–based Urban Land Institute, has asserted that the Internet is fast becoming a basic feature of global civilization, so that what has traditionally been called "civil society" is now becoming identical with information technology society as defined by Internet use. - web design company, web designer, web design india

Stefan said...

Good JoB! :)