Tuesday, April 22, 2008

the anti dc's big adventure

Although I often purport myself as a crazed megolomanic, I do understand that this blog is not everyone's proverbial cup of tea. In fact, I get that some people probably can't even stand it. From what I can gather, some may think I waste too much energy complaining (I mean, for the love of pleated khakis, I find ways to complain about sunny, objectively awesome weather!). Others may hate my retardulous, yet incredibly clever turns of phrase (as well as my overusage of parentheticals). And still more may despise my ridiculously tight pants (both figuratively and literally -- behold that clever turn of phrase!). But if there's one aspect of life in DC that can transcend my sarcasm-backed cynicism and sick wordsmithing skills (and you can interpret "sick" as you please), it's this city's annoying public transportation system. Name me one person who hasn't had an adverse run-in with the DCPT, and I will seriously stop blogging. However, keep in mind that before you start pouring out your hateration -- that word will never die in my mind, thank you Mary J. -- by naming names, there's a high possibility that I simply won't believe you because DC's metro and buses objectively blow...hard.

So sick of the buses I am (wow, am I Yoda now?), that I recently began walking to and from work. And sadly, the 30-minute trek each way actually works out to encompass less time than it generally takes to wait for and then ride the bus that goes from Mt. Pleasant to Van Ness. For those of you wondering, that's exactly 2.1 miles, which according to Google maps (which we all know is the best -- true that, double true) should translate to exactly 6 minutes of driving time. Uh-huh.

But truthfully, I don't mind the walk. In fact, I actually like it. It makes me feel better about never utilizing that gym membership I've had attached to my key chain for, um, a year now. But sometimes, it does get long (that's what she said!). I mean, that's 60 minutes of my life each day spent walking to and from the office. That's valuable blogging time! (Read: I'm an enormous loser!) Or maybe 60 minutes during which I could spend trying to, you know, piece together at least a semblance of a real life. Or at a very minimum, take a nap.

And so, I've been brainstorming. I thought about investing in a scooter a while ago, but then I'd have to start going to the gym (I don't want to get scooter ass). Factoring in gym time, I think my commute would go well past one hour. So this leaves me with only one logical option -- hang-gliding bicycling.

That's right, e-friends, I've decided to buy a bike. Specifically, I'm looking to buy a secondhand road-bike, like this:

Or this:

Or this:


I figure not only would this cut down on my commuting time, but it would also help me whip my literal and figurative ass into shape. I can already picture my sweatervests and I zipping around town, rolling to and from my office, ridin' dirty down to the Hill and impressing Norm Coleman, The Anti DC-appointed sexiest member of Congress, with my sweatiness fitness.

Oh yes, indeed, the time is nigh!
I will put the pedal to the metal (dammit, just pretend that phrase has something to do with biking) seven days per week. I will cycle whether it's balmy and sunny or cool and rainy. And most importantly, I will ride dirty with my middle finger held high as I pass the 4,983 "Out of Service" buses and the suckers masses filing in and out of the underground. E-friends, it's time to ride or die.

But rest assured (I'm talking to you, Horace T), despite my newfound love of the 10-speed, I will not ride so dirty that I will flaunt any unnecessary ass-crack or love handles. I will not trade in my tight pants, for tight bike shorts. And most definitely, it will not end up in the basement of the Alamo...I hope. Who's with me?! Um, anyone???

*Bike shots courtesy of Bulldog Bike Restoration.


SickGirl said...

i constantly try to reconcile my bike commuting with my notorious ass crack-age and my hatred for all things tucked it (which shows off my glorious "muffin top" as my mother likes to point out). good luck with the bike hunt!

I-66 said...

Unnecessary ass crack? Is there necessary ass crack?

The Vinyl District said...


Lucious Leo said...

Holy spandex Batman! An added bonus to giving the proverbial middle finger to WMATA: this will open up a new, wide world of blog-bitching (blitching?)to you, as bicyclists are D.C. really annoying and also really self entitled. The only question ... will you become one of them? Or call them out on their shenanigans like everyone else in D.C.? Only time will tell.

Marissa said...


Who said anything about a "proverbial" middle finger? The WMATA only deserves the real thing.

Matt said...

Hey, this is your brother if the name didn't tip you off.

A) Nice blog. Next time someone accuses me of being a sarcastic asshole I'll point them your way as evidence that there's a genetic component to it.

B) In case you weren't aware, I've been bike commuting here in MSP for a few years now, so let me know if you need any tips. Not that its brain surgery or anything, but I ride 150-200 miles a week and have managed to figure a few things out the hard way.

C) Lucious Leo, aside from retardedly stereotyping all cyclists as annoying and self-entitled, is partially right. You'll see stuff from both cyclists and drivers that will blow your mind due to sheer stupidity.

D) Don't get hit by a car. That shit hurts.

Check out bikesnobnyc.blogspot.com . He's to the NYC bike scene what you are to the DC fashion/nightlife scene, funny stuff.

Marissa said...


Welcome to my e-world, bro! Glad the fam is now getting a little insight into my brand of shambles...um...and glad you're all big enough jackasses yourselves to appreciate it. Tight!

You're right -- being a sarcastic asshole is genetic. After all, I believe it was you and your friends that once sherpa'd yourselves around town on a toilet affixed to some plywood. I can't remember if you held up traffic or got arrested for that particular incident, but in my mind you did.

Yes, I probably will milk you for tips. I'll start now. What type of bike lock should I get? I don't trust bitches around here.

Ha! I remember when you got hit by a car. That was effed up. You weren't even on a toilet. I will sue LL when he decides to run me down. (J/K LL, or am I?!)

Lastly, thanks for the e-kudos and the bike blog tip. And feel free to pass my little e-cess pool around to others (i.e. help me get a book deal). Thnx.

And to everyone else, I hope this lil' e-family reunion, including talk of toilets, assholes and getting nearly maimed by errant drivers, warmed your hearts. Awww...

N said...

Welcome to the world of bike commuting! I can show the tricks that your brother can't(riding in a skirt and riding in heels).

Capitol Hill 20210 said...

How can anyone not love your blog -- off with their heads.

Your adorable, funny and write excellent.

Righteous (re)Style said...

You go! Good for the ass and good for the environment. I've biked in DC for um, almost 15 years. It is the fastest way to get around, fer sure. You'll be sipping on your mojito HOURS before the people you're meeting are able to find an even partially legal parking space. And, as n noted, there are some tricks to riding in skirt and heels - but it can be done and done oh so well! Good luck. (Maybe I will blog a few hints.)

Anonymous said...

Now that it's getting warm out, I'm re-evaluating how I should get to work. Which do you think is the best option?

#1 Currently I drive to work. It takes about half an hour and I can drink coffee and listen to NPR while I do it. The drive home is annoying and takes almost twice as long, though. I don't know what it costs in gas but the parking is free at work.

#2 Walk 10 minutes to the CH metro, spend $2 for a 10 minute ride down the green line, and then walk about 20 minutes to work.

#3 Walk 10 minutes to the CH metro, spend $2 for a 10 minute ride down the green line, and then grab my bike (which I would have locked up somewhere near the metro station) and bike 5 minutes to work.

I like #2 and #3 because they give me the opportunity to sneak some exercise in. #3 is probably the fastest but would involve leaving my bike in a sketchy neighborhood. Not sure which option is cheaper. I've investigated buses and that sounds like the worst option in terms of time and convenience, so I'm ruling it out.

Marissa said...



While I'm flattered you think I'm capable of giving useful advice (that is highly questionable), I must interject here that I think you may have missed an obvious choice No. 4 -- What about just getting a bike and riding it all the way to and from work?

Again, like I said, I'm questionable at giving advice, so maybe I'm missing something here. But if I can suggest anything, it's stay away from the PT -- metro and buses -- if you can. They waste so much time.

Anyway, I hope that helps! (Wow, that sounds weird coming from me...) And thanks for reading and commenting!

Mel said...

Hey, great posts kids. I've trained you well. This is the last third of the sarcastic asshole family, and I'm damn proud of it! Do work and carry on the tradition.....

Beach Bum said...

I've been a sucky blogger reader, and am finally catching up on all the blogs I read...

Congrats on biking to work!

I just started biking to work last week -- even wrote about it on my blog too (and managed to bike 100 miles last week, woohoo!) and I'm loving it. Though the bus is faster (30 minutes), while biking takes me almost an hour, I don't have to run for the bus, I don't have to deal with stinky people, people who chat on their cellphones the whole ride, and motion sickness (I always, always get it on my ride home!).

There's no straight way for me to bike to work unless I want to get runover, so taking the trails make me literally do a half-circle, but the 22 miles a day should count as exercise, right?

Now idiots that don't follow the trail rules (stay on your right dumbasses!) are pissing me off. A rant to come...

Matthew said...

These are pretty much the final word in bike locks...


Problem is they're heavy as hell. It would be a way better idea to just store the bike in your apartment overnight and get a standard u-lock for when you're out and about.

Anonymous said...

Eh, I'd have to bike all the way to Southeast.... I'm sure there's a way to do it, but I think it would be an annoying bike ride. Also, I don't see how I could bike all that way and not show up sweaty and unprofessional looking. I know some jobs let you do that but mine's not one of them.

Anonymous said...

Also, my bike is very old and on its last leg (but I love it too much to give it up). A very long bike ride every day would probably cause it to break down.

Marissa said...

Wow, my mom's now hip to The Anti DC. I'll be damned. Although, sweet lord of tight pants, that comment was pretty much accurate. We are all sarcastic assholes. E-family reunions are the best!


I guess I don't know what to tell you. I'd say, give it a shot and see what happens. Wear a super-sweet sweatband. That's how I'll probably roll. I can't have sweat dripping down my balls (my balls!) -- Lil' Jon and the Eastside Boyz anyone? No? OK. Then that was weird of me to say. Zoinks!

And lastly, an apology to all. I've had the spottiest of Interwebz connections lately (thanks for sucking Verizon), so I've been limited in my ability to respond. I e-hate myself for it.