dc fashion blog jihad anyone?

I effing hate DC. I know my general dislike of this town is neither particularly interesting nor revelatory at this point since I pretty much type that every time I post, but dammit, I feel the need to do this city a service and at least attempt to point out some wrongs so that one day someone less lazy than I can right them.

And so, I shall continue to be nauseatingly repetitive and zero in on yet another reason why DC sucks: It's "fashion" blogs.

Now, I understand I write about DC style from time to time, but my purpose, unlike DC's fashion bloggers, is simply to underline my larger theme that, well, I effing hate this place. Let’s be honest here -- DC has no fashion sense. And, trying to change that is akin to trying to teach a special needs kid to stop acting retarded. Not easy.

But against those odds, others still try. And while I (sort of) respect their collective undertaking, I find the general outcome to be nearly as depressing as seeing DC's residents trade in their summer Crocs for their winter Uggs.

Exhibit A: Project Beltway

I first stumbled upon this Web site back in June, just after I moved here from the glorious fashion-loving streets of Lower Manhattan. "Hmm, this is interesting," I thought, as I perused through the man-on-the-street style photographic essays of DC's more "stylish" (and, yes, the word stylish must be in quotation marks here) residents. Back then, Project Beltway was DC's answer to The Sartorialist and Stil in Berlin. Rachel, Project Beltway's author (who I might add, despite what you're about to read, seems like a genuinely nice person), showcased photos of interesting people in interesting outfits against interesting backdrops. Interesting! At least it was...

But lately, the site has devolved into an ad campaign for various "Georgetown boutiques" with its photos replaced by poorly edited, doting interviews of DC "socialites," who have penchants for Juicy Couture sweats (ew), Uggs (double ew) and Mystic tanning (the immeasurable triple ew). This leaves the present state of Project Beltway drab at best and painful to read at worst.

Yet, for some unknown reason, Project Beltway is oft tagged as one of DC's best fashion blogs and it has led Rachel to become the go-to girl for a quote on DC style in major press outlets. Moreover, Project Beltway has also landed Rachel a gig as a style contributor to Washingtonian magazine. Congrats, I suppose, coming from the small part of me that is a nice human being, but the larger part of me -- the circuitry and wires -- says: WTF? Really?? Did Washingtonian’s editors peruse through Project Beltway thoroughly before making the decision to associate the publication with this rapidly deteriorating blog or do they simply not care about quality?

Moving on to Exhibit B: Panda Head

Like Project Beltway, Panda Head (I think) also aims to become a DC version of The Sartorialist. But unlike Project Beltway, Panda Head seems slightly more adept since it concentrates less on Georgetown and more on H Street. In my personal opinion, I'd rather ogle a photo of a hipster in front of The Rock'n'Roll Hotel than a Georgetown douchebag any day.

However, it seems the proportion of hipsters to douchebags is immensely unequal in DC, thus leaving Morgan, Panda Head's author, few options to give due diligence to the purpose of her blog. This means Panda Head features on-the-street style photos maybe three to four times per month. The rest of the blog is filled with random links and photos of stuff the author is interested in. Fair enough, I suppose. I mean, Morgan has taken on quite a feat. Her blog description claims Panda Head is a "Washington, DC, fashion/style blog ... intent on dispelling the myth that the District can't dress." A valiant effort indeed, but, as the old proverb goes, you can't shine a turd.

All right, if you're still with me, let's move on to Exhibit C: A Serious Job Is No Excuse

I came across this blog when its author, Johanna, commented on Project Beltway. I can't exactly remember the comment, but it was in line with hating on DC style so naturally I clicked her name which linked me to what has become the Mecca of DC fashion blogs. Unlike the aforementioned two, this blog attempts not to showcase but to give advice to DC's more dishabille dressers. It's a kind of Fashion 101 for the pleated khakis set all DC women.

Also unlike DC's other fashion blogs, A Serious Job is well written and often amusing, if not slightly overly Sex In the City-esque, which automatically makes it worth the read. However, the advice purported is absolutely mundane, offering such gems as "How to Clean Out Your Closet" and "If It’s Cold Outside, Wear Layers." (I'm still holding out for the mind-blowing "If Your Blouse is Sheer, Wear a Camisole Underneath It" post though.)

But I can't necessarily fault the author here for her subject matter choice. After all, I suppose she's writing for her audience, which apparently is huge...and retarded. Yes, perhaps unsurprisingly, there are a lot of idiots who don't seem to have a child's knowledge of basic things like HOW TO KEEP WARM. Take, for instance, "Jessica" who commented, "Tights under jeans? Never even thought about that...wunderbar!" Or "Intern in the City" who responded, "That’s something I wouldn't have thought to ask myself, actually, so thank you!" to Johanna's closet cleaning advice that states one should throw items out if she no longer looks forward to wearing them. Ugh.

But wait! Could it be this so-called Jessica and Intern are just super sarcastic? Sadly, probably not. My only hope is that A Serious Job's author is actually the sarcastic one. I'd like to assume she knows her "wunderbar" advice is simply just common sense, which makes her laugh if not aloud then at least secretly at the numerous readers who seem to find it innovative. What? I should dress to flatter my figure?! Who'd-a thunk?! And whoa! Fat people shouldn't wear ass-tight tapered jeans?! Well, I'll be damned! By Jove, it’s like a treasure trove of SH*T ANYONE WHO OWNS A MIRROR SHOULD KNOW.

And finally, since even I'm getting bored of my bitching by now, I'll end with Exhibit D: DC Style

I'll keep this one short since the oxymoronic (emphasis on the moronic) name pretty much sums it up. A Serious Job’s Johanna actually writes for DC Style, which at least says something about this blog's attention to grammar, I suppose. However, instead of cultivating any sort of remotely creative writing, DC Style edits and truncates all its articles as not to surpass a fifth-grade reading level. Total check-minus.

Plus, this blog advocates shoes that look like this. Snakeskin wedge sandals? Really?! I will see that shoe in hell. Nay, I will see all of DC in hell. Wait, I think I am in hell.

Have a pleasant day!