Wednesday, January 30, 2008

i might operate on circuitry and wires, but i’m no fake!

I think it's evident that I would much prefer to mock DC than defend my status as a real-life human being, but it's a slow week here at The Anti DC headquarters, so what better time than now to address the topic at hand -- I'm a homo sapien. And while I admit The Anti DC headquarters is currently located in my mind, I -- the actual person -- am not simply the totally awesome figment of someone's equally awesome imagination, just to clear up any rumors.

You see, I recently discovered that one anonymous (former?) reader, might be on a mission trying to prove I'm a fake. His or her endeavor seems to have started here on one of my enlightening posts, when he or she under the clever moniker of "None" commented, "If your blog is written as a joke -- especially as a parody of some real person -- I wonder if I could appeal to you to stop." Of course I took that as a compliment. I love that I'm that ridiculous that I come across as a "parody of some real person." But, as much as it confuses me that some people don't like me, some people just don't. Eh...I'll see them in hell. Snap!

And it all would have ended there until this weekend -- a couple of particularly dull days -- when I began perusing through older posts of other people's blogs, which either had something directly to do with me or on which I posed a question and forgot to check back for the answer. Little did I realize though that this so-called "None" had taken his or her sleuthing skillz over there, as well.

In a Project Beltway post regarding my lil’ jihad earlier this month, a person I could only assume to be the same (very) amateur detective who had earlier commented on my blog explained via a larger treatise on PB my perceived mythical status. This time using the retardulous pen name "Alias B," "None" wrote to PB's Rachel:
I just recently found your blog, and I'm wondering if Marissa's blog isn't written by you as a joke? No insult intended. In fact, my initial impression is that your writing is more to the point. You try to navigate her meandering sentences. What really tipped me off to the joke was the mention of "eurotrash." [SIC]

Needless to say, "her" blog is off my radar. Her niche is too specific to appeal.

If it is written as a joke, I wonder if I could appeal to you to stop. I'm stumbling around for a high note, but quite simply: ah like your blog. [SIC]
Certainly, this "None/Alias B" has not read my blog closely enough. (It must be all those goddamn "meandering" complex sentences I use.) Had he or she really allowed my blog to grace his or her presence longer, certainly he or she would have realized that unlike those who may joke about Euro-trash, I take my Euro-trashiness very, very seriously -- it's my niche, and it's globally wide. To be clear, I joke about DC. I'm no-nonsense on Euro-trash.

And while it's not so surprising that this (former?) reader of mine would comment on a retort to one of my own posts, it did shock me slightly that this mystery genius would follow me all the way over to a post on Panda Head, where I asked Morgan, the blog's author, if she knew where the skirt featured in a photograph was from (scroll down to “m st: georgetown”). I guess having run out of such witty names as “None” and “Alias B,” this blog-stalking P.I. decided simply to remain “Anonymous” and wrote either as a request to Morgan or myself (or both?), "If you are writing the a-dc blog and under the pen [SIC] Marissa as a joke, I wonder if I could appeal to you to stop."

Well, I'll be damned! Turns out the skirt is actually a dress!

What? Oh sorry, back to the point. I honestly don't know why this "None/Alias B/Anonymous" man and/or lady is so against "The A-DC." I'm not a fake, "None/Alias B/Anonymous." I'm a living human being with a name (Marissa), a residence (in Washington, DC), thoughts and feelings circuitry and wires, and, yes, maybe a slight an overwhelming tendency to favor all things Euro-trash, including but definitely not limited to skin-tight pants, Euro-mullets and wearing sunglasses at night.

But listen, I'm just trying to help tools and douchebags like you, "None/Alias B/Anonymous." Don't shun me. Believe in me! I believe in you.


Velvet said...

I learned about a year into blogging that "haters" come with many names. But there is usually just one or two people behind the hate. I've told this to Johanna also, to not be discouraged at all by the negativity because it is usually just one person.

What's impressive is your sleuthing. I wish I had you around when a couple whores were torturing me because we had all apparently slept with the same guy. Bleck. That's D.C. for you.

I wouldn't let it bother you. Anon/None is probably just sad they didn't come up with this blog first.

Peter said...

Wow someone hates you! Lucky... Well, if the person wants to know, for real, if you exist, I'd be happy to certify the actual hard fact of you love 'em and leave 'em, hold 'em and fold 'em, drinkin' on the bus all the way in Rus existence.

You. Exist.

(If the hater is from the former USSR I'd be happy to have this statement printed in triplicate, notarized, and recited aloud by a man in a hat - for the sake of authenticity).

More meandering please.

Peter said...

i should really edit comments before I post them. ah, fuck it.

Marissa said...


I'm all for constructive criticism -- that usually leads to some improvement -- but needless hating with no reasoning behind it (i.e. -- not explaining your beef), is just boring.

Also, I agree with you about most "haters," as it were, being either one or two people. I honestly don't know why he/she/they even bother(s) coming up with different names. I mean, if he/she/they is/are going to do that, he/she/they should probably not make the same linguistic mistakes over and over again. I hope that if he/she/they is/are reading, he/she/they really enjoyed that last sentence. xo!


For you, Peter, I'll let your lack of editing slide because you, sir, have been living in the cold, dark recesses of Ukraine, a country troubled by political divisiveness and borscht -- should it be po-Moskovsky ili po-Ukrainsky?

I hope the complexity, er, I mean the meandering, in the above sentence fulfills your request.


Shellie said...

Hi Marissa,

So back when the whole Project Beltway controversy was going on - I wrote you this long comment about how I found your blog through the PB blog which I came across when I saw the PB girl in Washingtonian about being one of "DC's best-dressed" or something...and how I was appalled when I read it (PB's blog, not yours) because I thought it was some kind of sick joke...and how I should have my own piece in the Washingtonian because I am hotter with better fashion sense and could write more clever content then the PB girl...I am an AWFUL writer, might I add.

BUT I lost the comment when my boss walked by my desk and I had to close it out (F*** you boss, look at me now). Anyway, I just wanted to give you a shout out and tell you how much I absolutely adore your blog. You rock - in that "I am hot and cool and don't need to be a scenester to be either" kind of way. And everything you post about on your blog enscapsulates the awful and obviously not always apparent truth about DC - it SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And to the ANON/NONE who says Marissa isn't real, reveal yourself. There's no reason to hide - I even used my real name when I made a comment on Katherine Kennedy's blog about how I f***ked her boyfriend BB and how he loved every second of it. ;)

Signing off,


Marissa said...


Holy crap. I hope to God I never end up on your shit list.

But thanks for reading. I'm glad my sarcastic bitching isn't lost on everyone.

morgan said...

that WAS amazing that the skirt was a dress (i saw it in person and still can't work out the logistics), and that comment the person left made no damned sense, gramatical or otherwise. oh well.

but still! a DRESS! HOW??!?!

Marissa said...


I'm with you on the wonders of the skirt/dress. Those are some serious outfit invention skills that girl has. I'm jealous.