Wednesday, January 16, 2008

through the error of my ways, i have learned

OK, I'm going to do something I never thought I'd ever have to do on this blog: Apologize.

Being away from DC, I've finally been able to realize the error of my ways and, well, this has presented quite a conundrum to me. Basically, the proverbial rug has been pulled out from underneath my blog's well-shod metaphorical feet.

I messed up here. I really messed up. But, like they say, the first step in righting your wrongs is admitting your mistakes, right?


So, here goes nothing.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry! I admit it! I have been using the terms "tool" and "douche" interchangeably on this blog and I was wrong! So wrong...

Tools and douches, while not always exclusive, are certainly not synonymous. And while my theory on this is nowhere near perfect, recent evidence revealed to me that douchebags and tools may have less in common than previously thought.

The unique nuances that allow one to differentiate between a tool and a douchebag dawned on me so clearly only after leaving "Hollywood for ugly people" and arriving in actual "Hollywood." While I was awed at first being in a land of decently dressed people whose vocabularies didn't abuse me with political mumbo-jumbo and acronyms, some of LA's beautiful people soon lost their luster.

But the brands of douches and tools in LA are different. For one, like I mentioned above, the standard dress code was definitely a step up (But could you really get worse? Come on...). Overall, people seemed to be fitter, healthier and more productive wealthy. Hmm...wealth. And herein lies the problem.

While I welcome wealth (I mean, who hasn't dreamed of commissioning just one multi-million dollar gilded gold, diamond-encrusted, sapphire-eyed, black-onyx-bedazzled-pant-wearing statue of themselves?), excessive displays of it (we’re talking, like, 10 gilded gold, diamond-encrusted, sapphire-eyed, black-onyx-bedazzled-pant-wearing statues of themselves) can really turn people into douchey assholes. And while that isn't the steadfast rule, nine times out of 10 if you use wealth to either 1) make up for your lack a personality, 2) make up for your lack of brains or 3) simply to rub it in people's faces (I'd keep my sole sparkly statue only where I could see it), then you probably are a douchebag.

However, you may not be a tool. And here's where things get complicated. The crux of "The Anti DC Theory that Tools and Douchebags Are Not Synonymous" maintains that douches run the show and tools follow. That is, to keep with the wealth example, tools, unlike they’re douchey brethren, can't buy and sell people me with promises of giant golden statues of themselves.

The TADCTtTaDANS* maintains that the classic tool has very little power on its own. In other words, a tool without a douchebag is just socially awkward. Poor. And socially awkward.

So, bringing this theory back to Washington, I think it becomes even more illustrative. Unlike LA, which seems more douche-laden than tool-infested, DC is definitely the opposite. For every one douche, there is a whole bureaucracy of tools just waiting to fulfill whatever toolish tasks are asked of them. Are you that tool? Or are you that douche? JK! I love everyone!

*Pronounced “tad-steez-a-dans.” You can take the girl out of DC, but you can’t take the DC out of the girl. F*ck. I hate myself.


Scotus said...

It's a good observation. It's also somewhat alarming to think about the sheer number of tools in D.C. who aspire to nothing more in life than one day becoming douches themselves. Summer internship time on Capitol Hill sends that figure skyrocketing each year.

BAD said...

but what about assholes? could that be a supercategory that encompasses both tool and douchebag?

perhaps a Venn diagram would be in order.

Peter said...

Yeah, venn it. I'm a little confused about if tools can be douches or if douches can be tools - like a square can be a rectangle but a rectangle can't be a square...

Marissa said...

Yes, the douche-tool relationship is a complex and scary thing. I think I will have to Venn it -- super Venn it.